#1
Dear Diary, I killed My Ex-Girlfriend
If loneliness would just walk away like you did,
Maybe these candles would melt for a reason,
If only the rain would stop like your love did,
Maybe there'd be a change in season,
Just like a child's innocence,
Your love for me has to end,
Just like a boring story,
I will soon be forgotten,
Please let this be a sick twisted joke,
Please let these words you have spoke,
Be nothing but a sick twisted joke,

Dear Diary,
Today I was done,
Today she had won,
Dear Diary,
Today I know why,
Today she didn’t lie,
Dear Diary,

Look at the distorted story,
Of a tale so sickly sweet yet gory,
The lifeless feel you have left behind,
A hidden ending you didn’t find,
If you have to go away slow down the pace,
Before you go let me feel your warm embrace,

Dear Diary,
Today I was done,
Today she had won,
Dear Diary,
Today I know why,
Today she didn’t lie,
Dear Diary,

Deepened hate,
I'm so sorry,
Moonlit blade,
Please forgive me,
Maybe this will persuade you,
To at least say goodbye first,
But now I have been cured of my blood thirst,

I've been reading through some of my songs then I came across this one and decided to repost it with the new edited lyrics.
#2
Quote by tripperkid
Dear Diary, I killed My Ex-Girlfriend
If loneliness would just walk away like you did,
Maybe these candles would melt for a reason,
If only the rain would stop like your love did,
Maybe there'd be a change in season,
Just like a child's innocence,
Your love for me has to end,
Just like a boring story,
I will soon be forgotten,
Please let this be a sick twisted joke,
Please let these words you have spoke,
Be nothing but a sick twisted joke,

I liked this, it flowed well.

Dear Diary,
Today I was done,
Today she had won,
Dear Diary,
Today I know why,
Today she didn’t lie,
Dear Diary,

The "Today I was done" sounds really forced and awkward, like it was there just to rhyme with "Today she had won." Otherwise, not bad.

Look at the distorted story,
Of a tale so sickly sweet yet gory,
The lifeless feel you have left behind,
A hidden ending you didn’t find,
If you have to go away slow down the pace,
Before you go let me feel your warm embrace,

The second line is really bad. It sounds so forced for rhyme. "Gory" isn't a word that I'd say would fit well with this song. Remember, rhyme isn't needed, a good flow is more important. Same goes for the last two lines. The last line has too many syllables.

Dear Diary,
Today I was done,
Today she had won,
Dear Diary,
Today I know why,
Today she didn’t lie,
Dear Diary,

Deepened hate,
I'm so sorry,
Moonlit blade,
Please forgive me,
Maybe this will persuade you,
To at least say goodbye first,
But now I have been cured of my blood thirst,

What exactly is a moonlit blade? Or is that the knife you used to kill her? If so, that line, while fitting with the story of the song, could go better at a different point in the song. And please do something with the last line, it reeks of forced rhyme in the worst way.

I've been reading through some of my songs then I came across this one and decided to repost it with the new edited lyrics.



Overall, not too bad. Change around a few things, and I'd love to see the finished product. Love and Murder, whoot?
#4

Dear Diary, I killed My Ex-Girlfriend
If loneliness would just walk away like you did,
Maybe these candles would melt for a reason,
If only the rain would stop like your love did,
Maybe there'd be a change in season,
Just like a child's innocence,
Your love for me has to end,
Just like a boring story,
I will soon be forgotten,
Please let this be a sick twisted joke,
Please let these words you have spoke,
Be nothing but a sick twisted joke,
The first two lines sound really nice but it doesn't really make much sense. I like the idea you have going here, comparing something to 'her'. The rest of the stanza after the fourth line is a little bland, wording-wise. For example, I'm sure you could think of something that's more emotive that 'boring' in the seventh line. Also, it doesn't seem to flow that well and 'spoke' in the second to last line should be 'spoken' if you want it to make sense.

Dear Diary,
Today I was done,
Today she had won,
Dear Diary,
Today I know why,
Today she didn’t lie,
Dear Diary,
I don't really like how you keep repeating 'today' and 'Dear Diary'. Without any music it seems a little strange. Rhyming is a little bland here.

Look at the distorted story,
Of a tale so sickly sweet yet gory,
The lifeless feel you have left behind,
A hidden ending you didn’t find,
If you have to go away slow down the pace,
Before you go let me feel your warm embrace,
I like the first line, the kind of internal rhyme, but I would change 'the' to 'this'. I think it would sound a lot better and it would also add a little extra internal rhyme (THIS, DIStorted). Definitely, without a doubt, change 'yet gory'. It just sounds like you put it there to rhyme. In the third line, maybe change 'feel' to 'feeling'. There's really nice flow and rhythm in this stanza. Much better than the others. Don't quite like the last two lines though.

Dear Diary,
Today I was done,
Today she had won,
Dear Diary,
Today I know why,
Today she didn’t lie,
Dear Diary,

Deepened hate,
I'm so sorry,
Moonlit blade,
Please forgive me,
Maybe this will persuade you,
To at least say goodbye first,
But now I have been cured of my blood thirst,
I don't really like this ending. The first four lines are okay but the fifth breaks the flow, the sixth doesn't really make sense with the story you're trying to tell, and the seventh has extremely forced rhyme and way too many syllables.


Altogether I thought that this had a really good idea behind it. I think it needs a little work and I don't really like the chorus, but there are some parts in here that are really wonderful. Don't take any of the stuff I said too hard. I hope this helped you. Good job and don't stop writing.
#5
The first stanza was really the only one I would keep. The refrain looks like if you reworded it it would work well, but the other two stanzas need some serious work in my opinion. The lines seem way too forced.
<(^_^< (>^_^)> <(^_^< OH YEAH! (>^_^)> <(^_^< (>^_^)>
#6
thanks for the crits guys um i agree with the forced rhyming because i was in a rush to finish but um if i were to fix again I'll spend more time on it.