#1
This is one of my favourite songs of mine. unfortunately i think you have to hear it to really appreciate it. Here it is though:

You Kill

Spit Fire, Rip Through My Name
See Me, Do As Your Told
With Your Words, You Betray Me
This Ends, Low And Behold
You Betray Me
This Love And All

You Kill, You Lie
I’m Not Gonna Take It
This Ends Tonight
It’s Time To Die
Rip Through My Name
Fire Through My Veins

Kill Me, With Nothing To Gain
There’s No Point In Asking Why
After Time, I Feel No Pain
It’s Not My Turn To Die
You Betray Me
This Love And All

You Kill, You Lie
I’m Not Gonna Take It
This Ends Tonight
It’s Time To Die
Rip Through My Name
Fire Through My Veins

You Kill, You Lie
I’m Not Gonna Take It
This Ends Tonight
It’s Time To Die
Rip Through My Name
Fire Through My Veins
#2
This sounds alot like a pissed off teenager. It would probably work good as an angry metal-song or something. But, it's very repeating, and it doesn't say a whole much. Someone betrayed you? What did he/she do? etc. you could try writing in a way that hints that there is more in between the lines. We'll.. that's just me anyway. ^^
#4
Quote by **KwoN**


Spit Fire, Rip Through My Name
See Me, Do As Your Told
With Your Words, You Betray Me
This Ends, Low And Behold
You Betray Me
This Love And All

Just reading it, I dont think its got a good flow. But the way I had the song going in my head (since you said metal) I imagined two people singing (or screaming depending on your preference) this part and it sounding good.

You Kill, You Lie
I’m Not Gonna Take It
This Ends Tonight
It’s Time To Die
Rip Through My Name
Fire Through My Veins

With the music I am trying to put to this song it seems good. I was thinking of the first line being sung like normal and the second line being sung softer or by someone else entirely and the same for the last two lines. It's good, but not phenomenal.

Kill Me, With Nothing To Gain
There’s No Point In Asking Why
After Time, I Feel No Pain
It’s Not My Turn To Die
You Betray Me
This Love And All

This is hands down my favorite part of the song. The first 4 lines don't seem forced or anything, and it's great. The last two lines though dont seem to do much for this stanza. "This love and all" makes it just seem as if you're saying "this love and stuff". IMO "The love and life" may work out a little better.

You Kill, You Lie
I’m Not Gonna Take It
This Ends Tonight
It’s Time To Die
Rip Through My Name
Fire Through My Veins

You Kill, You Lie
I’m Not Gonna Take It
This Ends Tonight
It’s Time To Die
Rip Through My Name
Fire Through My Veins



It's a little rough, but I'm sure it would sound good with music(with the right music it could sound amazing). like atfeh said it didnt say much, but I think it works. I liked it.
#5
yeah man that's why i said up there you kinda have to hear it to really appreiciate it. the first verse was originally ten lines, like
Spit Fire,
Rip Through My Name
See Me
Do As You're Told

but i just paired them to save space on the piece of paper i wrote it on
so that might help you see you it kinda fits
but yeah thanks for the crit.
#9
oh well i'm not trying to impress anyone i can live with the capitalizing and ****
as long as the spelling is generally correct, i hate it when someone writes a song and post it where every second word is spelled wrong. and i hate band names with bad spelling. ugghhh...
wow that was random