#1
Crit for crit. I'm experimenting with a new lyrical style here, not sure if it's better or worse than my old one, I concentrated more on story and flow rather than imagery and metaphors. All comments will be greatly appreciated. Hope you enjoy.

The cold world of vanity

Verse 1

I woke up in a hostile place
Looked at my watch, the hands were gone
Just an eerie silver face
Staring menacingly back at me
The darkness felt so thick and strong
Like the static on TV
I stumbled round with no clothes on
I found a strange old mirror
Realised where I’d come to be

Chorus

This old mirror is a portal
To the cold world of vanity
Where image is everything
Oh why can’t you see
This isn’t where I want to be

Verse 2

People fixed their hair and looked inside
I swear I saw inside their minds
Suddenly they weren’t so pretty
As they were portrayed to be
I realised then what I had found
A new form of enlightenment
Well I guess it’s new to me…
The fear had left, replaced by joy
I looked inside my tired mind
A mirror image stared back at me
I realised I was beautiful


Chorus

This old mirror is a portal
To the cold world of vanity
Where image is everything
Oh why can’t you see
This isn’t where I want to be
#2

The cold world of vanity

Verse 1

I woke up in a hostile place
Looked at my watch, the hands were gone
Just an eerie silver face
Staring menacingly back at me
The darkness felt so thick and strong
Like the static on TV
I stumbled round with no clothes on
I found a strange old mirror
Realised where I’d come to be
The first three lines have a really nice flow and the rhyming sounds excellent and natural. The fourth line, though, breaks up the flow, maybe changing 'menacingly' to something with one less syllable would help. Sorry, can't really think of a replacement word right now. It feels like that last line might just be there for rhyme and makes it just a little too long. I would just take that out. I like this as an opening stanza though, strong rhythm and nice wording.

Chorus

This old mirror is a portal
To the cold world of vanity
Where image is everything
Oh why can’t you see
This isn’t where I want to be
The first two lines have a pretty smooth flow but then the last three, I don't really like. I'd say, 'Take out the last line' but then it wouldn't make sense and I'd say, 'Take out the fourth line' but then the last line still has too many syllables. Not really sure what to change, just something in those last three lines.

Verse 2

People fixed their hair and looked inside
I swear I saw inside their minds
Suddenly they weren’t so pretty
As they were portrayed to be
I realised then what I had found
A new form of enlightenment
Well I guess it’s new to me…
The fear had left, replaced by joy
I looked inside my tired mind
A mirror image stared back at me
I realised I was beautiful
Think of a different word instead of 'inside' because when you use it the second time, they're just too close together. But as I read it the second time, I think I kind of like it because it has the nice alliteration. Maybe change the first 'inside'. For flow, I would take out 'then' in the fifth line. Half-way through, the flow is a little lost, it just becomes a bunch of words and I find it difficult to concentrate on the meaning because I'm trying to find how the word fit together.


Chorus

This old mirror is a portal
To the cold world of vanity
Where image is everything
Oh why can’t you see
This isn’t where I want to be


I though this was a really strong piece. It could really be something good here, my friend. Just try and keep the flow consistent and I think you're on to something. Is this the end, though? Seems a little incomplete I think. Well, nonetheless, good work. Really good work.
#3
I'm not sure what I'm going to add that live_for_music hasn't already said, but I'll have a go anyway.


Quote by Gord_90
The cold world of vanity

Verse 1

I woke up in a hostile place
Looked at my watch, the hands were gone
Just an eerie silver face
Staring menacingly back at me
The darkness felt so thick and strong
Like the static on TV I don't feel that "TV" fits the image of the song that I have in my head
I stumbled round with no clothes on
I found a strange old mirror
Realised where I’d come to be

It's a good opening stanza, but I agree with that the last line seems one line too many

Chorus

This old mirror is a portal
To the cold world of vanity Personally I'd replace "the" with "a", I think it gives a touch more depth and makes the reader think of parallels (hmm, I think I've lost myself with that comment).
Where image is everything
Oh why can’t you see
This isn’t where I want to be

Ditto live_for_music on the last line. Vanity/see/be seems like one "eee" too many (sic) Presumably there should be a question mark on the 4th or 5th line as well?

Verse 2

People fixed their hair and looked inside
I swear I saw inside their minds Ditto the reuse of inside, but I don't see the value of alliteration here - sorry
Suddenly they weren’t so pretty
As they were portrayed to be
I realised then what I had found
A new form of enlightenment This is excellent to here, working "enlightenment" in makes this line and the previous line the standout pair.

Well I guess it’s new to me…
The fear had left, replaced by joy I don't like this line, it seems too jagged in the general flow of the piece. See my final comment below though
I looked inside my tired mind
A mirror image stared back at me "mirror image" doesn't work for me here - perhaps a bit too cliched. How about going with "reflection" instead
I realised I was beautiful

It kinda peters out in these last 5 lines. I think you peaked too early with the enlightenment line You also broke from your 9 line construction of the first verse.

Is it as simple as removing the 2 lines: "Well I guess it’s new to me…/The fear had left, replaced by joy"



Chorus

This old mirror is a portal
To the cold world of vanity
Where image is everything
Oh why can’t you see
This isn’t where I want to be


Thanks for the crit on mine. You speak beyond your years - I wish I had been this creative when I was in my teens