#1
Written while banned. Not sure on ending. Not sure on other things. I'm sure you aren't either. c4c



I’m in love with a voice.
Cold, collected, calm
Yet effusive.
Swirling through the air
Escaping within sighs,
Strawberry mouth lined open,
Ever so softly.

I’m in love with voices.
All of the voices of all the poets,
Poets, whose hands would sigh
For their lips, those uneven lips
To busy trying to frown, lacking
Time, means or motives
To do anything better.

I’m in love with YOUR voice.
A reader’s voice!
You’ll be seeing frantic thoughts,
Running
down erratically, all
Over the
page, but
You’ll synthesise it
Into sorrow and it will all
Fit so perfectly.
Just like the sigh
Curving languidly off
your mouth’s cliff.

I’m in love with silence,
Too. Void of noise and disturbance,


I wish we’d all stop sighing.
#2
Quote by confusius


I’m in love with a voice.
Cold, collected, calm
Yet effusive.
Swirling through the air
Escaping within sighs,
Strawberry mouth lined open,
Ever so softly.
I don't really like the opening lines, and this whole stanza really. But I do like what you did with "Strawberry mouth line open ever so softly."

I’m in love with voices.
All of the voices of all the poets,
Poets, whose hands would sigh
For their lips, those uneven lips
To busy trying to frown, lacking
Time, means or motives
To do anything better.
This is so good, I love it. I'm glad to see it again.

I’m in love with YOUR voice.
A reader’s voice!
You’ll be seeing frantic thoughts,
Running
down erratically, all
Over the
page, but
You’ll synthesizefixed yo. it
Into sorrow and it will all
Fit so perfectly.
Just like the sigh
Curving languidly off
your mouth’s cliff.
I've said before I really don't like when lines are broken this way for what seems like no purpose to me. You could have done it to represent the "running down erratically" part though. And I'm not sure how the experience relates to the sigh, er...It's hard to word this, but it seems like you typed this instead of feeling it.

I’m in love with silence,
Too. Void of noise and disturbance,
I really like this too.

I wish we’d all stop sighing.


ok, that's what I think of everything.
#3
This was quite well written, all that bothered me about it was the line breaks and the ending. But otherwise quite good

Quote by confusius
Written while banned. Not sure on ending. Not sure on other things. I'm sure you aren't either. c4c



I’m in love with a voice.
Cold, collected, calm
Yet effusive.
Swirling through the air
Escaping within sighs,
Strawberry mouth lined open,
Ever so softly.
(I'm in love with whatever voice says the second line. That line is golden. Simple, with a twist. I basically just love this stanza as an opener, breathtaking. Well done, not much to add to it.)

I’m in love with voices.
All of the voices of all the poets,
Poets, whose hands would sigh
For their lips, those uneven lips
To busy trying to frown, lacking
Time, means or motives
To do anything better.
(This is well written, but I dont like it. I dont like the fact that its about a poet, because if you write a poem that makes you a poet right? And since you wrote this that makes you a poet. and if you are a poet than you are talking about yourself here right? you have to be, even if you dont mean to be. I think the poet thing makes it too obvious. Like I said well written I just hate when poems refer to poets in them, its like a love song saying "this is a love song for you" its unnecessary (still cant spell that word). So I say either take this stanza out or write a new one, that might just be me though.)

I’m in love with YOUR voice.
A reader’s voice!
You’ll be seeing frantic thoughts,
Running
down erratically, all
Over the
page, but
You’ll synthesise it
Into sorrow and it will all
Fit so perfectly.
Just like the sigh
Curving languidly off
your mouth’s cliff.
("all over the page" should all be one line, and then move the "but" into the next line. The line breaks bugged me the most about this, they break up the flow. Make them more even.)

I’m in love with silence,
Too. Void of noise and disturbance,
(Splendid, Nothing to fix here.)

I wish we’d all stop sighing.
(hated this, makes it seem to repetitive, you keep talking about voices sighing, and it gets annoying here. Youve already said it, you dont need too say it again. I say drop this line and make the previous one the ending line, than it leaves the reader thinking. that may just be me again though, im not sure.)


Overall, this was very well written, I just didnt like some of the ideas in it. The line breaks in the third stanza bugged me. And as ive already said I strongly disliked the ending, but other than those three things, it was alright, not great, but not bad either.

and thanks for the crit on mine
#5
Thanks guys...

Billy(if that's your real name ) the line breaks in the third stanza were intentional. They were meant to ruin the flow on purpose. Looks like I succeeded.
#6

I liked the line breaks. And I liked the ending too, so don't worry about that, man. This is good stuff.




love is a dog from hell.



#7
I think you could stand to be a bit more coy with your wording. Saying love and voice so many times kind of hurt an otherwise really good piece. I like the sort of transition you have from desiring sound to silence, but I think you need to reword a little bit so it doesn't become too repetative.
<(^_^< (>^_^)> <(^_^< OH YEAH! (>^_^)> <(^_^< (>^_^)>
#8
Quote by confusius
Thanks guys...

Billy(if that's your real name ) the line breaks in the third stanza were intentional. They were meant to ruin the flow on purpose. Looks like I succeeded.

Ahhh, I see now, then by all means ignore by d-bag comments on them haha

and yes Bill actually is my name
#10
welcome back sir.
umm this peice is quite above my skill level and i really just read it becuase i quite enjoy your writting.
first off, i didnt dislike the line breaks at all, they really make the reader slow down and almost stops them from blazing through it without thinking. i think it was used really well in this peice especially in the second stanze. chilling.
the ending is awsome. really ironic becuase when i read it i was like "the whole things about vooices but its called silence, clever" but then the ending hit me and did the whole peice justice.
in all honestly the only help i can give is that this line bugged me:
All of the voices of all the poets,
i read it over a couple times and imo either get rid of the word "of" or add another "of" before the poets. to me it sounds wierd having one "of" dunno.
overall im glad to have a unique writer such as yourself back and this is quite the peice to start off with.
if you dont mind looking at mine and leaving an opinion, or anything at all really.. its in my sig. thanks a million.
#11
Quote by confusius

Let's do this... LEEROY JENNNNKINS



I’m in love with a voice.
Cold, collected, calm
Yet effusive.
Swirling through the air
Escaping within sighs,
Strawberry mouth lined open,
Ever so softly.

I can see so many of your previous parts that didn't work in other piece here. They work now.

I didn't like how the penultimate line read though. Felt like it needed more punctuation to tell me how to read it. As it was, I stumbled over it which sort of ruins the last line too.


I’m in love with voices.
All of the voices of all the poets,
Poets, whose hands would sigh
For their lips, those uneven lips
To busy trying to frown, lacking
Time, means or motives
To do anything better.

Eh not as big of fan of this part. I mean, it was written well and had a few neat ideas... but it just didn't strike me well. Seemed.... cliche, even though it isn't. I don't know... it just didn't have that freshness about it that most good writing does. Not to say it isn't good... because it is, but it just left me wanting. The writing is superb, though.

I’m in love with YOUR voice.
A reader’s voice!
You’ll be seeing frantic thoughts,
Running
down erratically, all
Over the
page, but
You’ll synthesize it
Into sorrow and it will all
Fit so perfectly.
Just like the sigh
Curving languidly off
your mouth’s cliff.

I did like the line breaks... I just read it with an incredibly fast pace and it worked. synthesize has a 'z'. I would fix the caps... all of the last 6 lines don't need caps, that hurts your line break scheme a little. Also, I'm tired of mouth and lip references already. Eh, to me, they are some what repulsive. They sort of take away from the piece... its like zooming in on any body part is repulsive to me a bit... I can take it once or so... twice if done tastefully, but now its grating on my nerves. Probably just me though.

I’m in love with silence,
Too. Void of noise and disturbance,

Put the too on the first line... it ruins the effect and makes me think, WTF? weren't you just in love with voices...


I wish we’d all stop sighing.

I liked this line... but I'd say either pick this one or the above couple and end on one of them... both seems distracting. Either one could be a great counter-action to the piece with a nice twisty ending... but with both it just takes away the effect and both seem mediocre.


Not bad young grasshopper. Obviously, I don't feel it is perfected yet.. and I do have a few gripes. I enjoyed reading this for the most part... except the mouth references... they just bothered me.

Glad to see you back oh banned one.

Bust a Move (c4c)

-zC
#12
Hey.

I'm sort of in two minds with this. I like it in a way, for what it is, the language is simple yet not too bland, and it's structured pretty well, it's just Idk, it seems like it's lacking a bit of punch.

There are some really great lines here though, I really liked -

Just like the sigh
Curving languidly off
your mouth’s cliff.

I thought it sounded nice. Except for 'cliff'. Meh.

To busy trying to frown, lacking
Time, means or motives
To do anything better.

Just in the first line, shouldn't it be 'too' ?

There are a few bits that irk me, just the 'I'm in love with YOUR voice, a readers voice!'. Seemed sorta... weird. And desperate in a way...

I missed the point of the piece, I'm just struggling to relate to it or find a deeper meaning - that's probably just me though. I'm not really too keen on the topic either, but hey, personal opinion.

Thanks for the crit on mine. I might edit in a bit more later here, if I think of something relevant that hasn't been said already.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#13
Thanks for the crit on mine. Apologies for the delay in responding to that.

I think you and I have a different view on things, in that I am new to this so the problems of avoiding cliches are ones I am yet to get my head around. To this extent I didn't really follow or get the message you were trying to portray - but this is my reading of it I think my personal preference is for songs to have hidden depths, i.e. the more you think about it the more you understand and deeper you see what the writer was trying to convey. I got lost in some of the imagery you've captured, but I do like a lot of those images.

My comments will probably reflect our differing views

Quote by confusius
Written while banned. Not sure on ending. Not sure on other things. I'm sure you aren't either. c4c



I’m in love with a voice.
Cold, collected, calm
Yet effusive.
Swirling through the air
Escaping within sighs,
Strawberry mouth lined open,
Ever so softly.

I’m in love with voices.
All of the voices of all the poets,
Poets, whose hands would sigh
For their lips, those uneven lips
To busy trying to frown, lacking
Time, means or motives
To do anything better.

I got lost somewhere in here. Perhaps a rhetorical question, but wouldn't a poet's voice be their words - maybe that's your point though

I’m in love with YOUR voice.
A reader’s voice!
You’ll be seeing frantic thoughts, I like this line and the flow of the following lines as it ups the tempo.
Running
down erratically, all
Over the
page, but
You’ll synthesise it
Into sorrow and it will all I can't decide if you are being critical or praising the reader with these two lines
Fit so perfectly.
Just like the sigh
Curving languidly off
your mouth’s cliff. As others have said 'cliff' sounds wrong, but I am devoid of alternatives.

I’m in love with silence,
Too. Void of noise and disturbance,


I wish we’d all stop sighing. I wouldn't have separated this final line from the previous two.
#14
"I’m in love with YOUR voice." - I didn't like this line. It seemed kind of obvious as soon as i had read it, which may sound strange but prior to this line everything seemed fresh.

I'm not sure if that was a very good explanation, but aside from that line, i quite liked the rest.

On the whole it was refreshing and portrayed thoughts and feelings i have certainly shared as i'm sure many millions of others have have at some point too. Nice.
#15
I’m in love with a voice.
Cold, collected, calm
Yet effusive.
Swirling through the air
Escaping within sighs,
Strawberry mouth lined open,
Ever so softly.

i love the imagery and the flow of this verse. the vocabulary is very good as well

I’m in love with voices.
All of the voices of all the poets,
Poets, whose hands would sigh
For their lips, those uneven lips
To busy trying to frown, lacking
Time, means or motives
To do anything better.

i like the repitition in the first line and the fifth line of this stanza/verse

I’m in love with YOUR voice.
A reader’s voice!
You’ll be seeing frantic thoughts,
Running
down erratically, all
Over the
page, but
You’ll synthesise it
Into sorrow and it will all
Fit so perfectly.
Just like the sigh
Curving languidly off
your mouth’s cliff.

this is my least favorite verse, the flow seems jolty and messed up

I’m in love with silence,
Too. Void of noise and disturbance,

i really like the contrast between being in love with sound and then silence

I wish we’d all stop sighing.

good strong finish


this is a very good piece. the only thing that i would change about it is the third verse/stanza because it seems as though it lacks flow. otherwise it was good. good imagery, good vocabulary, good repitition.

could u crit one of mine?
#16
I really didnt like this.

Some stanzas were alright, but the progression was counterproductive.

I'll be back to explain.

The sigh-mouth thing was ace though. Just not in context...
#17
"all of the voices of all of the poets" would read more poetically. and then drop poets from the next line.

just an idea.

I loved the start of that third stanza, with the exclamation mark, it actually gave this some personality which is usually lacking in your writing (which is, of course, great writing, but sometimes it looks like you don't really care about the idea as much as you do the poetic presentation, which is frustrating for a reader of course - who generally is more interested with the idea conciously, and the poetic presentation sub-conciously, or something....i'm tired)

Anyway, I'm free from those brackets and free from this post.

Good work, confus.