#1
This is my song, I wrote it last year...
I want honest feedback, very honest feedback

It begins as an ordinary morning,
A windy, breezy, average morning,
An inconspicuous, dangerous morning.
I wished I stayed in bed.

Don’t be scared, it’ll be over in no time,
Don’t be scared, hold onto the right times,
He’s peaking suspiciously through the back door.
I wished I stayed in bed.

“You caused it”
“You caused me to do this”
Am I alive?
Tell mum I won’t be coming home.

He’s gone mad.
“The decision was yours”
“Never wash off”
He cries, with his fist in the air.

I closed my eyes, hoped to wake in bed,
But the gunshots continued, as some fled,
Please don’t cry, I won’t be gone forever.
My angels have now come.

Here I am lying, thoughts rushing through me,
Here I am lying, dead in confusion,
Time is grasping, lives are passing.
My angels have now come.

“You caused it”
“You caused me to do this”
I’m not alive,
Angels are taking me home.

My last tear,
Had fallen to the floor.
“Never wash off”
Your memory will never wash off.

It departs as a cruel, cursed morning,
A dead quiet, never ending morning,
All is quiet, then one shot sounds.
Everything falls to the ground.

Your memory will never wash off.
Everything falls to the ground.
Your memory will never wash off.
Everything falls to the ground…
#2
Wow! I don't know what to say except put it to music and sing and then maybe I can crit you. Good at leading me through this story. I think it has awesome potential.
#3
I think you captured the action of the subject matter beautifully. You morph very well between the rhyme formulas of 3 and then one repeated, the alternating rhymes, the paired couplet rhymes, and no rhymes at all.

I love it. I have no idea how you'd sing it, but it's pure poetry.
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#4
wow, i wasnt expecting such good feedback, thanks heaps, i have singing and everything worked out, but the drummer for my band hates the lyrics and doesnt want to learn the song
#5
Ok, I just posted one of mine called “Drowning”. I would really appreciate it if you would give me an honest crit also.