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#1
i'll get started:

"your dad's asshole is so lose, it's like throwing a sausage down the hallway.
#2
A mans wife buys a pair of crotchless tights to spice up their relationship. She wears a short skirt over it and gets slutted up. Husband comes in from work and sits down. The wife spreads her legs and goes "Want some of this honey?", the man replies "Hell no! Look at what it's done to your underwear!"

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#3
ok...
a man is buying guns at a shop. the shop owner hands him a rifle, and says "this is the best sniper u can find, it has the best hadware and parts on the market. see, if u look thru the scope, u can see my house on the hill!". so the customer takes one look and tells the owner that he can see a woman and a man running around naked. the owner then gets pissed but says "my wifes having an affair! tell u wat, if u can shoot my wife's head off with one shot and shoot the man's dick off with another, i'll give u the gun for free." the customer takes another look and says "i think i can do it with one!"
Half Man, Half Bearpig! I am Super Sereal!

Quote by jravolta
Every time the Jonas Brothers play, an innocent in Darfur is killed.


lol diversity in UGers:

Quote by i have to pee
I am not 12, but my sack is still hairless.



Quote by magnum1117
my balls are hairy as chewbacca's...
#5
One day a bar owner was putting up a notice " Make the donkey outside cry and i'll give you 1000 dollars".

So this one guy comes in and asks the owner why he wants to make the donkey cry. the owner replies

"cause he keeps laughing it's pissing me off"

So the guy goes outside and out of nowhere the laughing donkey starts to cry. the guy goes back in and asks for the money. the owner goes

" okay i'll give you the money but you gotta tell me how you made him cry."

the dude goes " i told him my penis was bigger than his "

The next day the owner put up another notice requesting for the crying donkey to laugh again.
The same guy comes in and says he'll do it. So he walks outside and the donkey starts laughing again.
The owner asked how he did it.
The dude replied.

"i showed him my penis"

EDIT: By the time i finished writing this, i noticed it wasn't really a sex joke
#6
terminator is caught and taken to prison, and while hes showering he sees soap on the floor so he bends over and *bing* new hardware detected!
#7
Your mum's so dirty when i was speaking to her on the phone last night I got an ear infection.
#8
What's slimy long and green, and smells like pork

Kermit's finger.
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#9
Quote by Ex'sAndOh's
What's slimy long and green, and smells like pork

Kermit's finger.

LMFAO. That's possibly the funniest joke i've ever heard
#13
Quote by ZanasCross
Threadstarter.


Get it?
damn you ZanasCross! Damn you to hell!
#14
my dad said a classmte of his wrote on his paper that his name was "dick hertz" and he went to a catholic school, and the nun was from like holland, and she kept saying "who's dick hurts?" but it sounded like "whose dick hurts?", true story!!! not really a joke, but sex related and funny none the less
#16
*Guy burps*

"I just got done eating"
"What was her name?"

Friends dad said that at the mall to a guy working there
#17
Quote by musicfreak003
ok...
a man is buying guns at a shop. the shop owner hands him a rifle, and says "this is the best sniper u can find, it has the best hadware and parts on the market. see, if u look thru the scope, u can see my house on the hill!". so the customer takes one look and tells the owner that he can see a woman and a man running around naked. the owner then gets pissed but says "my wifes having an affair! tell u wat, if u can shoot my wife's head off with one shot and shoot the man's dick off with another, i'll give u the gun for free." the customer takes another look and says "i think i can do it with one!"


it was a thinker, but I gots it. Nice
#19
wuts the difference between anal, and oral sex?


oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week
Gear
ESP Ltd EC-256
Takamine G-40
Boss NS-2
Morley Bad Horsie 2
MXR Classic OD
MXR 10-Band EQ
Boss TU-3
B 52 AT-100
B 52 AT 412A

Line 6 Relay G30
Last edited by jermzxsugarx at Feb 1, 2008,
#20
Quote by jermzxsugarx
wuts the difference between anal, and oral sex?


oral sex makes your day, andal sex makes your hole week

Oh God
#21
A woman wins a holiday to the Carribean, but instead of inviting her husband she takes her best friend. Three days into the holiday, they meet a handsome black man, start talking, and invite him back to their apartment. After a while, they have the wildest threesome sex they have ever had. After the sex, the women ask the man his name. "My name is Snow" He says. The women both looked at each other and one said "Hah, our husbands will never believe us when we tell them we had ten inches of snow in the Carribean!"
RULE BRITANNIA
#22
Quote by jermzxsugarx
wuts the difference between anal, and oral sex?


oral sex makes your day, andal sex makes your hole week


Sandal sex? i dont get it......
I never pass solids, but then again my pee is very thick.
Quote by Vincent745
Quote by grayfox1001
Quote by Vincent745
Your being too opinionated
is that even possible?
Yes it is..
#23
at this thread.
Quote by Aftertime
Thanks Mr. Heafyman! you're an absolute legend
Quote by Ex'sAndOh's
Porn is everywhere. Look around.
Porn is in the forest, in your parents bedroom, in the sea.
But most importantly, in your heart.
Quote by Hypnotisation
I take dumps all the time! I R TURDBURGLAR!
#24
Quote by sweeping_steve
Sandal sex? i dont get it......

woops, i meant to say anal, i fxed it now
Gear
ESP Ltd EC-256
Takamine G-40
Boss NS-2
Morley Bad Horsie 2
MXR Classic OD
MXR 10-Band EQ
Boss TU-3
B 52 AT-100
B 52 AT 412A

Line 6 Relay G30
#25
There was a father who was very close to his son. They used to go
everywhere together including looking for "chicken" (Chinese slang for
prostitute). One day, the son decided to go oversea for study. The father
was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him, "We
cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you
need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But
please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not
suspect." So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill
from the son (shooting bird - $1000). Subsequently, and for the next few
months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $1000. Well, the father
could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son. "Son, you have been
shooting too expensive bird, try some
cheaper one". A month later, the father received another bill from his son.
On it he had written:

Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000
IIIIIII
#26
Quote by synopsize
There was a father who was very close to his son. They used to go
everywhere together including looking for "chicken" (Chinese slang for
prostitute). One day, the son decided to go oversea for study. The father
was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him, "We
cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you
need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But
please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not
suspect." So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill
from the son (shooting bird - $1000). Subsequently, and for the next few
months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $1000. Well, the father
could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son. "Son, you have been
shooting too expensive bird, try some
cheaper one". A month later, the father received another bill from his son.
On it he had written:

Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000



haha


i get it
#27
Sex is like pizza, when it's good it's good! and when it's bad...it gets on your shirt
Quote by Zephyyr
Cool Whip, I love your sig!
#28
Probably old, but:

What do you do with 360 used condoms?

Make them into a tire and call it a good year.
Last edited by Broadsword at Feb 1, 2008,
#29
Son tells his dad he had sex for the first time. The dad grabs two beers out of the fridge, pats him on the back and says, "Congratulations my boy. So, do you have any questions?" The son says, "Yeah, how much longer will my ass hurt?"
Gear:
Inflatable Guitar
Digitech GSP 2101/Mosvalve 962/Yamaha S412V
My Imagination
#30
Quote by KryptNet
Son tells his dad he had sex for the first time. The dad grabs two beers out of the fridge, pats him on the back and says, "Congratulations my boy. So, do you have any questions?" The son says, "Yeah, how much longer will my ass hurt?"

lol
#32
a boy comes home from school one day and tells his mom that he had sex with his teacher. His mother yells at him a lot, tells him to go in his room, and to wait for his father go get home. So when his dad comes home he takes him out for ice cream and buys him a bike. He tells his son, "Next time just tell me, and don't tell your mom." The boy says ok. When his dad asked him if he wanted to ride his new bike the boy said, "Maybe tomorrow, my ass still hurts right now."


yea i know it's like the other one
#33
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
#34
Quote by musicfreak003
ok...
a man is buying guns at a shop. the shop owner hands him a rifle, and says "this is the best sniper u can find, it has the best hadware and parts on the market. see, if u look thru the scope, u can see my house on the hill!". so the customer takes one look and tells the owner that he can see a woman and a man running around naked. the owner then gets pissed but says "my wifes having an affair! tell u wat, if u can shoot my wife's head off with one shot and shoot the man's dick off with another, i'll give u the gun for free." the customer takes another look and says "i think i can do it with one!"



Took me a few minutes
Quote by blackenedktulu
CFH82, I love you. I didn't laugh, but my god, I love you.

Quote by Zero-Hartman
Holy shit, that was epic. A mighty roar escapeth'd my mouth.

Quote by WyvernOmega
I saw a penis.

last.fm
#36
Your mum's looser than a wizard's sleeve
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#37
Quote by musicfreak003
ok...
a man is buying guns at a shop. the shop owner hands him a rifle, and says "this is the best sniper u can find, it has the best hadware and parts on the market. see, if u look thru the scope, u can see my house on the hill!". so the customer takes one look and tells the owner that he can see a woman and a man running around naked. the owner then gets pissed but says "my wifes having an affair! tell u wat, if u can shoot my wife's head off with one shot and shoot the man's dick off with another, i'll give u the gun for free." the customer takes another look and says "i think i can do it with one!"


Nice!
#38
Quote by Ex'sAndOh's
What's slimy long and green, and smells like pork

Kermit's finger.


HAHAHHAHA I love that... and it's even funnier cause my mum was just going through the channels and kermit was on tv.. HAHHA.
#39
So, a newly married couple were getting ready to take a shower together. As the man got in, and the woman undressed, there came a knock at the door. So, the woman threw on a towel and went to see who it was...
When she opened the door, it was her husbands friend, Bill.
"uh, oh wow!" he said, "I'll give you $1000 right now to drop your towel just a little bit"
She was shocked at first but quickly thought of how they really needed any money they could get, so she agreed.
"Oh man! I'll give you another thousand to drop it to the waist!"
"Okay, but only cuz we really need the money." So she did.
"Damn! Okay... I'll give you another $3000 to lose the towel all together!"
She knew her husband would understand that they really needed the money that much, so she did. Bill handed her all the money on the spot and left smiling.
When she ran into the bathroom, her husband asked who it was...
"It was Bill, and you're never gonna believe..."
"Bill? Hey did he say anything about the $5000 he owes me?"...
#40
Quote by TheJoker
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"



took me a second
-GBD <JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!
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