#1
Just wrote this out after being stuck on a tune with no lyrics for a week. Written not 5 minutes ago. Potential edits that I've suggested to myself in parenthesis)

What's Left?

You've taught me to learn
From the mistakes that I have made
This one burns
But, hey, that's life
Like the razor's blade, I'm

Living for death
Killing for life
My world is narrow, cold
Like the steely knife.
Don't feel sorry for me
I know it'll never be
The man (you know) is gone
This is all that's left of me.

And when I see you there
Sitting in the shade
I wonder where
And why I've gone wrong
What's done can't be unmade

I know I've lost
(this)/I can't go on
I'm like a summer frost
Fighting against the dawn.
Don't feel sorry for me
This is all I'll ever be
I still live on
At least what's left of me.

And when I go asleep tonight
Arms around my pillow tight
I'm scared to wake up, lest I find
That I have slightly lost my mind

*sick solo*

Don't you know?
There's nothing left of me...

Comments, criticisms welcomed of course. Particularly about that first chorus type verse, I feel that's a bit forced. C4C applies, of course, just tell me which one to read, and if I don't respond in a day or so you can shoot me a message.


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#2
Like the razor's blade, I'm

Living for death
Killing for life
My world is narrow, cold
Like the steely knife.


Just a little too cliché and immature for the rest of this song.

I'm like a summer frost

How about “like a summer frost”. The “I’m” is just a bit too much also.

This is a really good song. With age comes a different perspective on the lyrics. So, if you really like them, go for it. I am a long way from 18 and those verses above are the only ones I think those appeal to. When they are in their 30’s they may think they are way too cheesy to listen to.
It’s a crit and just an opinion. Good job, though!
#3
What's Left?

You've taught me to learn
From the mistakes that I have made
This one burns
But, hey, that's life
Like the razor's blade, I'm
I agree with IamOmega, the 'razor's blade' part is a bit cliche.

Living for death
Killing for life
My world is narrow, cold
Like the steely knife.
Don't feel sorry for me
I know it'll never be
The man (you know) is gone
This is all that's left of me.
I see what you're trying to say when you're comparing yourself to the blade but I think it's a little strange because the blade doesn't live. I know that sounds a little stupid, but I'm just saying. The last line makes it seem a little amateur, rhythm is a little off and the rhyming sounds forced.

And when I see you there
Sitting in the shade
I wonder where
And why I've gone wrong
What's done can't be unmade
Again, the rhyming sounds a slightly forced.

I know I've lost
(this)/I can't go on
I'm like a summer frost
Fighting against the dawn.
Don't feel sorry for me
This is all I'll ever be
I still live on
At least what's left of me.
I like the idea behind this stanza but it doesn't really flow that smoothly and I don't like how you rhymed the 'ee' sound with simple words like 'me', 'be', and then 'me' again.

And when I go asleep tonight
Arms around my pillow tight
I'm scared to wake up, lest I find
That I have slightly lost my mind
This stanza I like. The second line is worded well and adds more emotion. The second line breaks the flow a little bit though. Rhyming doesn't sound forced.

*sick solo*

Don't you know?
There's nothing left of me...


Well, I actually quite liked this piece. The beginning seemed a little cliched but as I read on, it got better. A few spots where the flow wasn't too smooth and the rhyming seemed a little forced but overall, good work. I hope this crit helped you and thanks for doing mine.
#4
Quote by woodenbandman
Just wrote this out after being stuck on a tune with no lyrics for a week. Written not 5 minutes ago. Potential edits that I've suggested to myself in parenthesis)

What's Left?

You've taught me to learn
From the mistakes that I have made
This one burns
But, hey, that's life
Like the razor's blade, I'm

Living for death
Killing for life
My world is narrow, cold
Like the steely knife.
Don't feel sorry for me
I know it'll never be
The man (you know) is gone
This is all that's left of me.

And when I see you there
Sitting in the shade
I wonder where
And why I've gone wrong
What's done can't be unmade

I know I've lost
(this)/I can't go on
I'm like a summer frost
Fighting against the dawn.
Don't feel sorry for me
This is all I'll ever be
I still live on
At least what's left of me.

And when I go asleep tonight
Arms around my pillow tight
I'm scared to wake up, lest I find
That I have slightly lost my mind

*sick solo*

Don't you know?
There's nothing left of me...

Comments, criticisms welcomed of course. Particularly about that first chorus type verse, I feel that's a bit forced. C4C applies, of course, just tell me which one to read, and if I don't respond in a day or so you can shoot me a message.





I''m a little confused by this piece. From stanza to stanza it seems to change subjects...
Let me tell you what I mean:

s1: I get the impression the speaker is talking to someone (whether present or far away...someone dead maybe?) about being taught by this person to learn from mistakes, and apparently made another one recently as indicated by "this one burns"

s2: This one reflects sorrow, talking about how the person is no longer like they used to be. Unless this is the mistake the speaker made, it doesnt really fit.

s3: Fits with s1, but not so much with s2 (subject-wise)

s4: Completely lost at this point.

I'm guessing there's something I'm just not picking up, but maybe it's possible to clarify a little more?

And as the others have said about the nit-picky things - rhyming seems just a little forced (what's done can't be unmade), maybe some words could be used in place of others (you use the word "life" twice within two lines of each other, maybe vary it a little bit?)

All in all though it's good work, there's no mistaking the emotion and intentions of the piece. Nice.
#5
I took the advice of IamOmega, that part about life does sound ass. I've thought of a revised stanza. Check it:

You've taught me to learn
From the mistakes that I have made
This one burns
But, hey, that's life
This debt has to be paid

I can't keep up the fight
This battle in my soul
And all the world's treasures
Could never make me whole.
Don't feel sorry for me
I know it'll never be
The man (you know) is gone
This is all that's left of me.

To live for music: I think you're right about the rhythm being off a bit in stanza four. try this out:

I know I've lost
This can't go on
Like summer frost
Fighting the dawn.
Don't feel sorry for me
This is all I'll ever be
I still live on
At least what's left of me.

Thanks for the comments, guys. They're very helpful.
My Blog
New bands you wish you knew about!

Check This Band:As Blood Runs Black
Guitarist of the month: Quorthon


Got a good band that you want to share with the world? PM me and I'll write them a review.
#6
I thought it was great

Like the razor's blade, I'm

Living for death
Killing for life
My world is narrow, cold


That section there is my favourite...i like the personification between a knife blade and a persons emotions, it paints the picture well. observation on temperature as well, the world being narrow like the knifes blade..its a good simalie.