#1
Recently found someone absolutely amazing,
wrote a song about them.


Broke on through from the outside
For the longest time, you lived on my blind side
My vision has broadened and I can finally see you
All due to anger pent up inside the truth

Though this faith is kept in secret,
It just adds to the to the love of this.
Warmth grows from the inside
A feeling of a kiss the finally can suffice

Spent together during this struggle
A relationship that must be smuggled
Are lives collective just seem to fit
Like a candle thats just been lit

Though this faith is kept in secret,
it just adds to the to the love of this.
Warmth grows from the inside
A feeling of a kiss the finally can suffice

Living on this empty ocean
Was filled in a graceful motion
When I really saw your face
Everything just slid into place

Though this faith is kept in secret,
It just adds to the to the love of this.
Warmth grows from the inside
A feeling of a kiss the finally can suffice
Birdie Birdie in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like Sugar, Tastes like sap.....OMG ITS BIRDIE CRAP!
#2
Quote by RRRUBEN
Recently found someone absolutely amazing,
wrote a song about them.


Broke on through from the outside
For the longest time, you lived on my blind side
My vision has broadened and I can finally see you
All due to anger pent up inside the truth

This stanza is good for me, nothing cliche in my book. The last line I think you may want to consider putting "the" in between 'to and anger', personally I'd like the flow better, not that its bad without it, its just something that I think should be there. thats nitpicking though.

Though this faith is kept in secret,
It just adds to the to the love of this.
Warmth grows from the inside
A feeling of a kiss the finally can suffice

Take "of this" off of the second line for better flow. And the last line seems like theres a typo, im not sure if you ment "then" or you're missing a word. other than that it's a good chorus to me.

Spent together during this struggle
A relationship that must be smuggled
Are lives collective just seem to fit
Like a candle thats just been lit

the rhyme of 'struggle and smuggled' seems a little forced but it's not a stereotypical forced rhyme so its fine. (if it wasnt then its cool, it just seemed a little like it).

Though this faith is kept in secret,
it just adds to the to the love of this.
Warmth grows from the inside
A feeling of a kiss the finally can suffice

same as before

Living on this empty ocean
Was filled in a graceful motion
When I really saw your face
Everything just slid into place

the second line sorta threw me off but i might be missing the point, the last two are really good IMO. Honestly I think the chorus after this isn't necessary. This seems like a perfectly fine place to end it.

Though this faith is kept in secret,
It just adds to the to the love of this.
Warmth grows from the inside
A feeling of a kiss the finally can suffice



Nice job, its not phenomenal, but its not crap. It's a quality piece, and for being written OTS it's very good. Some work and it may turn out phenomenal.

if you want to crit one of mine look at "Slipping Away" in my sig.

btw congrats on finding someone amazing.
#3
Quote by RRRUBEN
Recently found someone absolutely amazing,
wrote a song about them. Yep, me too. I've never been in this emotionally charged place which has given the same level of inspiration as I've had over the last few weeks


Broke on through from the outside
For the longest time, you lived on my blind side Personally I don't like rhyming a word with itself, but I guess it makes sense here.
My vision has broadened and I can finally see you
All due to anger pent up inside the truth

Though this faith is kept in secret,
It just adds to the to the love of this.
Warmth grows from the inside
A feeling of a kiss the finally can suffice Should "the" be "that"?

Spent together during this struggle
A relationship that must be smuggled quicksiler25 has covered this one
Are lives collective just seem to fit I don't understand this line...
Like a candle thats just been lit

Though this faith is kept in secret,
it just adds to the to the love of this.
Warmth grows from the inside
A feeling of a kiss the finally can suffice

Living on this empty ocean
Was filled in a graceful motion
When I really saw your face
Everything just slid into placeI like this stanza with the exception of the word "slid", but I can't think of an alternative to suggest

Though this faith is kept in secret,
It just adds to the to the love of this.
Warmth grows from the inside
A feeling of a kiss the finally can suffice


I like the sentiment but it left me wondering why the relationship had to be smuggled. I don't need to know as I can definitely relate to why it might need to be smuggled I don't know if you want to expand that point out in another verse?

If I can fish for a C4C then it'd be cool if you'd look at this one
#4
Thank you for the crits guys and yes, "the" was meant to be "that"
The line "Are lives collective just seem to fit" alot of people didnt understand
it means our lives together just seem to fit, but i didnt want to use the word together
thank you all again, i will return the favor ASAP
Birdie Birdie in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like Sugar, Tastes like sap.....OMG ITS BIRDIE CRAP!