#1
"What is DNA?"
"I dont know"
"Do you care?"
"not really"

Why am I here?
because I have to be.
Its ok,
I dont mind it much.
Maybe I was made to love,
hell, maybe I was made to lust.

Where am I going?
does it matter?
Heaven cant be much different from hell,
right?
I know I'm going to wal-mart later.

Teacher talks,
not listening,
I already know what she's saying anyway,
I just let her humiliate the kid next to me these days
"Hey man, can you loan me that gun your loading?"
"Why?"
"Do you care?"
"not really"

Edit: after Zanas post, thanks a bunch man
Double Edit: after Zanas second post
c4c as always
Last edited by bluesybilly at Feb 2, 2008,
#2
I don't know what to think of it. The opening stanzas kepy me reading to find out exactly what existential conundrum was going on (if any), and the remainder felt like a forced message of some form. Like an after school special on....gun control?

I don't know. The beginning and end were great, but I have a feeling this about something more trivial than I want it to be.

God, that didn't help at alll.Sorry.
Poor advice.
#3
I'm just honored you read one of my pieces of shit so thanks

but no its not about gun control at all, just wanted to clear that up

thanks for noticing me
#4
Quote by bluesybilly
"What is DNA?"
"I dont know"
"Do you care?"
"not really"

I like this as an opening. It's... different. Its like starting mid-conversation, but the conversation is interesting enough you wanna know why its going on. Cool.

Why am I here?
because I have to be

Why?

"Please, just shut up"

Now it goes down hill. Using this style again really sort of cheapens the effect it had the first time. It was neat the first time... now it feels like a "guided" conversation to make a point. Like you are trying really hard to drive a point home, but don't want to just say it... thus you hint at it in some ass backward form. Plus, it just seems like a cheap trick to make your piece deep... you mention the idea of a meaning to life... and then bypass it. Feels like you stole Plato for a minute and had him write two lines... and then just interjected them into an idea that didn't need them.

Teacher talks,
not listening,
I already know what she's saying anyways,
I just let her humiliate the kid next to me these days.

I really like the tone in this section. The apathetic student, but still sort of making it personal and allowing me to connect with the last line. I also loved the "these days" sort of casual-ness.

"Do you care?"
"not really"
"hey man, can you loan me that gun your loading?"
"Why?"
"Do you care?"
"not really"

Take out the top "do you care, not really" I think it is one too many. Makes it seemed too forced to me. With just two it keeps a heavy impact and still seems like it could be an actual convo you had instead of a forced literary tool. Plus, the top one doesn't relate THAT closely to anything. You could sacrifice it for the greater good. I like the ending... interesting. Capitalize 'hey.'


I liked this.... but at the same time I didn't. Love the idea and the tone in the middle... but it still felt lacking. You need some more to it, something more in the middle maybe. Just feels a but underdeveloped... like you didn't do as much with the styles and ideas you had as you could have.

c4c on Bust a Move, if you could.

peace and coconuts,

-zC
#5
nice... thats just about what im always thinking around 4th, 6th, 5th period
If its not fender than whatever]
#7
Not bad bluesbilly but i think it could be revised. I don't like the conversation i thought it was too plain i think it could have been done a little, it felt like it was written OTS.
Also you should try not to phrase some of the words differently as they seemed like they were all taken from a random covo in school.

I don't know man. But i like the idea, but i don't quite get it yet.
#8
anyones who says anyways should be shot immediatly

other than that, i liked it.
#9
Good it is. [/yoda]

Quote by bluesybilly

"What is DNA?"
"I dont know"
"Do you care?"
"not really"
Good opener. I like writers who manage to include simple dialogue in the piece and are able to make it interesting. Good job.

Why am I here?
because I have to be.
maybe.
Because of love.
No that can't be it.
definately not. <-- don't want to be a jerk but "definitely" .
The stanza was interesting. I thought that it could have a double meaning(yeah farfetched so what?)and whilst you didn't make it very clear, I felt myself understanding. The way you wrote it makes it very easy to keep on reading.


Where am I going?
does it matter?
Heaven cant be much different from hell, <-- felt cliché
right?
I know I'm going to wal-mart later. forget what I said about cliché, this was great.

Teacher talks,
not listening,
I already know what she's saying anyways, anyway indeed. I wouldn't shoot you though. You write to well. And I **** up spelling all the time.
I just let her humiliate the kid next to me these days
"Hey man, can you loan me that gun your loading?"that was a big jump in theme.
"Why?"
"Do you care?"
"not really"
nice reprise on the opening stanza if that was intentional, if not, you struck gold.
Edit: after Zanas post, thanks a bunch man

c4c as always


Right-o...

Lame crit for lame crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=776335