#1
Still not too sure on the title if anyone has suggestions that would be great. Still really the first draft of this piece so just really in the stage of looking for some feedback (negative and positive)
Edit: changed up the "King Kong line" a bit, I'm still not entirely happy with it but i'll just have to think more on it.

Verse 1:
I count the steps up to your room
Knocking I enter in
whispering into your ear sweet nothing
may I please have this dance?

Chorus:
Walking down the street
the august sky burns red
And we go on forward
not a care in the world

Verse 2:
We take a step out of the door
nearing our private dance floor
I pull you close to reveal a hidden rose
Your tears, they begin to flow

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
You say to me
as we amble along
knowing your mine tonight
makes me feel like I belong

Repeat Chorus
Musical outro for right now

Once again any feedback would be good.
Last edited by BigD225 at Jan 30, 2008,
#2
Quote by BigD225
Still not too sure on the title if anyone has suggestions that would be great. Still really the first draft of this piece so just really in the stage of looking for some feedback (negative and positive)

Verse 1:
I count the steps up to your room-Great opening line
Knocking I enter in
whispering into your ear sweet nothing
may I please have this dance?

Nice opening verse, paints a nice picture
Chorus:
Walking down the street
the august sky burns red
And we go on forward
not a care in the world

This is a nice strong chorus, I can emagine the red sky and the couple walking off into the distance

Verse 2:
We take a step out of the door
nearing our private dance floor- I like this, very inventive
I pull you close to reveal a hidden rose
Your tears, they begin to flow

This is absolutly perfect, it tells us alot in only four lines, great job on this verse

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
You say to me
as we amble along
knowing your mine tonight
makes me feel like King Kong

Now, I feel this is a nice romantic song but the King Kong line doesnt sit right with me, try something a little more subtle like "I belong" (bit of a cliche) or something to that effect

Repeat Chorus
Musical outro for right now

Once again any feedback would be good.


Great work. It looks really good so far. I absolutly love that second verse. But consider changing that King Kong line, but if you like it keep it. Great job.
#3
Quote by BigD225
Still not too sure on the title if anyone has suggestions that would be great. Still really the first draft of this piece so just really in the stage of looking for some feedback (negative and positive)

Verse 1:
I count the steps up to your room
Knocking I enter in
whispering into your ear sweet nothing
may I please have this dance?

Chorus:
Walking down the street
the august sky burns red If this were my song (which it's not ) I'd be tempted to restructure this line to "The sky burns August-Red" to allude to the uniqueness of the color of the sky in August....
And we go on forward
not a care in the world

Verse 2:
We take a step out of the door
nearing our private dance floor
I pull you close to reveal a hidden rose
Your tears, they begin to flow Again, my preference would be to rework this to "As/And your tears begin to flow" (As or And)

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
You say to me
as we amble along
knowing you're mine tonight
makes me feel like King Kong Like others have said "King Kong??" I guess something around strong/belong would be a little cliched/cheesy/obvious though

Repeat Chorus
Musical outro for right now

Once again any feedback would be good.


I've not got much else to add other than that I'm affraid.
Last edited by osbourd2 at Feb 1, 2008,
#4
yeah i completely agree with the king kong part also. What I was trying to do was make some kind of allusion that when they are together she feels larger than life without just coming out and saying it, but yes i do agree that it sounds kind of odd with the rest of the song and i continue to try and find something better that fits and isn't too cliche. thanks for all the feedback.
#5
Quote by BigD225


Verse 1:
I count the steps up to your room
Knocking I enter in
whispering into your ear sweet nothing
may I please have this dance?

The second line could be better. Nothing real major, except the third line sounds like "Hell Yes" by Alkaline Trio

Chorus:
Walking down the street
the august sky burns red
And we go on forward
not a care in the world

The last line seems to lack the strength as the other three lines and is ultimately the downfall of the hook factor, imo. I like the first two lines though :]

Verse 2:
We take a step out of the door
nearing our private dance floor
I pull you close to reveal a hidden rose
Your tears, they begin to flow

I like this one.. although there are some flow issues.

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
You say to me
as we amble along
knowing your mine tonight
makes me feel like I belong

Favorite stanza here.

Repeat Chorus
Musical outro for right now


Overall I liked this piece. Seemed very heartfelt.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#6
Verse 1:
I count the steps up to your room
Knocking I enter in
whispering into your ear sweet nothing
may I please have this dance?
-I really like this verse really good hook. I think the last line is somewhat cliche though.

Chorus:
Walking down the street
the august sky burns red
And we go on forward
not a care in the world
-really good great imagery

Verse 2:
We take a step out of the door
nearing our private dance floor
I pull you close to reveal a hidden rose
Your tears, they begin to flow

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
You say to me
as we amble along
knowing your mine tonight
makes me feel like I belong
-this is definetly better than King Kong
Repeat Chorus
Musical outro for right now

really good just some minor changes would make it even better
#7
The first bit is a little cliche but I like it, it works. The whole thing is so romantic and cute. I'm digging it.
#8
Thanks for all for of the comments, suggestions, and crits on this piece. Both of my pieces i have posted on here have gotten very solid comments and i can't thank everyone enough for really taking the time to look at my writing and giving the the encouragement and tools that i needed to become a better writer.