#1
Better titles welcome , desperate for critique

When I look before me what do I see?
Your eyes looking back, oh so lov - ingly
But I cannot return that stare like I could before
I don’t think I love you anymore

Maybe I could be wrong about us being one
But I cannot stand what our love has become
It seems what was love is now no more than lust
Should I do what I must or just give you more trust...


In that maybe one day you’ll change
You’ll see that love it more than making other people look at you strange
And you’ll see that love is more
Than when we’re on the floor, oh!


Well it’s over now and I really think it should
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe your love is more than any one’s would
Be and I’ll spend my days trying to fill the hole
I made for myself
Current Rig>>Jackson Phil Collin Signature Guitar/Ibanez Artcore>>>Modded Dunlop Crybaby>>>TS-9DXModded>>>Rat kit>>Octavia>>CE-20>>DD-7>>>Musicaman HD-120
#2
Quote by Quoteman

When I look before me what do I see?
Your eyes looking back, oh so lov - ingly
But I cannot return that stare like I could before
I don’t think I love you anymore

This wasn't bad... but definitely needs some tweaking. Its a bit cliche. You've used ideas and images that have all been used before... and honestly, I've read pieces with pretty much this same stanza in them before. The idea of no love and looking into the eyes of the one you once loved. It's been done a lot. Thus, it doesn't have quite the same impact that one would hope for. Also, AABB rhyme is weak. Sure, it helps the flow... but it also seems a bit like a cheap way out. But for what it is, I enjoyed this stanza, despite the cliches.

Maybe I could be wrong about us being one
But I cannot stand what our love has become
It seems what was love is now no more than lust
Should I do what I must or just give you more trust...

Glad to see you aren't going entirely straightforward rhymes... like the small slant between one and become. However, the first line seems to stumble upon itself. Like the wording just made it not have the impact it should. Seems like you re-worded it for the rhyme. I would like to see it condensed.... make it short but with a lot of kick, for instance I'd drop the "maybe" because 'could' implies a maybe. 3rd line: drop the 'now.' the internal rhyme in 4 is quite nice. Please punctuate it will help your flow a ton.

In that maybe one day you’ll change
You’ll see that love it more than making other people look at you strange
And you’ll see that love is more
Than when we’re on the floor, oh!

I hated this stanza... a lot. Line one, the wording is crap. Don't start with in unless you end the last line with something that allows for it. This is the first line of a new idea... so just re-word that all together if you don't drop this stanza. Line 2: WAY too long and wordy and it makes no sense to me at all. Seems like you might even be missing a word to make it make sense... which will make it even longer and more obnoxiously out of place. Line 3: So cliche that the eyes are bleeding. Line 4: mood ruiner. So far you've had this semi-serious piece... that is taking a look at someone who might not love someone anymore. Now this stanza is examining the other person... which I can by... don't like it, but whatever. Then you hit these last two and try to throw a cheap shot sex joke in there... and it just fails. It breaks the mood, isn't funny enough to justify the break of the mood, seems childish and ultimatly doesn't add anything constructive to the piece. If it were me, I'd dump this stanza and start over with it.

Well it’s over now and I really think it should
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe your love is more than any one’s would
Be and I’ll spend my days trying to fill the hole
I made for myself

Line 1: should end with a 'be.' Line 2: would what? don't present half ideas... which is something you've done consistently throughout the piece and is really bringing the piece down. Unless you are doing it artistically (which you aren't here) only giving the reader half of a thought it annoying and generally a put-off to your piece. Move the 'be' up to that line, drop the 'and'. Line 2 again seems too long and wordy though. condense... and make it more intense and it will have more impact.



This piece started out cliche, but promising. But it ended cliche and honestly starting to grate on my nerves. You have some nice ideas to take on a cliche topic in a more original way... but if you are going to do something like this (taking a cliche idea and making it "new") you are going to have to step up your style and wording... otherwise its gonna come off as another breakup song, which is the vibe I got here. The main things I notices outside of style and cliche is that you need to punctuate to help the reader read it with the right flow... and you need to condense your lines so that they aren't so long and wordy. Short can be better, because it can have more punch and allow for more stylistic writing.

Sorry if I came off as harsh, just being honest to help you improve as a writer. Don't take anything too perosnally.

Return the Critique? Bust a Move in my sig could use more comments.

peace and coconuts,

-zC
#3
Yay, constructive critique! Thank you, I'll be sure to look at some your of stuff, even if I'm really not qualified to say anything lol
Current Rig>>Jackson Phil Collin Signature Guitar/Ibanez Artcore>>>Modded Dunlop Crybaby>>>TS-9DXModded>>>Rat kit>>Octavia>>CE-20>>DD-7>>>Musicaman HD-120
#4
Hello!

Quote by Quoteman
Better titles welcome , desperate for critique

When I look before me what do I see?
Your eyes looking back, oh so lov - ingly
But I cannot return that stare like I could before
I don’t think I love you anymore
ehh, that felt like a bit of a nursery. You're going to have to vary the rhyme scheme a bit or try to introduce more interesting physical rhyming. Before/anymore = pretty naff. Remember, rhyming isn't bad. Rhyming is great. Just rhyming in the wrong place is terrible, and rhyme for the sake of rhyme and therefore at times sacrificing the content of the piece is disastrous. :eek. The last line was fairly cliché.


Maybe I could be wrong about us being one cliché
But I cannot stand what our love has become
It seems what was love is now no more than lust
Should I do what I must or just give you more trust...
the last two lines are an example of sacrificing content for rhyme. I didn't really like this stanza much. The problem so far has been that your talking about a fairly cliché theme, in a fairly standard way. You're going to need to innovate more or drastically change your writing style. Use more figures of speech. Metaphors, allusions, similes, personification, try to give your writing more substance.


In that maybe one day you’ll change
You’ll see that love it more than making other people look at you strangeline is much too long
And you’ll see that love is more
Than when we’re on the floor, oh!
The last lines made me smile. The first two made me cringe. The strange is a sacrifice of content for rhyme. Read it over and you'll see, that, even though both thoughts are connected, well, they don't really follow a logic order and just ruin the continuity of the piece.


Well it’s over now and I really think it should
Maybe I’m wrong, maybe your love is more than any one’s would
Be and I’ll spend my days trying to fill the hole
I made for myself


Well, surprisingly enough, the ending was kind of enjoyable. Try to rephrase it. I made for myself sounds a bit childish, or blunt. You can be blunt, but this isn't the time. You need to rethink the last two lines of that stanza. The second seems too long.


Overall, you are going to need to keep three things in check:

Forced unneeded rhyming.

Cliché topics.

Far too blunt and to the point writing.


In your next pieces just watch out for those and you'll see yourself improve.




https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=776335 <- take a look at it ?