#1
Buried Beneath A Mother's Breast

Our neighbor's breath lay
on broken branches with
the hard steps that crushed
our leaves. We sat on our porch,
left alone with only the light
and the blackberry wine her
mother had made the day before.
	[I]"You heard about the Baker girl?"[/I]
She speaks a slow rumble, slower
now that her mouth is numb from
the cold alcohol.
[I]	"I've only heard a little.
	I know she went missing 
	a few days ago, 
	and they haven't found her."[/I]
I knew everything I needed, a nine
year old goes missing in a small town.
The chance she's alive is about the
same as the moon being made out of
pepperjack. 
[I]	"What do you think she'll come back as?"[/I]
I've never felt a whisper wrap about
my neck like a chord or a rope, but
her words caught my throat, and Io
couldn't speak. I only thought about
the animals that never worry about
dying innocently.
[I]	"I don't know, something strong."
	        "Like what?"
	"A lion or a shark or something."
	        "I figured something innocent."
	"She was."[/I]
She looked down at her shoes, twisting her
ankles, pulling at her jeans.
[I]	"Don't ever let me go like that."
           I don't want to be alone when I die."
	"I never will."[/I]
I grabbed her hand, and held it softly,
and we quietly we prayed to a god we knew didn't
exist that she be found near the river that
runs by the house, so everyone can know
she died innocently.
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#2
this is good. well written. reminds me a whole lot of the book 'american gods' by neil gaimen. there are a couple places that grammer is off. ('and we quickly we...' and some quotations where they are unnecessary.) it paints a picture without telling any of the background. well done.
CAN I GET A +1?!
#3
Quote by matt
The chance she's alive is about the
same as the moon being made out of
pepperjack.


Hates this comparison. Sounded Juvenile and just grated on my nerves.

Quote by matt
her words caught my throat, and Io
couldn't speak. I only thought about
the animals that never worry about
dying innocently.


Typo.

Beyond those... I didn't dig this one as much as your usual stuff. I don't know if you are experimenting or something... but your last few have just struck me as lower quality than usual. Usually your pieces are at least abstract and interesting in that way... but these have been sort of mundane and so straightforward that they aren't really clicking with me. Yeah, they've been about tragic situations and had some character interaction... but they just aren't as high quality as usual.

Sorry, just being honest,

-zC