Page 1 of 7
#1
Seriously, I'm pretty bored, just read the funniest question by a girl (or something like that) thread and now I need entertaining. My one isn't that good, but once, my mom kept nagging my dad about puttin **** away, and she was like " are you done with the mustard?", and he was like "yeah", and put it back. Then she asked "Are you done with the relish?", and he was like "yeah", and put it back. Finally, she asked "Are you done with your empty coke can?" and he stood up and yelled "For christ's sake Debbie, no, I'm keeping it as a goddamn pice of art! What do you think?!" She shut up.
Last edited by Pat_s1t at Jul 6, 2008,
#3
Eating at a Japanese Sushi resteraunt (in Boston).

Me: We need more Saki.
Dad (jokingly): Hey Nagi, Get me some Saki!
(Waiter walks by just then, scowls; drunken laughter ensues)
#4
Quote by Horizon FR-II
My mom never caught the irony in calling me a "son of a bitch"


+1 Except my mom calls me that in Spanish. She also says you're momma! in Spanish as well... *sigh* I just say it right back though hehe.
#6
as i was walking out the door last weekend, my dad said, "have fun. drive fast and swerve"
Quote by davo_333
if your gonna play james blunt you might as well put a capo on your balls.

Quote by RockFreak000
What is this "porn" you all talk about, is it some sort of fruit ?

1 of 4 of UG's dispatch fans
#7
While driving:
Mom: "Woooow, look how amazingly black that guy over there is!"
(Shes not racist or anything)
#8
Quote by Horizon FR-II
My mom never caught the irony in calling me a "son of a bitch"


Same here, except it's with bastard. :p

The funniest thing my dad has ever said was like 3 years ago. I was in my room, sitting at my desk on the computer, of course, I had no clothes on and I had an itch, so I was looking down while scratching my leg and my dad walks in. He takes one look at me and goes, 'Watch where you're aiming that thing, you'll go blind.'


I thought I'd die of pure embarrassment.
Quote by zgr0826
My culture is worthless and absolutely inferior to the almighty Leaf.


Quote by JustRooster
I incurred the wrath of the Association of White Knights. Specifically the Parent's Basement branch of service.
#9
not the funniest
but the most stupid fu/cking thing ever.

my dumb fu.cking step-dad says

"If you were sorry you wouldn't have done it"


WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT????????????????

#10
My mom once compared me to Helen Keller in the sense that I don't pay attention to my surroundings and apparently I'm incoherent too.
#11
The only things my parents say that are funny nobody would understand unless you'd met them but they make me crack up, especially my dad. We were swimming in the sea in Spain and some seriously black folks walked past and he was like whoah look (no racism, they were just like black like night), then the other day at the cinema some dude drove infront of us in a car and totally ignored us and my dad was just like '...Dickhead'
#12
"I guess stupidity runs in the family."

She was trying to make me feel bad.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
Follow me on Twitter
#13
one time, we were watching a hockey game on tv, and it was in nashville, and
i said, at the anthem singer"she's flat"
my dad says"so is her voice"
Quote by djmay71
OMG

eddievh2, you are a genuis, and true man of action


damn right

Quote by Zugunruhe

or else, how good are you at drawing penises?


lulz
#14
My parents aren't exactly the brightest crayons in the box. I guess that could say something about me.
But anyway, in like the seventh grade, we went on a field trip to the state park and my dad was an escort. There was this boy who was teasing me (just jokingly, not meaning any harm). And so my dad hung him upside down on a tree. When the teacher was like my dad goes "Well, he was being an asshole".

He got banned form coming on school trips again.
#15
We were backing out of a parking lot in the dark and almost hit a family of african americans, my mom proceeded to say "Goddammit those people need to wear reflectors"

Also, my dad caught me in bed with my girlfriend (Pants still mostly on, not fully in the act) and when I pulled my jeans up and got out of bed, my dick was still kinda hangin out. When he lectured me the next day, he told me how disrespectful it is to "Jump out of that bed with your weenie hangin out" When he said weenie I just laughed.

EDIT:
Quote by eddievh2
one time, we were watching a hockey game on tv, and it was in nashville, and
i said, at the anthem singer"she's flat"
my dad says"so is her voice"


#17
I can't remember the funniest thing my parents have said because they're both hilarious, but I'll try and get back to yous.
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#18
This one's about my friend's dad.

I had just come back from the store with a buddy of mine, and he'd gotten this shirt that said "it seemed like a good idea at the time" on the front. When he showed his dad, he said "yeah...that's what we said about having you."
Gunpowder: FUCKING ROCKS!!!
Quote by The Madcap
[witty set-up]
Gunpowder FUCKING ROCKS!!!!!

Quote by Kensai

Gunpowder you fucking rock!!

Quote by Dirge Humani
Now I can say, with sufficient certainly, that you, Gunpowder...

FUCK ROCKS!
#19
Quote by H4T3BR33D3R
Same here, except it's with bastard. :p

The funniest thing my dad has ever said was like 3 years ago. I was in my room, sitting at my desk on the computer, of course, I had no clothes on and I had an itch, so I was looking down while scratching my leg and my dad walks in. He takes one look at me and goes, 'Watch where you're aiming that thing, you'll go blind.'


I thought I'd die of pure embarrassment.

Are you often not wearing clothes with your parents in the room?
#20
We were driving home and my dad was talking about accents. Since we live in Hawaii, he was all like 'Hey guise, you have very nice beeches (beaches) here!'
Quote by Durell, spelt like Derrell but pronounced Durell
Can I get yo beautiful ass numba?
#21
Quote by Phil_Bass_Boy
We were driving home and my dad was talking about accents. Since we live in Hawaii, he was all like 'Hey guise, you have very nice beeches (beaches) here!'


Quote by Phil_Bass_Boy's info
Location: Montréal, Canada


....eh?
#22
I forgot to change the location. I registered to UG when we were still living there.
Quote by Durell, spelt like Derrell but pronounced Durell
Can I get yo beautiful ass numba?
#23
Quote by Gunpowder
This one's about my friend's dad.

I had just come back from the store with a buddy of mine, and he'd gotten this shirt that said "it seemed like a good idea at the time" on the front. When he showed his dad, he said "yeah...that's what we said about having you."


lmao pwnt
We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.
Jim Morrison
#24
Also, my mom said 'Hey, I'm going to take your younger sister out to Jamba juice, she brought home some good finals.'

And then I said 'Great. What did she get? I never got anything for good finals! What would I have gotten?'

- 'Half a french frie <_<'
Quote by Durell, spelt like Derrell but pronounced Durell
Can I get yo beautiful ass numba?
#25
most of the funny things they say are completly racist. we were playing catch phrase and the word was 'slave' so my brother said they were opressed and sold for money and my mom yells "******!!!" she not racist she was just a little tipsy.
#26
We were sitting down for dinner one night, conversation ensues:

*Mom get ups to get more mashed potatoes*
*Dad is reading a book at the dinner table, as he often does.*

M: "We have plenty of potatoes left, do you two want any?"
Me: "I'm fine."
D: ".... *reading intently*"
M: " How about you? We have plenty of potatoes left. Hello? Hellooooooo? Hello-hello-hello? More potatoes! Plenty of potatoes, do you want some? HELLO!! POTATOES! DO YOU WANT POTATOES?! POTATOES! POTATOES!"
D: "..... *still reading*"
M: "Fine, you can get them yourself." *Sits down at table*
D: *looks up* "Do we have any more potatoes?"
Is it a bad thing if one of your testicles is larger then the other two?
#28
my dad walked into the bathroom right aftrer my grandma used it , and she had sprayed some peach scent smell. hes goes "mom it smells like someone **** a peach tree!"
#29
Quote by Jackintehbox
Are you often not wearing clothes with your parents in the room?


Of course. I love danger.
Quote by zgr0826
My culture is worthless and absolutely inferior to the almighty Leaf.


Quote by JustRooster
I incurred the wrath of the Association of White Knights. Specifically the Parent's Basement branch of service.
#30
My mom is known for messing up lyrics, common phrases, etc, usually on purpose but sometimes just because she legitimately forgets. So one time I was messing with her and I said something that was an obvious lie and she went "Liar, liar...your...eyeballs are gonna fall out of your head!!!" And one time she got mad enough to toss her slipper at me but of course missed, so she tossed the other one and missed and I started laughing and she went "Stand still, ya little shit!" and then we both laughed which just defused the situation.

My dad has a lot of funny things he says but when he realizes we find it funny he says it way too much and drives it into the ground so he kills the humor it once had.
Quote by Douche ©
I may not be cool off the internet, but on the internet I am pretty cool.

Aww

The Pit Cliff Notes:
Quote by SOADfreak6
myabe we all suck thats why were sitting at a computer desk talking **** thro the enternet lol


If not all of us, at least him.

<//////>~
#31
Quote by kyle_afi
My dad called my mom a dip-ass once. Not sure what it meant.



Your dad's still dipping it in your mom's ass.
Co-President of UG's Tubgirl Virgins Club

#32
I was describing emo people to my Dad over dinner once. When I was he done, he said," So wait, are these guys gay?"
Fender MIA Telecaster with DiMarzio noiseless single coils
-Fulltone OCD
-Ibanez Analog Delay
-Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Fender Blues Junior
Fender MIM Jazz Bass with Noiseless pickups
Mesa Walkabout
Epiphone AC200SCE Acoustic
#33
Quote by Schmidty8890
I was describing emo people to my Dad over dinner once. When I was he done, he said," So wait, are these guys gay?"




My dad said one time, "We only have a few rules in the house (i forgot the first two ), and NO FAT CHICKS." I laughed, but my Mom just stared at him with a disappointed face. It was funny.
I can honestly say I have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.


I don't always post on UG, but when I do, I post in the Pit. Stay thirsty my friends.
#34
someone I know quoted his dad as saying: now "john", when you pee in the urinals, make sure not to shake your ... more than 3 times as that constitutes to a wank.
#35
Yesterday, my dad walked in (both of my parents are deeply, hardcore religious) and whispered, "Don't tell your mom this! You know how girls these days are wearing shorter and shorter skirts? Well I just thought..."

I looked at him like O.o cause he never talks like that, then suddenly he says,

"Shorter skirts these days, two more cheeks to powder, one more spot to shave!"

I died laughing. I've never heard my dad talk like that before. He normally pretends that sex doesn't exist.
Quote by Les_Frederiksen
PlayMadness, you give me hope for mankind.

Quote by Darksucker
PlayMadness - Jesus 2.0

Quote by genghisgandhi
Society's doing great. There's a rise of people like PlayMadness. I feel pretty good about the way things are going.
#37
My dad made a sex joke to one of my friends, it was only funny though how unexpected it was, we were talking about Japanese toilets and my dad said they gave good "blowjobs", not as in sex but as in how the blow air..... very funny. I rofled.
#38
Lmao my mom says soooo many stupid things but I cant remember them

I do remember we were at a Mexican resteruant and she leaned over and whispered "have you noticed there are so many Mexicans here!?"
YELLOWFRIZBEE s FreezerBurn


Stepco's Master
|Colowomble 2016|PSN=yellowfrizbee| + UG Community Radio|
#39
my dad on the topic of women/vagina's


"dont trust something that can bleed for a week and not die"


i ****ing died laughing
Quote by The Leader
You know what they found in Jeffrey Dahmers freezer?
...Ben and Jerry (ba dum bum psh)


Quote by ninemonthmedia
if there was a metal jail, Metallica would be Pantera’s bitch



RIP Kurt Cobain
RIP Dimebag Darrell
Burn in hell Nathan Gale
#40
We were at a restaurant, and my headteacher walked in. So I said, as you do, "what's he doing here?"
And my dad, ever the genius, said "well maybe he's hungry."

I lol'd x10000.
R E G G A E