#1
The angel in my nightmares

I see you, the demon in the daylight
Every image from dawn to dusk your with me all the time
I hate you; that stupid visage in my every thought
Toss and turns within my night ribald all for naught

That fake veneer, you wear at night
Who are you a black doll dove
Will you, tear my hate from my love
Hard to sleep night or day
Haunt my dreams as I lay

Cut the skin to the bone
I’ll be damned, I’ll sleep alone
Not to dream of that raven-dove
Cut her out a damn dark love

I killed a man, for that bird
He screamed so loud, I hope it heard
Still nothing found nothing solved
Tell me sweet pale candle light
Show me the meaning of the night
White ravens roam a dooming face
All I need is a saving grace.

c4c as usual.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Jan 30, 2008,
#2
i guess its good........ if this is poetry
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#3
Quote by me<-needs help
The angel in my nightmares

I see you, the demon in the daylight
Every image from dawn to dusk you're with me all the time
I hate you; that stupid visage in my every thought
Toss and turns within my night ribald all for naught "All" strikes me as one syllable too many

That fake veneer, you wear at night I like this as you would usually expect people to wear a fake veneer during that day...
Who are you a black doll dove
Will you, tear my hate from my love
Hard to sleep night or day
Haunt my dreams as I lay

Cut the skin to the bone
I’ll be damned, I’ll sleep alone
Not to dream of that raven-dove
Cut her out a damn dark love I like these 4 lines, but I'm not sure I understand this last line :|

I killed a man, for that bird
He screamed so loud, I hope it heard
Still nothing found nothing solved
Tell me sweet pale candle light
Show me the meaning of the night
White ravens roam a dooming face I love this juxtaposition between the white and black ravens/doves/birds, but you don't seem to develop it - I think you've missed an opportunity there. I assume you mean them to represent two conflicting emotions
All I need is a saving grace.

c4c as usual.


When I read the title I immediately thought of Blink182 I Miss You. I can kinda see the darkness in the words so I'm not sure if you necessarily what the B182 parallel to be drawn?

The last stanza breaks from the 4 line construction and the line ending "solved" doesn't fit the rhyming pattern. It's like you've missed a line out

HTH
Last edited by osbourd2 at Feb 1, 2008,
#4
well the third line in the third stanza is to show i'm talking about a girl thats y it's a her not an it like it was you know?
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#5
I'd go through and crit the whole thing but I don't have time.. the only thing I see really is some copying from Blink-182. "Cut the skin to the bone. I'll be damned, I'll sleep alone." is off of "Here's Your Letter" by Blink-182 and the title itself is a like from "I Miss You" by Blink-182. Not a bad piece overall.
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#6
well i first came into this thread to make fun of you for having a blink 182 title thing, but i read the song and it's actually duite good.
i like the choice of words you have it flows pretty nicely except the few parts where there's too many syllables like the last line in the first stanza
all in all good job man
#7
Quote by DiveRightIn63
I'd go through and crit the whole thing but I don't have time.. the only thing I see really is some copying from Blink-182. "Cut the skin to the bone. I'll be damned, I'll sleep alone." is off of "Here's Your Letter" by Blink-182 and the title itself is a like from "I Miss You" by Blink-182. Not a bad piece overall.


m actually only cut the skin to the bone is from blink i liked it so i was like cool... i'll be damned i'll sleep alone is mine..
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#8
Quote by me<-needs help
m actually only cut the skin to the bone is from blink i liked it so i was like cool... i'll be damned i'll sleep alone is mine..


the line from the song is "Fall asleep all alone"... I'm not trying to be an ass about it, but any blink fan would see the similarity instantly
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#9
mm touche iono i'm not a blink 182 fan... i just listent o their songs now and then but i'm not die hard or any where near.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#10
Yeah, It bears a similarity to "I Miss You." But not bad at all. If you wrote some heavier music (as opposed to blink's softer style in "I Miss You") to go with it it would probably be quite good.
I'm looking for a tab of The Marshall Plan, by Blue Oyster Cult, and of Mario Minor, by Powerglove. If you have one please PM me.
#11
Quote by me<-needs help
The angel in my nightmares

I see you, the demon in the daylight
Every image from dawn to dusk your with me all the time
I hate you; that stupid visage in my every thought
Toss and turns within my night ribald all for naught

Might be hard to fit into a song, because of the length of the sentences

That fake veneer, you wear at night
Who are you a black doll dove
Will you, tear my hate from my love
Hard to sleep night or day
Haunt my dreams as I lay

Like this much better - better ryhmes and much better flow

Cut the skin to the bone
I’ll be damned, I’ll sleep alone
Not to dream of that raven-dove
Cut her out a damn dark love

It might just be me, but I think that useing damn twice in a verse could be kinda tedious. (Don't know if tedious is really the rigth word to use)

I killed a man, for that bird
He screamed so loud, I hope it heard
Liked those two senteces ALOT!
Still nothing found nothing solved
Tell me sweet pale candle light
Show me the meaning of the night
White ravens roam a dooming face
All I need is a saving grace.

The 3th sentence miss something to rhyme with:-) Good verse tho - my favorite.
c4c as usual.


I really enjoyed reading it, a few things that I think could be changed - but overall nice lyric. What genre would the song be?
Last edited by Bo_Ka2 at Feb 18, 2008,
#12
lol thanks this is more poem? then really song iono i dotn do song's but songs and poems are all the same you know? basics are the same but poems are more in depth with hiddne ****. songs are suppoed to sound good and be kinda simple ish
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#13
thanks for the crit man i see where your coming from. the main theme is hard to capture if you've never had a similer experiance. the poem is about sunday the 17th its talks about the lead up to a deal through the exchange and then the after waiting for the shroom (6th stanza) to kick in, but yea ill keep working on improving rhyming isnt that easy for me but ive been reading a lot of poetry and about poetry and im working on it. also Ive changed some thigns around and what not. do you think i should change them ont he original page or put the new lines next to the old.

Yours is good i dont know to much about the blink 182 thing but i like it all in all. the ryth in it is kind of hard to find and a lot of the words used in the stanzas dont flow very well.