#1
I wrote last year, i want honest feedback please...


I really need a rest, and I’m so messed up.
I cant work it out cause its an illusion,
It seems to be a trans of confusion.
Whoa! Whoa!
My mind is stuck in a black hole of useless thoughts.
I’m sick and tired of going this way,
Take me aboard, I cannot think today.
Whoa! Whoa!

Drain this crap from my head.
Pressure is building, say my name.
Please reset my mind, it is playing tricks on me.

Drain this crap from my head.
Take away insanity.
I was born to be free, the two sides of me.

I can’t stop running away, the world won’t stop chasing me.
I want to be like a normal human.
Have much fun and keep away from losing.
Whoa! Whoa!
Confused and abused, I don’t like the way that sounds.
Please tell me God where I am bound.
This world’s keeping me from being found.
Whoa! Whoa!

Drain this crap from my head.
Pressure is building, say my name.
Please reset my mind, it is playing tricks on me.

Drain this crap from my head.
Take away insanity.
I was born to be free, the two sides of me.

Drain this crap from my head.
Pressure is building, say my name.
Please reset my mind, it is playing tricks on me.

Drain this crap from my head.
Take away insanity.
I was born to be free, the two sides of me.

No one wants to be like me, be part of society.
I can’t think to a degree, what the hells wrong with me.
Whoa! Whoa!
#2

I really need a rest, and I’m so messed up.
I cant work it out cause its an illusion,
It seems to be a trans of confusion.
Whoa! Whoa!
My mind is stuck in a black hole of useless thoughts.
I’m sick and tired of going this way,
Take me aboard, I cannot think today.
Whoa! Whoa!
I would probably split this up into two stanzas after the first 'Whoa! Whoa'. Pretty strong opening but in the second line 'trans' should be 'trance'. The rhyming is alright but the flow doesn't seem to be that smooth.

Drain this crap from my head.
Pressure is building, say my name.
Please reset my mind, it is playing tricks on me.
I'm not sure if I like 'crap' in a song. Seems to take away from emotion. Otherwise, I like this stanza a lot.

Drain this crap from my head.
Take away insanity.
I was born to be free, the two sides of me.
Same thing about 'crap'. Surprisingly, the rhyme actually doesn't sound too forced. I don't really like rhyming the three words, though. Maybe change the word 'insanity' to something else.

I can’t stop running away, the world won’t stop chasing me.
I want to be like a normal human.
Have much fun and keep away from losing.
Whoa! Whoa!
Confused and abused, I don’t like the way that sounds.
Please tell me God where I am bound.
This world’s keeping me from being found.
Whoa! Whoa!
Split this into two stanzas. The first line sounds really good, the idea behind it is interesting but I don't like the two lines after it. Were you trying to do slant rhyme? If so, you were quite unsuccessful. If not, I still don't like them, maybe replace 'human' with 'person' and reword or redo the third line. Especially the 'Have much fun' part.

Drain this crap from my head.
Pressure is building, say my name.
Please reset my mind, it is playing tricks on me.

Drain this crap from my head.
Take away insanity.
I was born to be free, the two sides of me.

Drain this crap from my head.
Pressure is building, say my name.
Please reset my mind, it is playing tricks on me.

Drain this crap from my head.
Take away insanity.
I was born to be free, the two sides of me.

No one wants to be like me, be part of society.
I can’t think to a degree, what the hells wrong with me.
Whoa! Whoa!
A lot of internal rhyme here if you put it into only two lines. Seems like it should be split up into four though. Are you saying that no one wants to be part of society int he first line? I think they do.... Also, nice rhyming but aaaa is a little boring.


Good job, this was actually interesting. I'm just saying this stuff to help you so don't take any of it too hard. Hope this crit helps you become a better writer or at least improve this piece.