#1
Very new piece, brainstormed last night and organized the lines when I got home from school today. I don't feel that it approaches the best I can do, but I wanted to see what you guys thought of it. Also, for the life of me, I can't decide on a meaningful title. The one you see is a total working title, barely anything to do with the song.

I know the rhyme scheme is kind of an inconsistent train wreck, but I like it that way. The music would be something like Protest the Hero, with plenty of instrumental breaks to lead between the parts, so it's less of an issue. The line breaks indicate new parts of the song.

Let's get to it then. =]

I still can’t remember the reasons why I loved you.
Perhaps it was the angles of your wrists, the taste upon your lips
The curves with which you tore apart the keenest of male minds.

Was that all it was?
Were you simply orchestrating my fall from grace?
Even as I gazed upon the splendor of your face
You’d eagerly anticipate my future laid to waste

I sought solace from you even as you cast me off
Like a dress that no longer fit your ever-inflating desire
For the approval of the world around you

Meaningless agreements, bound in darkest blood
A contract to the heart of a promising young stud
Exchanging fond words from miles away
Words upon which I could build my wedding vows
They ring loud as anathema in a love barely weeks old

I’ve finally seen the day when we are defined by those around us
Discarnate at birth, that we may dissolve into the pack.
Where we turn a blind eye to the flaws of humankind
Until we’ve all turned around and bit each other in the back.
We consume one another like the soil at our feet
Ensuring our dying day will be one of suffocation.

But I’ve occupied myself with this latest fixation
Perhaps to take my mind off of the dagger in my back.

This fledgling romance is more akin to goddess worship.
Her hair stole the fire from the burning august sky
Her eyes stole the depth of a stained-glass sea of sighs
Completing my world even as the world completes her

I depart from this den of despair and deceit
Hand in hand with everything that you could never be.


Pretty rough, I'm not satisfied with the phrasing of certain bits and some parts don't read very well at all. Let me know what you think, I appreciate it. Thanks!

To clarify, the girl in the beginning of the song is something of a c*nt who went behind my back and started dating my best friend.

The girl in the last two stanzas is an entirely different girl.
Maybe I should make that more clear.
Last edited by HoldFastHope at Jan 31, 2008,
#2
I wish I could do this stuff.. It looks amazing.
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#4
Quote by HoldFastHope
Very new piece, brainstormed last night and organized the lines when I got home from school today. I don't feel that it approaches the best I can do, but I wanted to see what you guys thought of it. Also, for the life of me, I can't decide on a meaningful title. The one you see is a total working title, barely anything to do with the song.

I know the rhyme scheme is kind of an inconsistent train wreck, but I like it that way. The music would be something like Protest the Hero, with plenty of instrumental breaks to lead between the parts, so it's less of an issue. The line breaks indicate new parts of the song.

Let's get to it then. =]

I still can’t remember the reasons why I loved you.
Perhaps it was the angles of your wrists, the taste upon your lips
The curves with which you tore apart the keenest of male minds.

Really like this opening very strong

Was that all it was?
Were you simply orchestrating my fall from grace?
Even as I gazed upon the splendor of your face
You’d eagerly anticipate my future laid to waste

Again another killer verse not too much i can say against it either

I sought solace from you even as you cast me off
A dress that no longer fit your ever-inflating desire
For the approval of the world, I was an ornament
Not a huge fan of the phrasing here. I like the content but you need to come up with a new way to say it. Also i'm not sure what you mean by the last line.

Meaningless agreements, bound in darkest blood
A contract to the heart of a promising young stud
Exchanging fond words from miles away
Words upon which I could build my wedding vows
They ring loud as anathema in a love barely weeks old


I’ve finally seen the day when we are defined by those around us
Discarnate at birth, that we may dissolve into the pack.
Where we turn a blind eye to the flaws of humankind
Until we’ve all turned around and bit each other in the back.
We consume one another like the soil at our feet
Ensuring our dying day will be one of suffocation.
My problem with this verse is that i'm not really sure what is going on competely or how it fits with the rest of the song. It does seem to sound and flow good however.

But I’ve occupied myself with this latest fixation
Perhaps to take my mind off of the dagger in my back.

This fledgling romance is more akin to goddess worship.
Her hair stole the fire from the burning august sky
Her eyes stole the depth of a stained-glass sea of sighs
Completing my world even as the world completes her

I depart from this den of despair and deceit
Hand in hand with everything that you could never be.


Pretty rough, I'm not satisfied with the phrasing of certain bits and some parts don't read very well at all. Let me know what you think, I appreciate it. Thanks!

To clarify, the girl in the beginning of the song is something of a c*nt who went behind my back and started dating my best friend.

The girl in the last two stanzas is an entirely different girl.
Maybe I should make that more clear.


Overall I don't think this is half bad. Like you said above there are some weird phrasing or flow parts, but i've kind of learned not to criticize so much on flow because for the most part the person who wrote prolly has some different kind of flow in his head anyhow. If you have time try to check my newest piece called August Nights on Fire: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=774568
#5
I changed the stanza about the dress, I think it was for the better.

Also, the stanza you said didn't really fit the song, it's more of a criticism of her materialistic, socially-dependent ways. She only does things that will win the approval of others, and I kind of turned that into a criticism of our back-stabbing, materialistic, I-don't-know-who-my-true-friends-are kind of ways (unless we make a conscious decision not to be that way, but we are innately all kind of like that in my opinion).

I would agree that I need to make it flow better, though, so that it transitions more smoothly and has more relevance to the rest of the song.
#6
I still can’t remember the reasons why I loved you.
Perhaps it was the angles of your wrists, the taste upon your lips
The curves with which you tore apart the keenest of male minds.

interesting... angles of your wrists?i mean i know your trying to make it rhyme and flow but angles? try.. allure or... quaintness iono there's a lot of words taht would be better.

Was that all it was?
Were you simply orchestrating my fall from grace?
Even as I gazed upon the splendor of your face
You’d eagerly anticipate my future laid to waste

lol good stanza solid not bad

I sought solace from you even as you cast me off
Like a dress that no longer fit your ever-inflating desire
For the approval of the world around you

good stanza... seems a bit choppy though.

Meaningless agreements, bound in darkest blood
A contract to the heart of a promising young stud
Exchanging fond words from miles away
Words upon which I could build my wedding vows
They ring loud as anathema in a love barely weeks old

lol this is a good stanza.. ilike the blood contract. the couplet int he first two. the words from miles away and the wedding vows. over all very nice.

I’ve finally seen the day when we are defined by those around us
Discarnate at birth, that we may dissolve into the pack.
Where we turn a blind eye to the flaws of humankind
Until we’ve all turned around and bit each other in the back.
We consume one another like the soil at our feet
Ensuring our dying day will be one of suffocation.

this is very good following stanza powerful

But I’ve occupied myself with this latest fixation
Perhaps to take my mind off of the dagger in my back.

ok.. kind of a weak transition out..

This fledgling romance is more akin to goddess worship.
Her hair stole the fire from the burning august sky
Her eyes stole the depth of a stained-glass sea of sighs
Completing my world even as the world completes her

it kind of jumps here. and i dont see any transition. yoiuy kind of jumped too i think.. from the girl to i've seen the day but it seemed ok because you seemed to ahve the piece flow away. and i thought that's aight i mean, to move away from that idea..

I depart from this den of despair and deceit
Hand in hand with everything that you could never be.

ok closing is ok.. seems a weak 2 lines to end int hough

over all this was a pretty good peice. it had it's strong points then it's weak points, and some parts to be smoothed over. over all gj.. keep up the good work. crit one of mine? in sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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#7

I still can’t remember the reasons why I loved you.
Perhaps it was the angles of your wrists, the taste upon your lips
The curves with which you tore apart the keenest of male minds.
I like the slant internal rhyme in the second line and slightly in the third line, 'wrists', 'lips', and 'which'. Well-worded.

Was that all it was?
Were you simply orchestrating my fall from grace?
Even as I gazed upon the splendor of your face
You’d eagerly anticipate my future laid to waste
I'm not sure if I like the three lines rhyming like this. It doesn't sound that forced though, I must say. Again, well-worded.

I sought solace from you even as you cast me off
Like a dress that no longer fit your ever-inflating desire
For the approval of the world around you
Is 'fit' supposed to be 'fits' in the second line? Or is it a different tense?

Meaningless agreements, bound in darkest blood
A contract to the heart of a promising young stud
Exchanging fond words from miles away
Words upon which I could build my wedding vows
They ring loud as anathema in a love barely weeks old
Haha, stud, no one has used that word in a while. You definitely have a way with words.

I’ve finally seen the day when we are defined by those around us
Discarnate at birth, that we may dissolve into the pack.
Where we turn a blind eye to the flaws of humankind
Until we’ve all turned around and bit each other in the back.
We consume one another like the soil at our feet
Ensuring our dying day will be one of suffocation.
I don't really like the word discarnate and I don't quite understand the fifth line. When you say 'We consume one another like the soil at our feet' are you referring to when we die and are buried beneath the soil?

But I’ve occupied myself with this latest fixation
Perhaps to take my mind off of the dagger in my back.
'Fixation' sounds a little strange here but I like the second line a lot.

This fledgling romance is more akin to goddess worship.
Her hair stole the fire from the burning august sky
Her eyes stole the depth of a stained-glass sea of sighs
Completing my world even as the world completes her
Wow, I love this stanza, great imagery and wording. Wonderful.

I depart from this den of despair and deceit
Hand in hand with everything that you could never be.
I like the alliteration in the first line. Alright ending.


Overall, I thought that this was really well-worded and painted a nice picture. I don't really have anything bad to say about it. Good job on this.