#1
With the golden bowl the concubines shall surely drink tonight
all eyes fixed with prosperity and the finest plates;
the wives shall eat tonight.
in the hall i present to you servants, governors and noblemen
that our gods wouldn't let decrease but increase instead
let time become my increase and all the oppose torn limb to limb because I'm
king.


Number

Tell me what you've and it will be numbered
and it's by that, that you'll be kicked out of society
and stroked by your lovers, lovers of treachery
thrown away told to meet another city by then you would've known
that your kingdom is numbered.

'The dew tastes like wine at night'.

Weight


You weigh too little
i advise you to kill all your chefs
and hire lepers instead
drive away your fortunetellers
as they steal far too many apples
from your kingdom that has been blessed by the lord;
but while you go leave behind the golden throne and purple robes.

Division

Lets resume, many new nations will arise
from the broken remains of your empire
with a golden head, silver chest, bronze arms
and legs made from iron and clay
just watch him dissolve as that stone rolls over thee
on the day a new empire establishes which couldn't be shaken any more
than a mere man can.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 22, 2008,
#2
I really liked how you told the story . At some places I felt that you are deviating but u came back much more stronger than i was assuming . Your storytelling was awesome . I'll add more into this . I promise
Hi
#3
With the golden bowl the concubines shall surely drink tonight
all eyes fixed with prosperity and the finest plates;
the wives shall eat tonight.

Intro is little bit vague but increases curiosity.


in the hall i present to you servants, governors and noblemen

"Inside the Hall" maybe . rest is fine
that our gods wouldn't let decrease but increase instead
A little bit of rage there but Its a fact.
let time become my increase and all the oppose torn limb to limb because I'm
king.

Overall this stanza is just a set up for scene . The lack of punctuation is really killing the mood though . Periods and comma are missing and because of it the tone of the piece is really hard to judge.


Number

Tell me what you've and it will be numbered
and it's by that, that you'll be kicked out of society
and stroked by your lovers, lovers of treachery
thrown away told to meet another city by then you would've known
that your kingdom is numbered.

I liked the whole idea . Even though it's written in simple words it's really thought provoking . The whole image and idea is really appealing to me at least . The whole association of "Numbers" to the stanza was really good and creative in some strange sense.


'The dew tastes like wine at night'.

Nice

Weight


You weigh too little
i advise you to kill all your chefs
and higher lepers instead
drive away your fortunetellers
as they steal far too many apples
from your kingdom that has been blessed by the lord;
but while you go leave behind the golden throne and purple robes.

Division

Lets resume, many new nations will arise
from the broken remains of your empire
with a golden head, silver chest, bronze arms
and legs made from iron and clay
just watch him dissolve as that stone rolls over thee
on the day a new empire establishes which couldn't be shaken any more
than a mere man can.


Overall the whole piece is good . Its more of a story . The whole pace and tone of it is really good . the lack of punctuation is really killing it . The whole moral of the piece might not be unique but your take on it is completely refreshing.

I hope this helps .


Andy
Hi
#4
Thank you for your nice double crit abhishek21. But one of the reasons why i didn't put a lot of punctuation in this piece is because i kind of wanted it to read as a speech, a prophetic speech you might say. And all though it is more of a story than anything else, i agree, it's written in a poetic style because i wanted the piece to have more of an impact with the audience.

Thank you very much for taking the time to crit this piece and i do hope you understood it.
#5
Quote by Bleed Away
With the golden bowl the concubines shall surely drink tonight
all eyes fixed with prosperity and the finest plates;
the wives shall eat tonight.
in the hall i present to you servants, governors and noblemen
that our gods wouldn't let decrease but increase instead
let time become my increase and all the oppose torn limb to limb because I'm
king.


The intro stanza is quite delightful and sets the mood for the poem to follow. Nice.

Number

Tell me what you've and it will be numbered
and it's by that, that you'll be kicked out of society
and stroked by your lovers, lovers of treachery
thrown away told to meet another city by then you would've known
that your kingdom is numbered.

I would change "you've" to "you have" but either than that, it's all good.

'The dew tastes like wine at night'.

Weight


This solitary line makes me wonder what will happen next, and I can only have strong feelings that suggest this is very important to the rest of the poem.

You weigh too little
i advise you to kill all your chefs
and higher lepers instead
drive away your fortunetellers
as they steal far too many apples
from your kingdom that has been blessed by the lord;
but while you go leave behind the golden throne and purple robes.

"higher" should be "hire" but either than that, it's mint.

Division

Lets resume, many new nations will arise
from the broken remains of your empire
with a golden head, silver chest, bronze arms
and legs made from iron and clay
just watch him dissolve as that stone rolls over thee
on the day a new empire establishes which couldn't be shaken any more
than a mere man can.

Solid ending stanza. The last line is exceptional; it brings about a finality to the poem and leaves the reader with the satisfaction of reading a well put together poem instead of craving more. Real nice.


Overall, intensely good read. I really enjoyed your use of mathematical operations to describe the rise and fall of an empire. Really neat and original; never have seen it done. Good job.

Keep writing, I wish to read more. If I have time, I'll crit your other work.

Thanks,

Mark