#1
This is my 3rd or 4th song/poem I've written. I think my first song was a good start, but I've struggled for any inspriation since then - until this morning There's quite a personal thread running through this one, but critque away. I am aware it's very rhythmic and follows a strict syllabic count.

Not sure on the style of music I was thinking of behind this. I was trying to get a bit angry, i.e. some power chord Dookie/punk type thing, but I don't really think I've achieved that.

I also need to provide some critque for others as I've not done any reviews yet. Bear with me...

[V1]
The day that I feared,
When the break would occur;
All the love in your eyes,
And the pain in your words.

The strength that you showed,
Left me shocked and in awe;
Just to cut us adrift,
Before time had been called.

The drop-down by one,
And the line that it drew;
That heart breaking feeling,
That the end was so close.


[Chorus]
But it never felt wrong,
Now it doesn't feel right;
All these things that we do,
For the people we love.
The punch in the stomach,
When you fathom the depth;
To the truth we were blind,
And were scared to admit.


[V2]
I opened a box,
And I saw what's inside;
My own box is empty,
All its contents have died.

If fate plays its hand,
And our paths ever cross;
Do Please be true to yourself,
And think what we’ve lost.

I will be striving,
For the life that I had;
All our my secrets and dreams,
Will be close held in my heart. Changed, thanks to RRRUBEN

[Chorus]

[V3]
I’m lost in a world,
For the stupid and brave;
I can’t quit this sadness,
To stop or turn away.And I can’t turn away Changed, thanks to RRRUBEN

The future’s changing,
A blank canvas to paint;
While the past is a myth,
Of despair and regret.

And now I can't sleep,
And I don't touch my food;
A poor imitation,
Of who I should be.


EDIT: I think my intention was to have the first two stanzas of each verse rhyming and the third stanzas being a little more tentatively rhymed. Granted the paint/regret rhyme is a little forced, but hey, I like it
Last edited by osbourd2 at Feb 2, 2008,
#2
I think this is a great piece of songwriting, I was able to understand exactly what you were talking about as well as being able to relate to it. The flow is exceptional and the rhyming scheme is magnificent, anything negative to say about it??? Pffffft.......nope, cause there's nothing you could

Well done

Keep writing and I'l keep reading,

Cheers,

Dan

P.S I think I'm gonna come back and look at this tommorow and give it the proper crit it deserves but *yawwwwn* I'm knackered at the minute, so I'm gonna get some rest .
BECOME A FAN!

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(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


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Last edited by Driveshaft Dan at Jan 30, 2008,
#3
Quote by osbourd2
This is my 3rd or 4th song/poem I've written. I think my first song was a good start, but I've struggled for any inspriation since then - until this morning There's quite a personal thread running through this one, but critque away. I am aware it's very rhythmic and follows a strict syllabic count.

Not sure on the style of music I was thinking of behind this. I was trying to get a bit angry, i.e. some power chord Dookie/punk type thing, but I don't really think I've achieved that.

I also need to provide some critque for others as I've not done any reviews yet. Bear with me...

[V1]
The day that I feared,
When the break would occur;
All the love in your eyes,
And the pain in your words.
I like it, I do not see any real problem with it.

The strength that you showed,
Left me shocked and in awe;
Just to cut us adrift,
Before time had been called.
When you talked about it being a specific rhythm i assume you men a type of meter, and it seems to be an Anapestic Dimeter. I really like the flow of it.

The drop-down by one,
And the line that it drew;
That heart breaking feeling,
That the end was so close.
I found it surprising how well "close" and "drew" rhymed. very good job

[Chorus]
But it never felt wrong,
Now it doesn't feel right;
All these things that we do,
For the people we love.
The punch in the stomach,
When you fathom the depth;
To the truth we were blind,
And were scared to admit.
I like the flow of the chorus. The first two lines, though, seemed a little bit cliche, just the use of right or wrong.

[V2]
I opened a box,
And I saw what's inside;
My own box is empty,
All its contents have died.
the last line seemed hard on the tongue, i do not work with technical rhythms and such so i do not have suggestions

If fate plays its hand,
And our paths ever cross;
Do be true to yourself,
And think what we’ve lost.
No comment

I will be striving,
For the life that I had;
All our secrets and dreams,
Will be close in my heart.
though it flows if it stood alone, it doesnt seem to match the flow of everything else, mainly the all our secrets and dreams line
[Chorus]

[V3]
I’m lost in a world,
For the stupid and brave;
I can’t quit this sadness,
To stop or turn away.
the last line doesnt flow quite right, the only thing that seems right is to replace "or" with "and" but that might change the meaning

The future’s changing,
A blank canvas to paint;
While the past is a myth,
Of despair and regret.
"paint" and "regret" dont rhyme to me. maybe replace the last line and end it an "ain" or "aste" type of word like "While the past is a myth, of silent distaste" maybe

And now I can't sleep,
And I don't touch my food;
A poor imitation,
Of who I should be.
Again, i do not see the rhyme in this.


Overall i like the flow of it, and the meaning.
I really like your use of punctuation to help it flow.
with some minor changes i think it is a great poem.
Birdie Birdie in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like Sugar, Tastes like sap.....OMG ITS BIRDIE CRAP!
#4
Quote by osbourd2
This is my 3rd or 4th song/poem I've written. I think my first song was a good start, but I've struggled for any inspriation since then - until this morning There's quite a personal thread running through this one, but critque away. I am aware it's very rhythmic and follows a strict syllabic count.

Not sure on the style of music I was thinking of behind this. I was trying to get a bit angry, i.e. some power chord Dookie/punk type thing, but I don't really think I've achieved that.

I also need to provide some critque for others as I've not done any reviews yet. Bear with me...

[V1]
The day that I feared,
When the break would occur;
All the love in your eyes,
And the pain in your words.

Good opener, like the flow, its simple, but makes you think. I like it.

The strength that you showed,
Left me shocked and in awe;
Just to cut us adrift,
Before time had been called.

Ditto.

The drop-down by one,
And the line that it drew;
That heart breaking feeling,
That the end was so close.

break in flow, not a bad thing, brings out the true nature of letting it all out. So far seems a bit too cliche, but not beyond cliche, its cliche to where its heart felt.


[Chorus]
But it never felt wrong,
Now it doesn't feel right;
All these things that we do,
For the people we love.
The punch in the stomach,
When you fathom the depth;
To the truth we were blind,
And were scared to admit.

Again, cliche, but not over the edge, its heartfelt, and simple. Good stuff.

[V2]
I opened a box,
And I saw what's inside;
My own box is empty,
All its contents have died.

Hmm, really don't get it. are there two boxes or just one? but I love the enigmatic feel. Good stuff, "contents" doesn't sound right in that spot.

If fate plays its hand,
And our paths ever cross;
Do Please be true to yourself,
And think what we’ve lost.

I like it, for the same reasons.

I will be striving,
For the life that I had;
All our my secrets and dreams,
Will be close held in my heart. Changed, thanks to RRRUBEN

The break in flow here didn't do justice, I think you needed to rhyme here. But thats just me.

[Chorus]

[V3]
I’m lost in a world,
For the stupid and brave;
I can’t quit this sadness,
To stop or turn away.And I can’t turn away Changed, thanks to RRRUBEN

I like this, best verse yet, I think.

The future’s changing,
A blank canvas to paint;
While the past is a myth,
Of despair and regret.

Good flow, good image, simple. Love the last two lines by the way.

And now I can't sleep,
And I don't touch my food;
A poor imitation,
Of who I should be.

Whoa, sad ending, harsh last two lines. That hurts. But its good for the song. Good stuff.

EDIT: I think my intention was to have the first two stanzas of each verse rhyming and the third stanzas being a little more tentatively rhymed. Granted the paint/regret rhyme is a little forced, but hey, I like it



Overall I liked it, it was good. Thanks for the crit on mine, and same to you, I wouldn't mind reading more of your stuff. You ever just write poetry.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#5
I'll try be nice.

Quote by osbourd2

[V1]
The day that I feared,
When the break would occur;
All the love in your eyes,
And the pain in your words.
first issue was the [V1]. Anyone with half a brain can see what a verse is and what a chorus is. Also if this is going to be poetry in the end you might call them stanzas rather than verses. . As for the physical writing, well, to be honest, it's not bad, but is it that great? You need to add something original, something different into your writing. This was fairly cliché and annoying. The way you wrote this felt like you were physically trying to separate each line from the previous. Another thing is the rhyming. Never sacrifice content or logical progression of the writing for rhyme. It's pointless and ruins a good piece.

The strength that yo u showed,
Left me shocked and in awe;
Just to cut us adrift,
Before time had been called.
you just told me the same as the first stanza phrased differently. Better in fact, but there was no point in doing so. You might want to rethink the structure. This meaning, you might want to see if you fuse both verse/stanzas into one or something similar.

The drop-down by one,
And the line that it drew;
That heart breaking feeling,
That the end was so close.
meh, this was more of the same style of writing. In future you'll need to really read over your pieces concentrating on things like clichés, bad rhyming and over used themes.

[Chorus]
But it never felt wrong,
Now it doesn't feel right;
All these things that we do,
For the people we love. You lost me here. I thought you were talking about one person and what they did to you. Now you seem to talk about people you did things to.
The punch in the stomach,
When you fathom the depth;
To the truth we were blind,To the truth seems incorrectly constructed. Grammar isn't my strong point but you might want to look at that again.
And were scared to admit. admit what? That you were blind? Do you see what I'm getting at when I ask you these questions?


[V2]
I opened a box,
And I saw what's inside;
My own box is empty,
All its contents have died.
this holds no relation with the previous stanzas. The transition between the ideas is to abrupt.

If fate plays its hand,
And our paths ever cross;
Do Please be true to yourself,
And think what we’ve lost.
hmmm, this is better, not writing wise, but it seems like the logical flow of ideas rather than just aimless rambling.

I will be striving,
For the life that I had;
All our my secrets and dreams,
Will be close held in my heart. Changed, thanks to RRRUBEN
this was a bit cliché. That's something you'll have to watch out for in future. If a piece has too many clichés the reader will get bored. I mean, I know it's a song more than poetry and that the audience might notice so much but it will still affect the over all effect of the lyrics.
[Chorus]

[V3]
I’m lost in a world,
For the stupid and brave;
I can’t quit this sadness,
To stop or turn away.And I can’t turn away Changed, thanks to RRRUBEN
The changes make it better
The future’s changing,
A blank canvas to paint;
While the past is a myth,
Of despair and regret.
the writing improved here. It's more creative and there is a metaphor in there so good job.
And now I can't sleep,
And I don't touch my food;
A poor imitation,
Of who I should be.
well the first two lines make sense together and so do the last two but the four together aren't very coherent. Try rethink how you might write that

EDIT: I think my intention was to have the first two stanzas of each verse rhyming and the third stanzas being a little more tentatively rhymed. Granted the paint/regret rhyme is a little forced, but hey, I like it


Ok as a general overview, I thought that this wasn't bad for starting writing. I wrote much worse stuff when I was starting so you're on the right track but you've got to keep striving for more creative writing, for more inventive themes, for more originality.

A good piece of advice is reading poetry. Go buy a few poetry anthologies or books including some different time periods from Shakespeare to Bukowski and soak it all up. Find osmeone you like and imitate them. Don't copy. Just try and imitate. Decipher their style and try to add it to your own. Find ways to make your writing better and different.

I hope this didn't sound harsh but I did it to help you. Most people around here give fake praise so they get the same in return but that doesn't make you better does it?

Maybe look at mine? Don't need as long a crit as mine maybe just an opinion or something you disliked.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=776335
#6
wow!

when i read this in my head, i can hear slurred irish vocals over pipes and guitar.

very much like drop kick murphys irish punk style.

loved it!
-Keep on listening to the great Joe Strummer. Cos through music, we can live forever.
#7
This is a very nice peice, the lyrics flow, sorry i could not find anything to dislike about it however i agree with Confusius. You should read some poetry, i recommend some Elizabeth B. Browning, or Mathew Arnold do not recommend shakespear due to cunfuse of words, and can get easly lost in his writtings but apart from all of that. top song.

Keep up the good work

Kom23
#8
The strength that you showed,
Left me shocked and in awe;
Just to cut us adrift,
Before time had been called.

"Left in shock and in awe" keeps repetition this way

I will be striving,
For the life that I had;
All my secrets and dreams,
Will be held in my heart.

It feels like it needs a "my" before "dreams"

The drop-down by one,
And the line that it drew;
That heart breaking feeling,
That the end was so close.

Line 4 was not flowing correctly to me. To harshly dictated words perhaps?

But it never felt wrong,
Now it doesn't feel right;
All these things that we do,
For the people we love.
The punch in the stomach,
When you fathom the depth;
To the truth we were blind,
And were scared to admit.

Line 4 again just doesn't flow for me. Perhaps its me and I'm just reading it wrong.

I’m lost in a world,
For the stupid and brave;
I can’t quit this sadness,
To stop or turn away.And I can’t turn away

Favorite Stanza. . . However I would change "sadness to "madness". simply because it makes more sense to me personally

And now I can't sleep,
And I don't touch my food;
A poor imitation,
Of who I should be.

2nd Line "don't" to "can't" (what can I say I like repeating phrases, it makes it flow better for me). Then the last line really doesn't flow. The meaning = good, the way its worded = poo. Just kidding, its not that bad, but really it doesn't flow for me at all the in its current state.


Ok so I mostly put bad things in this. ANYTHING I DIDNT COMMENT ON I LIKED it was another good piece. I really have liked all of your pieces. The meaning you put into your words speak to me. Awaiting the next one.

-Ryan
Last edited by Jared R. Boyd at Feb 16, 2008,
#9
You pack quite a lot of punch within each stanza, even though they are not very long and quite structured, which is kind of hard to do. I don't really like the last line of the song...I think that it could be changed into something a little more intriguing, but other than that I don't really have much to say.
#11
I really like this piece man, flows superbly and the rhyming scheme is very good, not forced like you see alot on here. The verses/stanzas are short and to the point, and considering you have just started writing you have some decent talent to work with, great job mate!

C4C on my latest piece? The link is in my sig, thanks!