#1
new poem.. idk what happened but it expresses close to how i currently feel and it just poured out of me..

hope you like it! and if you don't, please state why.. be brutally honest

--------


One's Mind

One's mind is One's own conscious.
Always questioned, and never understood.
Though years of experiences,
of chaotic events of betrayal and anguish,
to moments of bliss and sweet love...

One's mind is fragile, like that of glass.
Such experiences of the past, renders a
broken condition, shattered.
Each fragment that of unobtainable serenity.
Confusion amongst anger, loss, and uncertainty

One's mind is a universe.
Those uncaring never explore,
those caring, lost.
If not in One's mind peace is found,
then under what rock can it be under?

One's mind is a relationship.
If but doubted, corruption ensues.
The whole structure crumbles,
all sense of possible hope temporarily destroyed.
Who could love this One?
thrash till death
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. sig this if you like bagels.
#2
i think it's good, but maybe you should put some stanzas that don't necessarily all fit the same form?
Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the cake this morning!

yeah, that's an inside joke. i made it different colors and sizes to be obnoxious...
#3
I have to say I like it, can't really think of anything to knock except the rythym, but I'm a fan of very rythmic poems as oppose to free verse. anyway, I would titile it something else maybe, unless you're going for the effect with the title paired with the first line, I guess if that works for you, however I tend to think it's overdone, you know kind of overused. good job.

by the way THRASH TILL DEATH!
#4
thnx!

rosamamosa- i was actually kind of going for an ironic or contradicting approach.. like it's kind of free verse but it still has a structure to it... idk.. as i said it just kinda poured out of my mind lol

strat121- yeah most of my other poems have rhythm in them, like some kind of syllable count or a specific rhyme scheme.. this is one of my few attempts at free verse in my own way, and the over usage its meant to depict how the mind thinks of the same thing but yet in like, 50 million different ways.
thrash till death
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. sig this if you like bagels.
#5
Indeed I do like, but I think its kinda on the cliche side of things, not that I don't really care about cliches or anything, but a lot of others do. But I like what you got going on here, I like the flow that one imposes on this piece of prose, or verse whatever its worth for ya. hahah, but yes, I like it a lot, very philosophical I think, a little pretentious I think, but a lot of philosophy is pretentious. Lets see, its kinda never narrowed on one subject, I mean I see love occur more than once but other than that, its kind of just thoughts you know, but thats good, goes with the poem, its about ones mind, ones conscious, and the scattered thoughts add depth to the base behind this poem; One's Mind. Yep, I liked it a lot, the cliches got a littly annoying, the pretentious diction kind irritated me, but I liked it. Good stuff, hope what I said wasn't too harsh.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#6
Quote by Rad_Sauce, yo
new poem.. idk what happened but it expresses close to how i currently feel and it just poured out of me..

hope you like it! and if you don't, please state why.. be brutally honest

--------


One's Mind

One's mind is One's own conscious.
Always questioned, and never understood.
Though years of experiences,
of chaotic events of betrayal and anguish,
to moments of bliss and sweet love...

I liked this first one. A favorite line is 'of chaotic events of betrayal and anguish,' although I'd consider dropping events from it, because it chops it up a bit. I realize that it rhymes with moments, but I think it might flow a bit smoother if you shortened it up just a little. Maybe find a way to drop 'of' or 'and'. I have no idea how you'd go about this, but just keep it in mind.

One's mind is fragile, like that of glass.
Such experiences of the past, renders a
broken condition, shattered.
Each fragment that of unobtainable serenity.
Confusion amongst anger, loss, and uncertainty

That first line doesn't do it for me. 'one's mind is fragile, like that of glass' is a dangling modifier (or some other thing that makes it incorrect), and it sounds lost. this is further confused by 'such experiences', consider dropping the 'such' great running metaphor brought crashing down by a few over-wordy sentences.

One's mind is a universe.
Those uncaring never explore,
those caring, lost.
If not in One's mind peace is found,
then under what rock can it be under?

^this one is pretty good. That third line's a bit iffy, but if you like it, then keep it. It's probably just my preference.

One's mind is a relationship.
If but doubted, corruption ensues.
The whole structure crumbles,
all sense of possible hope temporarily destroyed.
Who could love this One?

I thought this one was a good finish. I would consider axing 'temporarily, as it destroys that rhythm you've set up with its four evil syllables



There you have it. I really enjoyed this piece, and again I say that I really wish I could write like this. I can't go 2 lines without trying to put a rhyme in somewhere. It kills me. But hey, at least those rhymes come easy.

Wood-edit: ^ I thought the diction was acceptable, and not pretentious at all. It sounds much better this way. Of course, I probably say this because I have a big vocabulary and I tend to think using it, and speak with short words. It might be wordy for others, but not me.
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Last edited by woodenbandman at Jan 29, 2008,
#7
societies worm- hey thanks man! you sound a little redundant but it still helps lol and yeah i was trying to go for a philosophical veiw

woodenbandman- lol wow i didn't even realize "event" and "moment" rhymed.. -.-' and i totally agree, and am editing right now.. this was posted exactly how it was first written..

----------

anywho.. here's the updated version:


One's Mind

One's mind is One's own conscious.
Always questioned, and never understood.
Though years of experiences,
of chaotic betrayal and anguish,
to moments of sweet bliss and love...

One's mind is glass.
Recollections of the past, renders a
broken condition, shattered.
Each fragment that of unobtainable serenity.
Confusion amongst anger, loss, and uncertainty

One's mind is a universe.
Those uncaring never explore,
those caring, lost.
If not in One's mind peace is found,
then under what rock can it be under?

One's mind is a relationship.
If but doubted, corruption ensues.
The whole structure crumbles,
all sense of possible hope, destroyed.
Who could love this One?
thrash till death
98% of teens have been around or have had alcohol. sig this if you like bagels.