#1
c4c, if your crits are constructive

i made several major edits to the first version, and added more verses

This is like my third song ever. I made some edits since when I first posted it. Any critisizims would be helpful. Thank you

Russian Doll

I've been counting the casings
Trying to see inside
Don't know what I'm facing
I'm loosing my mind
Your multiple layers
Create an enigma
Now I'm well aware of
Your Russian Doll stigma

Let me
Let me into your mind
Take off another shell
I'm following the signs
But it's to hard to tell
I don't know what's inside
But one thing that I know
This Russian Doll removal
Is going far to slow

Your size starts to diminish
And now you let me know
I slowly start to see you
Your presence starts to grow
I don't know if it's worth it
Don't know what I will find
Your many painted faces
Perplexing by design

Let me
Let me into your mind
Take off another shell
I'm following the signs
But it's to hard to tell
I don't know what's inside
But one thing that I know
This Russian Doll removal
Is going far to slow

All I wanted was to get close to you
I think you knew, but you were frightened by it so you withdrew
But now we're through with waiting
No debating
Come to me, let your true self shine through

I'm tired of playing now
Your hollow body is to flimsy for me
I know inside you're far more solid
Let your inner self be set free

Let me
Let me into your mind
Take off another shell
I'm following the signs
But it's to hard to tell
I don't know what's inside
But one thing that I know
This Russian Doll removal
Is going far to slow

But now I know, now I know
I'm so glad you let me in
It's so much better now, isn't it?
It feels so much better after all
Last edited by littlewhitekid at Feb 11, 2008,
#2
[About mine, it's sing songy because it is a song.]

It's okay, but I really don't like the third stanza. "Your size slowly decreasing" would make more sense if it was "Your size is slowly decreasing," but even then it doesn't fit in. The third and fourth lines of that stanza don't fit with each other either. And I also don't like the word "girth". It doesn't make the stanza flow as well as it could. But for some positives, you have a good opening and chorus. Just fix the third stanza. Also, if you're expecting a good crit, try to do a good one for someone else, too.
#3
Hey thanks for the crit, and about that line, it says, I will drink to your name, not I will drink your name haha. Like making a toast to someone, thats what it means.

Well, I like this alot, enigma is one of my favorite words. But I really really do not like the third stanza at all. If I were you I would take the whole thing out. It contradicts its self and it uses non flowing words. I think it would make the song better if it was gone.

Otherwise its very nice. I like your rhyming.
#4
I really like you're metaphor of a person being a "Russian Doll". Original. I'm glad that you put unfinished because I think you could expand on this idea some more. This is an excellent third song ever.

You have tried to write the verses in an A,B,A,B rhyming scheme. I think that an A,B,C,B scheme would help you open up your ideas a little more and make your points clearer. Especially if you are a beginner. I haven't been writing lyrics for all that long but I find that if I try to write like you have I end up catering to the rhyme with words that aren't necessarily relevant. A couple examples where I think you have done this are: "My salvation prayers" and "girth it". As far as I know girth is a noun and can't really be used like this.
Rhyming enigma with stigma works well if you can find a line in between that links the meaning of the two lines together.

The first two lines of the chorus are a little confusing to me. "Release me from your binds" sounds like you want to be free from this person for ever where as the meaning of the song is that you are trying to get closer to them to discover what they are really about.
"Shuck" isn't exactly the most poetic word in the English language.

"Decreasing" is maybe a bit too scientific or something for this song. I like "your presence starts to grow" even though the shells are coming off making them smaller. I think you're trying to say that for a person to grow they need to open themselves up to other people. If this is what inthegreyx was calling contradictory I disagree. "Perplexing by design" confuses me. Is it the Russian Doll you are talking about or your mind? If it's the latter, which is how it comes across, I don't see how it is true. It's the Russian Doll that's the "enigma".

I can't really picture this being a rock song. Just my opinion.

Again an excellent third attempt. There is potential here. I want to see you expand on the Russian Doll metaphor. Brainstorm ideas about their other attributes and see if you can incorporate them somewhere: they are toys (you're getting tires of playing with them?); they are painted in pretty colors (make up to hide the scars? maybe not for this song); each new layer is different to the last; usually the innermost doll is a baby (I'm thinking "inner child"); you could touch on the matryoshka principle. Wikipedia helps. Not everything you come up with will be relevant but you can use the ones that fit best. You have got to try and get the most out of your topic. Keep up the good work.
#5
wow thank you guys, your comments are really great. I'm thinking about completely removing the second verse because it really does seem to detract from the rest of the song. Stm, i agree with almost everything you said. Thank you for recommending the A,B,C,B rhyming scheme, that sounds like a really good idea. i was indeed planning to build on the metaphor with the "each new layer is different" idea. and i have no idea what the matryoshka principle is, but im looking it up right now. thank you all again, i will be posting the final version sometime later.
#6
i liked it. it seemed to me like it had a lot of deep, hidden meanings, but that could just be me. keep it up.
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