#1
i've just started messing around with this tonight, i'm new to writing and need as much input as possible. Any help would be appreciated. And i'm trying to figure out how to end this and maybe a little help with the chorus.


-Long Day/Cut Short-

Just laid in bed with dreams running all around my head
The alarm goes off so I throw the damn thing off my bed
This is how it started yeah this is how it began.
I started out thinkin’ that today would never end

I’m off to school, yeah I walk to the bus
But on my way, my bitch she starts to fuss
I try to calm her down she says it’s all your fault
I said I wouldn’t have done it, if I knew I was gonna get caught

Now I’m sitting in class, the teacher calls me out
She says now son, what’s this all about
I look at her desk and say that is wasn’t me
Excuse me Miss teacher, will you please let me be


When this all started I thought here we go again
I’ve had a long day, I don’t know where to begin
Fender Fat Strat (Arctic White w/ maple neck)
Alvarez AD62SC
Vox AD30VT
#2
Hey dude, i'm a complete amateur when it comes to critiques, but I thought i'd give it a try anyway.
The first two lines fit well together, but the next two kinda break the flow. Especially the last line of the first stanza, there's something not right about it, can't put my finger on exactly what though. The last two lines of the second stanza, "I try to calm her down she says it’s all your fault. I said I wouldn’t have done it, if I knew I was gonna get caught" play off each other well, they're possibly my favourite lines of the song. Not sure about the 3rd stanza, the rhyme scheme is quite basic, plus I didn't really get drawn in... The outro was class though, simple and to the point. It also sums up the song in general.
Anyway, i've gone on quite a bit
It's not bad for a beginner, keep writing man.
If you have the time, check out some of my songs, they're in my signature. Crits would be most appreciated, and returned.
Keep at it man
Gord
#3
thanks. i'll try to work on it some more and critique some of yours
Fender Fat Strat (Arctic White w/ maple neck)
Alvarez AD62SC
Vox AD30VT
#4
c4c...all help is appreciated. i really need some help figuring out a chorus
Fender Fat Strat (Arctic White w/ maple neck)
Alvarez AD62SC
Vox AD30VT
#5
it was all right, seemed kinda childish though. i really didn't like the last two lines. i thought that whatever respect you could get with this piece was kinda lost in those last two lines. either take them out completely, or try to get something better in there. i also think in the first two lines you say bed too many times. try to re-word it so that it flows smoother. could you crit untitled? its in my sig.
#6
I'm not going to do a stanza-by-stanza crit because the things I have to say pretty much apply to the lyrics as a whole. A lot of forced rhyming, rhythm isn't very smooth, words are pretty bland, don't really like the cussing (but that's just my opinion), and begins to sound like it's a rap in the third stanza. These are just what I think though, so you don't have to listen to anything I say. Hope this helps you.