#1
It has a lot of high's and low's. Quiet then builds to loud for the chorus then quite again. Please crit. It has always helped.


Drowning

So quiet here
So easy to
Lose a year or two
And when it’s through
The time you blew
Weighs on you
For the sacrifice
Of your precious life

And time
Spent so easily
As if it never stops
And it never does
Not for me
My life story
Some body write it or
Somebody save me

(Chorus)
I’m drowning
I’m fighting
Gasping
Yet trying
To save myself
Make my own way

I’m drowning
I’m fighting
Failing
Yet trying
Not to throw
My life away


Funny how
Everyone
Who owes you
No longer calls
And those you owe
Are always at home
Never leave you alone
Guilt you along

So quiet here
Time passes on
Or does it pass me by
Leave me last in life
Thirsting for a high
What have I done?
With my self respect
My self reliance
#2
thats really nice, it has true meaning, you can relate it to a few things in life, im guessing its about the world being corrupt or how most people dont actually care about you, they just take what they want and piss off, or it could be about how time is precious and you should not throw it away? i dunno, thats my thoughts, but any ways, the words flowed VERY smoothly when i read it and it works really well, i like it alot
#4
Really nice flow. And I see what you want to mean in this. Really good.

The only thing I could suggest is adding a second chorus at the end to finish with a "bang" ?
#5
UVER is right, there should be another chorus at the end, i didnt realise there was only one chorus, another one at the end would make abit longer and like UVER said, a 'bang' ending
#6
A great piece and I'm also gonna have to agree with the above two. A bang ending is a crucial component in a song like this I think. The chorus is definately my favorite part of the song though, really well done with this, a nice piece of songwriting here

Would be grateful if you would take a look at my latest 'Nobody's Right' in my sig,

Cheers,

Dan
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#7
Whoa. I like it a lot. The flow, the simplicity, but the heart-felt words is what really gets me. As everyone else said, the ending should indeed be another chorus, but whether it be the same chorus is up to you. Personally I think it would add more to the song, if you change the last chorus, if you decide to add one more chorus. Something like:


I'm floating
I'm staring
blinking
blowing water
out from my lungs
one last time

I'm sinking
I'm dreaming
feeling
every thing's black
I add to the water
as I cry


something different you know, if you wanna go that direction, but not as lame and as cliche as I did it, I just OTSed it. I am sure you can think of something, I just think ending it with the same chorus would take away from the song. Because the speaker never sounds positive about anything, except the first chorus, but the verses, prolong is pessimistic attitude, so I think it would actually wrong the song if you end it in the same hopeful chorus. But thats just me. Good write though.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#8
Quote by IamOmega
Well, you asked for a serious crit... and no one has really broken this down yet... so I will.

Drowning

So quiet here
So easy to
Lose a year or two
And when it’s through
The time you blew
Weighs on you
For the sacrifice
Of your precious life

You rhymed 'to' with 'two' in the first couple lines. I'm already gonna have trouble taking this seriously. No offense, but thse type of rhymes show either desperation to rhyme, which always leads to loss of content or poorly thought out-ness because you didn't consider how cheesy it sounds. Ok, this stanza says what its supposed to, I guess, and I got the message, but its also very bland. I mean, you could have said this in a lot of better ways. Honestly, I'd drop your first line too... just start with the second one. Sure the first one connects, but does it really add anything, nah... its pretty much filler IMO. Also, your rhyme is fairly dull. Sure it takes some skill to do that... but you didn't pull it off in a smooth enough way to make me go "whoa, nice." Instead I'm more left feeling like you could have said things a lot better had you dropped the rhyme scheme.

And time
Spent so easily
As if it never stops
And it never does
Not for me
My life story
Some body write it or
Somebody save me

Eh, I never like stanzas that start with and. They seem like they are catapulting me into mid idea... which annoys me unless it is for a reason, which it isn't really here. Line's 3 and 4... eh. If you drop the "and" it could work. Your last 4 are just rough. I can see what you are trying to say, but to be blunt... you missed. This is how I would write those last 4.

Not for me,
not in my story.
Somebody write it for me,
somebody save me from it.

but that's just if I was trying to save those ideas... I'd prefer to see it re-written to say everything in a little more complex way.


I’m drowning
I’m fighting
Gasping
Yet trying
To save myself
Make my own way

This flows pretty well, but is HIGHLY cliche. The ideas are so unoriginal. I mean "drowning" as a symbol for going under in life... fighting and gasping as symbols for struggling to make something of yourself in life. And then the last two lines are so blunt... they just don't hold any value. Sure, bluntness can work... but here it just seems really unneccesary.

I’m drowning
I’m fighting
Failing
Yet trying
Not to throw
My life away

Same as before... bluntness and cliche just kill this section.

Funny how
Everyone
Who owes you
No longer calls
And those you owe
Are always at home
Never leave you alone
Guilt you along

I liked this part alot. Nothing to say here. I like the tone you took here, a little more matter of fact and "casual." If the rest of the piece had this tone it would probably come off a little better. The rest of the piece's diction just gives a more serious feel which makes me as a reader want something deep in it. Glad to see you do something more original here.

So quiet here
Time passes on
Or does it pass me by
Leave me last in life
Thirsting for a high
What have I done?
With my self respect
My self reliance

Again, the first line seems a but unneccesary. Sure, it ties the first and last together... but it also bogs the stanza down with unneccesary information. Lines 2 and 3 say pretty much the same thing and you use an 'or' to make them seem different... but they aren't really. This one is okay again... nothing groundbreaking, but the rest is at least a little more original in the idea column.


This was ok. Your start was really shaky. Your chorus was unoriginal and whatnot, and this piece was generally nothing to get me excited... but it wasn't untolerable either. Honestly, seems like it was written in too serious of a tone for the "poking fun" at life feel it had going. It wasn't humorous... but it was a little toungue in cheek about serious things. you need a more casual tone I think. Try writing with less cliche ideas... be more original, say things in a more original way and your writing will improve a lot.

Hope this helps. c4c on Bust a Move if you get a chance.

-zC