#1
Crit 4 Crit . Its a small piece. I just wrote it in 5 minutes . I wanted to write something . Any feedback would be sweet.



Untitled(OTS)


Leftover faith in my mordant nature
stood still on my infantile behavior.
I drowned an electric lamp in the sea
and I switched it on.
My Intent was to cure the world with
shock therapy.
To assure myself I touched the water.
My naive impious deed had failed.
I couldn’t recall the thought that had
started all these events.
Only thing I could do was switch off
electricity, go back home
drink a beer and think... why it failed?
Maybe currents flowing to and fro
fought each other and crashed
beneath the rocks or
Ocean didn’t wanted to disturb some
painter painting the horizon.
After all horizons is the only visitor
that breaks monotony for it or
I just missed a bathtub...
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Jan 30, 2008,
#2
Hey. I really liked this. Love the subtle rhyme of the first two lines. Drew me in straight away.

I drowned an electric lamp in sea
and I switched it on.

Is there a word missing between 'in' and 'sea' ? Or is it just me reading this weirdly? It feels like there should be a 'the' there, or something.

Only thing I could do was switch off
electricity, go back home
drink a beer and think... why it failed?

This is my least favourite part of the piece tbh. Just seems sorta forced, and it barely even reads like poetry, more like a diary entry - and it clashes for me with the rest of the content.

Ocean didn’t wanted to disturb some
painter painting the horizon.

Okay, the lack of 'the' is there again. I'm beginning to think it's intentional. Is 'Ocean' a person?

After all horizons is the only visitor

I don't get it. I really wanted to figure out what you were talking about... but it's like something is missing or mistyped or I'm just looking at this the wrong way.


I'll just comment on the piece as a whole to cap off. I really enjoyed it. It was a refreshingly original piece with great use of language and choice vocabulary. I loved the metaphor of the ocean and the electric shock etc. It's something I haven't seen used before the way you used it. I felt though at times you stopped writing poetry and just wrote you. If you know what I mean. It's like for little bits of the piece it's really personal and at other times it's completely accessible by everyone.

Idk, I'm confusing you I'm sure. I'll stop now. Good job though. Thanks for the words on mine.
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#3
"I drowned an electric lamp in the sea
and I switched it on.
My Intent was to cure the world with
shock therapy"

brilliant.

I can't believe I missed this when it was first posted, this is a great piece.

maybe get to mine if you have time? it's floating around somewhere...