#1
This is kinda of rough draft. But hey I wrote it in 13 minutes =p
So i figured why not see what you guys think of it
Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated
If you comment, actually talk about my song, dont try to advertise your song
Thanks
( oh yeah and if you have a suggestion for a better title, id like to hear it)


"Seven To Forever"

(Verse)
Well it's 7am now,
The doors are open, let's go out,
Into a world we've never seen,
Oh how this light seems so different,
How could we have missed it,
Maybe it was never like this before,

(Chorus)
Now that the ghosts and the strangers,
Are the only remainders,
Of a world that used to breathe,
Now your face is all I see,
Take my hand and run with me,
This isn't how it has to be,

(Verse)
Well it's 7pm now,
The sun has finally gone down,
The only light that's left is you,
You shine the way through the darkness,
I know you'll get me through all this,
That's all you have ever done before,

(Chorus)

(Verse)
Well it's the rest of our lives now,
What seems amazing is just how,
We haven't changed at all,
Athough this clock keeps on ticking,
And this world keeps on spinning,

No one's ever made each second,
Just as perfect as you are,

(Chorus)

(Outro)
You taught me how to breathe,
Now it's time to live


Well there ya go. I wrote it in study hall today cause I was bored as heck.
Please tell me what ya think! =]
Quote by chamill4u
Also, start inconspicuously humping the nearest immobile object while darting your eyes back and forth suspiciously. Works best if the nearest immobile object is also the nearest person.



Bend (newest)

Seven To Forever

We've All Seen
#2
Quote by Mr.RiffPicker

"Seven To Forever"

(Verse)
Well it's 7am now,
The doors are open, let's go out,
Into a world we've never seen,
Oh how this light seems so different,
How could we have missed it,
Maybe it was never like this before,
- This is a nice opening stanza n_n

(Chorus)
Now that the ghosts and the strangers, - This line seems a bit long, maybe you could take out 'that' and just have it be 'Now the ghosts ...etc etc'
Are the only remainders,
Of a world that used to breathe,
Now your face is all I see,
Take my hand and run with me,
This isn't how it has to be,
- Nice chorus.

(Verse)
Well it's 7pm now,
The sun has finally gone down,
The only light that's left is you, - I like the alliteration here
You shine the way through the darkness,
I know you'll get me through all this, - Would it sound better as 'I know you'll help me get through this'?
That's all you have ever done before, - This line would probably flow better if you changed you have to you've

(Chorus)

(Verse)
Well it's the rest of our lives now,
What seems amazing is just how,
We haven't changed at all,
Athough this clock keeps on ticking,
And this world keeps on spinning,
- This is good :]

No one's ever made each second,
Just as perfect as you are,

(Chorus)

(Outro)
You taught me how to breathe,
Now it's time to live
- I really like this as the ending


This is really good! Some parts need some changes, of course nothing's perfect, but i liked it a lot And I think the title's okay, too :]
#3
I really like the title. Maybe you should let it be.

It's really good overall, the only thing I would change would be the first line of the chorus. Other than that, good job.
#5
I happen to also be a fan of the title. I like titles are kind of reflections of the songs in a way and aren't just simply a line stolen from the chorus. For only 15 minutes i have to say i'm very impressed. The lines flow and rhyme with one another very easily and i could easily sing along to myself with the lyrics. My favorite line was in the second verse: "The sun has finally gone down, The only light that's left is you," this is really great alliteration and is a good and original take on something that could have come off as cliche. Overall it was well done i would love to hear this song some day with music. If you have time check out my new piece called August Nights on Fire: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=774568
#6

"Seven To Forever"

(Verse)
Well it's 7am now,
The doors are open, let's go out,
Into a world we've never seen,
Oh how this light seems so different,
How could we have missed it,
Maybe it was never like this before,
This is an OK opening, nothing really bad to say about it.

(Chorus)
Now that the ghosts and the strangers,
Are the only remainders,
Of a world that used to breathe,
Now your face is all I see,
Take my hand and run with me,
This isn't how it has to be,
I like the slant rhyme of 'strangers' and 'remainders' but the last line seems a little contradictory of the ones before. It sounds like you're saying that you two don't have to be together.

(Verse)
Well it's 7pm now,
The sun has finally gone down,
The only light that's left is you,
You shine the way through the darkness,
I know you'll get me through all this,
That's all you have ever done before,
The light idea is a little cliched but you worded it well. Rhythm seems a little inconsistent but I'm sure it sounds better with music.

(Chorus)

(Verse)
Well it's the rest of our lives now,
What seems amazing is just how,
We haven't changed at all,
Athough this clock keeps on ticking,
And this world keeps on spinning,
Nice flow, I don't really like the first two lines though. The rhyme sounds a little forced.

No one's ever made each second,
Just as perfect as you are,
I quite like these two lines. Simple but pleasant.

(Chorus)

(Outro)
You taught me how to breathe,
Now it's time to live
This is an OK ending. Nothing much else to say.


This is pretty good for having only written it in, 13 minutes, was it? Good job and I don't know if this crit will help you any but I hope that it does.