#1
This is just a first draft at the moment. There's a bit of rhyming I need to insert and more ideas to put in at a later date. But the basic plot is there.


Boys of blood dance in the moonlight.
Bathed in crimson, they feed their delight.
A new world order, and the rest is history.
They need a place to stay
from the storm to come.

They took their possessions and ran
as fast as their legs could move.
All they need above their head is a roof.
They need a place to stay
from the storm to come.

Hiding in a porch, they knocked on the door.
The maid, meanwhile, was busy brushing the floor.
She put down her brush and lifted the latch.
“We need a place to stay
from the storm to come.”

The maid, she did ponder,
and to the sky she looked in wonder
at the sky with stars full, like gems.
“No need for a place to stay.
No storm will come.”

They pleaded and they begged to her,
but she took no notice of boys in blood
kneeling on the steps.
They need a place to stay
from the storm to come.

They stood together for a moment or two.
They deliberated about exactly what to do.
Then one took of his backpack and smiled.
They need a place to stay
from the storm to come.

Out of the bags, they pulled a pistol each.
This will show that unwelcome bitch.
The walls ran red, like the boys of blood.
They need a place to stay
from the storm to come
#2
That's a depressing song... it's okay but it is pretty long..... I don't know how you're going to put the music in or anything so I can't really say anything about changes
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Super epic win. I love you now
Made siggable

Nice. now I'll be suing you.
#3
Boys of blood dance in the moonlight.
Bathed in crimson, they feed their delight.
A new world order, and the rest is history.
They need a place to stay
from the storm to come.

good verso but i dont understand the last line. do you mean when the storm comes?

They took their possessions and ran
as fast as their legs could move.
All they need above their head is a roof.
They need a place to stay
from the storm to come.

another good verse. i like the repitition

Hiding in a porch, they knocked on the door.
The maid, meanwhile, was busy brushing the floor.
She put down her brush and lifted the latch.
“We need a place to stay
from the storm to come.”

i dont understand the "hiding in a porch" bit

The maid, she did ponder,
and to the sky she looked in wonder
at the sky with stars full, like gems.
“No need for a place to stay.
No storm will come.”

good solid verse in my opinion

They pleaded and they begged to her,
but she took no notice of boys in blood
kneeling on the steps.
They need a place to stay
from the storm to come.


They stood together for a moment or two.
They deliberated about exactly what to do.
Then one took of his backpack and smiled.
They need a place to stay
from the storm to come.

okay, thats enough repitition

Out of the bags, they pulled a pistol each.
This will show that unwelcome bitch.
The walls ran red, like the boys of blood.
They need a place to stay
from the storm to come

good overall. i think that this would make for a better poem than song. it seems like it would make a very long, repetitive song. otherwise, very good
#4
Adhering to the rhyme scheme, "span" could replace 'move' here.

They took their possessions and ran
as fast as their legs could span.


The mention of backpack really killed the mood for me, the language the tone everything was sounding very archaic but that just ruined it all for me. I implore you to change that to anything less modern.

Out of the bags, they pulled a pistol each.
This will show that unwelcome bitch.


I want to read "unwelcoming" there, this way implies she is the unwelcome one, and even if that is a deliberate alteration it doesn't work for me, it just slowed the rhythm down too much, which for the most part - previously tainted by the lengthy "The maid, meanwhile, was busy brushing the floor." - was flawless.

This is a good basis, I'd like to see this polished up a bit as it would be another concise and inventive story-piece to add to your collection. Which is STILL undervalued. If only you'd critique more - I know you don't like to - you'd get far more attention and more importantly, advice.


If you can put your pen down, I'd appreciate a comment on my short story - One in a Million Dead.

peACE man.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.