#1
I climbed the tree of life,
but only picked a pear,
because I'm unprepared
for the possibility and repercussions
of everlasting life.

The Devil's roaming out there,
but not with horns and a tail.
He's polished with immaculate detail,
so you'll believe he can rekindle the light
in the setting sun.

But his silver tongue is forked.
It writhes with hellfire rage,
when I follow the advice of the sage,
and read the fine print of the contract for my soul,
to see I'm getting gypped.


[EDIT]: crit for crit
The medium is the message!
Last edited by The Rambler at Jan 29, 2008,
#2
the first paragraph is the best thing i have ever read from this forum, flowed so smoothly, the rest of the song was still realy good, but not as good as the first paragraph, its great, maybe abit too short for a song
#3
Wow, thanks, man. Yeah, the first paragraph just came to me all of a sudden; its my favorite part, too. The rest isn't as good, but maybe I can fix it up.

I also agree it's a little short, but I can work around that.
The medium is the message!
#4
I climbed the tree of life,
but only picked a pear,
why a pear? very curious lol.
because I'm unprepared
for the possibility and repercussions
of everlasting life.
Solid. solid solid solid. one of the best attention grapping openings ive ever read. hope the rest lives up

The Devil's roaming out there,
but not with horns and a tail.
He's polished with immaculate detail,
This was a little bit of a mouthful, and kinda threw off the flow for me. great message and imagrey, but just IMO (which could be the way im reading it) the flow is off.so you'll believe he can rekindle the light
in the setting sun.
really good twist on the bland "setting sun" cliche im liking the message here and the writting to suport it is superb as well.

But his silver tongue is forked,
and it writhes with hellfire rage,
when I follow the advice of the sage,
REally interesting rhyme scheme. it is prominent(SP?) but it's not annoying at all. wonderful job with that.
and read the fine print of the contract for my soul,
and see I'm getting gypped.
overe usage of "and" here, it starts 3/4 lines here and sounds a little funny. the flow is scetchy here to, but im assuming (because of you obvious skill) that you have something pre-thought out for your own flow and rythem. Also i dont like the last word. just stuck out for me, you need that last "punch" grand ending and gypped didnt do it. come to think of it im not even 100% on the meaning. lol. but still.

Overall its amazingly writtin. as said before the first stanza is simply genious. and from there on it is quite good to.
if you dont mind checkin out the one in my sig that be awsome. thanks a ton
#5
Quote by The Rambler
I climbed the tree of life,
but only picked a pear,
because I'm unprepared
for the possibility and repercussions(The rhythm in this line seems a little different than the previous ones... seems like repercussions doesn't quite fit in. I really do like this stanza though. The last two lines just don't flow as well.)
of everlasting life.

The Devil's roaming out there,
but not with horns and a tail.(I like what you said, but not really how you said it. Perhaps but not clad with a tail and horns? Or perhaps that wouldn't fit with the rhyme scheme. )
He's polished with immaculate detail,(like this line)
so you'll believe he can rekindle the light
in the setting sun.(So you'll believe he'll strike the spark to light the setting sun? Perhaps?)

But his silver tongue is forked,
and it writhes with hellfire rage,
when I follow the advice of the sage,
and read the fine print of the contract for my soul,
and see I'm getting gypped.(Hmm... started the last two lines with and... Perhaps change one of them to something else? I think the second line would be easier to change. Not sure to what though. Oh, and the 'of' in the second to last line might read better as 'on'.)


[EDIT]: crit for crit


Links to my stuff in my sig... either one is fine, although December's Chill has been critted less.
#6
Thanks for the advice on the last stanza's overuse of "and." Sometimes you don't pick up on things like that when you write it yourself. I noticed earlier today that when I sing this song, I don't actually sing the "and" in the second line of that stanza, anyway.

I know the last line of piece is a little anticlimactic, but that was completely intentional. It's supposed to leave you hanging a little bit.
The medium is the message!
#7
Quote by Barrington69
the first paragraph is the best thing i have ever read from this forum, flowed so smoothly, the rest of the song was still realy good, but not as good as the first paragraph, its great, maybe abit too short for a song


i totally agree...

from all the lyrics i have read, ...thats the best opening i have read !

dont worry about things not fitting in, some of the best lyrics ever sung anf written dont quit fit..but they work well ....
#8
Very good, needs small tweaks i would suggest though if i was being harsh. Time is the best thing to take when writing or adjusting any lyric. What sort of timespan did you spend over this one?
#10
nice, the first part is pretty good the rest is good too but theres such a good 1st part it makles them look bad
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