#1
c4c

paper masks with drawn on smiles

big bang, alcohol supernova and a confetti shower.
screaming, laughing, shutter lens snapping,
‘click, flash. click, flash’.
white dress dancing a slow waltz, slow song.
bright eyes, bright lips, hands tracing patterns over hips.
whisper, whisper, ‘oh, i’ll love you forever’
and ever and ever and ever
and screaming through a window in a twelfth floor apartment.
tearing at a calendar.
drowning in ink-soaked paper.
sweet nothings mean nothing.
forever and ever.
bloodied fingers tainting mascara waterfalls.
clutching at bare knuckles.
dancing.
new dance.
jumping and yelling.
a portrait in a frame.
painting left the page.
white dress, falling.


It is centred for aesthetic reasons only, don't bother mentioning it. It's supposed to read fast and sound rushed.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#2
Quote by Snowblind 911
c4c

paper masks with drawn on smiles

big bang, alcohol supernova and a confetti shower.that's a nice start
screaming, laughing, shutter lens snapping,
‘click, flash. click, flash’.Good.
white dress dancing a slow waltz, slow song.better
bright eyes, bright lips, hands tracing patterns over hips.alright
whisper, whisper, ‘oh, i’ll love you forever’
and ever and ever and everdreadful.
and screaming through a window in a twelfth floor apartment.
tearing at a calendar.goooooood
drowning in ink-soaked paper.ink after in = really hard to read out loud
sweet nothings mean nothing.they don't?!
forever and ever.get rid of.
bloodied fingers tainting mascara waterfalls.brilliant
clutching at bare knuckles.
dancing.
new dance.
jumping and yelling.
a portrait in a frame.
painting left the page.
white dress, falling.
That's a goooood ending you got there.


It is centred for aesthetic reasons only, don't bother mentioning it. It's supposed to read fast and sound rushed.


Right, so what do I think of this? I thought you ruined a potentially great piece. The I'll love you for ever and ever and ever was so cliché it wasn't even amusing. The fact you repeated it later on made it worse.

Another problem I had was that this was like you took a film reel and only played every 3 or 4 frames. The whole thing is so fragmented. Related? Yeah, I can see connections. Did it make sense? Not much imho.

Good things. You're lucky you can write, or else this would have been bad times infinity, but since you can write, you made some of this really really good. There are some lines in here that are just perfect. Why have a piece scattered with one liners?

I think you should have revised this a slight bit more so you could have eliminated a few more of the bad lines and added some good ones before posting. See the problem is that you want a piece that doesn't feel like a few good lines connected by bull**** but a piece that's one good line connected by brilliance.

I don't mean one line literally. You can use full stops and such. But the piece must feel as a whole. A good whole.


Do mine please? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?goto=newpost&t=776335


Sorry if this was two inches too harsh.
#3
I disagree with Kyrl. I didn't think the 'i'll love you for ever' was 'so cliché it wasn't even amusing.' It fits in the piece and it doesn't feel like a cliché line at all. Also, this made quite a lot of sense to me and I could see the connections. I enjoyed this piece. It's not 'a few good lines connected by bull****'. It's a solid piece, which might need some works here and there, but it's good nonetheless. I might come back to this to give it a line per line crit.
#4
Thanks. I'll get to yours in the morning.

The 'ever and ever and ever' thing was supposed to be cliche. It was an attempt at being sarcastic/ironic and I obviously didn't pull it off.

I really appreciate the pointers though. I wasn't sure on this piece, i'm trying to find myself again, i've lost the person that brought me inspiration, so yeah, it's tough trying to get back into writing.

But that 'ever and ever' thing, isn't supposed to be poetic or original at all. It was intentionally extremely cliche, to point out the stupidity of the phrase, and to make it stand out as being ridiculous.

Once again, thanks. I'll get to yours by tomorrow. I promise.

EDIT: And thanks phantom, *shame* i've forgotten your name. I look forward to hopefully getting a line by liner off you. Don't feel obliged to by any means though.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Feb 2, 2008,
#6
I never said it wasn't good Joris(that's his name ), I was just trying to make sure he knew it could be much better.
#7
paper masks with drawn on smiles

big bang, alcohol supernova and a confetti shower.
screaming, laughing, shutter lens snapping,
‘click, flash. click, flash’.

As a intro it was really good a little bit descriptive but I thought it explained the scene very well.

white dress dancing a slow waltz, slow song.
bright eyes, bright lips, hands tracing patterns over hips.
whisper, whisper, ‘oh, i’ll love you forever’
and ever and ever and ever

I didn't liked the whole bit of "and ever and ever" . Replace it with some other love quote but just modify it little bit more to make it more sarcastic. Also "whisper whisper" just play some sort of a wordplay in it like "choreographed whispers :

"Oh ,I'll love you
I promise
If you're alive . I'll always love you "

just a thought




and screaming through a window in a twelfth floor apartment.
tearing at a calendar.
drowning in ink-soaked paper.
sweet nothings mean nothing.
forever and ever.

I didn't liked this . I don't know why but I liked "sweet nothings mean nothing."

bloodied fingers tainting mascara waterfalls.
clutching at bare knuckles.
dancing.
new dance.
jumping and yelling.
a portrait in a frame.
painting left the page.
white dress, falling.

ending was little abrupt but no big deal.

Overall this piece was stronger than your last one .
Hi
#8
I have to agree with confucius about the subject. You did a really good job of writing this but the subject just seemed lame to me. I personally thing the fragmenting worked just fine though. Perhaps a little flair could make the subject seem a bit less cliche, but I don't know. I did notice the rushed quality to it which was actually pretty cool. The whole pacing was very well done.
<(^_^< (>^_^)> <(^_^< OH YEAH! (>^_^)> <(^_^< (>^_^)>
#10
You lost the rhyme towards the end/middle and that made me like the piece that much less. Also the repetition of ever and ever. Not because of the idea, but just cause it sounded bad where you put it.

I liked it though.