#1
An indie/rock fairly fast paced song, influenced by The Enemy and Sum41 simultaneously :P........

Foot down, pedal to the metal,
full speed ahead,
I’m not ready to jump ship,
the journey isn’t over yet.

Handbrake up clutch goes down,
the car of life spinning round and around.
Release the wheel hit the brake,
the last few turns you’ve made too many mistakes.

Time to overtake, the one who’s going way too slow
what the hell is she doing, I don’t really know.
Sign says stop, mate says go through,
but who are you gonna listen to?
To be honest, I don’t have a clue.

Crossroads up ahead, girlfriend or mates?
Either way you’re gonna be way too late.

Come on come on, put your foot on the floor
Come on come on, hear that engine roar
Slow down slow down! You’re nearing the end
Slow down slow down! Your mates or girlfriend?

Car stops suddenly, must have stalled,
can’t understand how this happened at all.
Run the red light or stick to the law?
Your mate has chosen for you and his foot's on the floor.

A siren blasting loud in your ears,
your mate's screaming words that you cannot hear.
Pull over or speed up,
a look in the mirror tells you that the game is up.

Come on come on, put your foot on the floor
Come on come on, hear that engine roar
Slow down slow down! Mate was right in the end
Slow down slow down! Ditch your girlfriend


I will give a crit for each that I receive as always
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
Last edited by Driveshaft Dan at Jan 30, 2008,
#2
Quote by Driveshaft Dan
An indie/rock fairly fast paced song, influenced by The Enemy and Sum41 simultaneously :P........ I can see the Enemy influence, not sure about the Sum41 one though

I've liberally restructured the layout as I couldn't quite follow the rhyming/rhythm


Foot down, pedal to the metal,
full speed ahead,
I’m not ready to jump ship,
the journey isn’t over yet.

Handbrake up clutch goes down,
the car of life spinning round and around.
Release the wheel hit the brake,
the last few turns you’ve made too many mistakes.

Time to overtake, the one who’s going way too slow, I assumed the one going to slow is the gf, but you refer to this person as he in the next line. So I think my assumption is wrong
what the hell is he doing, I don’t really know.
Sign says stop, mate says go through,
but who are you gonna listen to?
To be honest mate, I don’t have a clue. I wouldn't keep "mate" in this line, I think it flows better without

Crossroads up ahead, girlfriend or mates?
Either way you’re gonna be way too late.

Come on come on, put your foot on the floor
Come on come on, hear that engine roar
Slow down slow down! You’re nearing the end
Slow down slow down! Your mates or girlfriend? I like this as a chorus as it captures the underlying issue the song is covering. I can hear a Jam Enemy style riff working well behind this.

Car stops suddenly, must have stalled,
can’t understand how this happened at all.
Run the red light or stick to the law?
You’re mate’s made up his mindchosen (?) for you and his foot's on the floor.
These two pairs of lines seem a bit contradictory to me. On one hand you're saying it's stopped, but then it's back on again to run the red light.

A siren blasting loud in your ears,
your mate's screaming words that you cannot hear.
Pull over or speed up,
a look in the mirror tells you that the game is up.

Come on come on, put your foot on the floor
Come on come on, hear that engine roar
Slow down slow down! You’re nearing the end
Slow down slow down! Mates or girlfriend?
I'd be tempted to change the last two lines of this last "chorus" as I think you've made your mind up in the song....

I will give a crit for each that I receive as always


This will either be incredibly stupid, or true. I'm assuming that the journey the car is taking is a parallel to life, you are the car, whilst the engine represents your own emotions.

Throughout though you seem to only refer to the mates and not the gf so it doesn't seem like a balanced arguement.
#3
Yeah, sorry I didn't exactly make it terribly clear did I :P....I've added some of the changes you suggested. You were spot on though and the 'he' was meant to be a 'she' but I made a typo ...lol. As for the argument you are also right about that, it's about the fact the car of life (me) didn't know which direction to go and in the end decides to stick by mates rather than his (somewhat possesive) girlfriend.

Cheers though mate that was a really accurate description

Leave me a link and I'l crit your songs .

Cheers,


Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#4
Quote by Driveshaft Dan

Cheers though mate that was a really accurate description

Leave me a link and I'l crit your songs .

Cheers,

Dan


No worries. I'm pretty new to this writing business, so I'm trying to learn through my critiquing. I'm struggling through my own issues and ways of capturing what I want to say. Here's one I posted yesterday
#6
Quote by ratsandthefleas
the lyrics are okay. nothing special, tbh. i can see it working really well as a song, though.


Thanks, I hope it will, anything you want me to take a look at??

Cheers,

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!