#1
hey I just wrote this the other day. I'm not really finished it yet but some advice would be appreciated thanks.

already you are starting to bleed
but there is that thing inside you that you've got to feed
its a horror a fright, the things that bite
and now you know that its just not right
but its too late your screaming you cant get air
with out a pistol in hand you feel so bare

already you see that the world is not what it seems
everything you've seen has all turned to dreams
your lives thrown away
now you know that your gotta pay

Your trapped inside this body
with no control you let it all go
destroying your life
always wanting more
I can't believe what I see
this pain, this suffering
all you do is sit their
trying to believe
this wasn't caused you
#2
Quote by dr.feel good


already you are starting to bleed
but there is that thing inside you that you've got to feed <It'd probably flow better if you changed "there is" to "there's".
its a horror a fright, the things that bite
and now you know that its just not right
but its too late your screaming you cant get air <"Your" should be "you're".
with out a pistol in hand you feel so bare
^This is a nice, strong opening but the last line sounds kind of awkward to me. It seems like you needed something to rhyme with air, but all you could think of was bare.


already you see that the world is not what it seems <I'm not sure if I like your using "already" at the beginning of this stanza again.
everything you've seen has all turned to dreams <"Dreams" sounds like a good word to me and makes it sound like you're saying that the world isn't what it seems, but in a good way.
your lives thrown away
now you know that your gotta pay <Should "gotta" be "gonna"? And again, "your" should be "you're".

Your trapped inside this body <Again, "your" should be "you're".
with no control you let it all go <I like this part, it kind of sounds like internal rhyme, "control" and "go". But maybe it'd sound better if it was "You're out of control and you let it all go"? But maybe that's too long :p I dunno.
destroying your life
always wanting more
I can't believe what I see
this pain, this suffering
all you do is sit their
trying to believe
this wasn't caused you <I think this is supposed to be "This wasn't caused by you"?


Overall I liked this piece n_n You could use a better ending, but I know it's unfinished so if you're wanting to continue, you should think of a nice strong finish.