#1
Yay! An actual song of mine :] It was just going to be a poem but as I was typing it a rhythm came into mind. Heh. I was happy. Enjoy!

I Want To Be Without You Because I'm Scared Of The Dark

And this song is a blank canvas,
For me to paint my thoughts.
The pictures in my mind
Are no longer just ink blots.

Those little nonsense "pictures"
Swirl together in my head,
No longer just ink blots,
But a big black hole instead.

Swallowing all my feelings
And my pride for me, too,
Along with all those memories, Of
Being with you.

But as it turns out,
That black hole just swirling about,
That black hole just turning around,
That big black hole is you.

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,
All the while
You're sparing my heart.
I wish you'd let me go,
But all you've left me with,

Is my beating.
Throbbing.
Heart.

But you tore it out,
Trampled it on the ground,

You would have broke it,
But that wasn't allowed.

As I'm looking down,
I see your guilty face,

The tacit words on your lips,
Make me even more amazed.

If I were there,
I'd wrap myself in your arms.
I know you're getting to me
With all your charm.

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,
All the while
You're sparing my heart,
I wish you'd let me go,
I wish I'd let you go.

---

C4C :]
#3
Quote by acloudyforecast


I Want To Be Without You Because I'm Scared Of The Dark

And this song is a blank canvas,
For me to paint my thoughts.
These pictures in my mind
Are no longer just ink blots.

This stanza could use some work, take out AND in the first line. I personally think you should describe your thoughts (loving, blank, far fetched, etc). the last line i try "just blots of ink" for the sake of flow.

Those little nonsense "pictures"
Swirl together in my head,
No longer just ink blots,
But a big black hole instead.

I like this stanza I would just suggest "No longer just little blots of ink" because I dont really like blots as a last word. other than that its good.

Swallowing all my feelings
And my pride for me, too,
Along with all those memories, Of
Being with you.

Good, very good stanza I can't fault anything here

But as it turns out,
That black hole just swirling about,
That black hole just turning around,
That big black hole is you.

I dont think the first line is really necessary, unless its sung absolutely perfectly. other than that its good sounds like a good pre chorus.

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,
All the while
You're sparing my heart.
I wish you'd let me go,
But all you've left me with,

its good, kinda cliche rhyming apart and heart, but it works here and doesnt sound forced.

Is my beating.
Throbbing.
Heart.

its ok, nothing special but it could sound amazing with music. I can see it being sung with 2 people, one person one line and the other the next

But you tore it out,
Trampled it on the ground,

You would have broke it,
But that wasn't allowed.

yet again two people singing in the same fashion as i stated before. sounds kinda cliche but I'm cool with it, cuz it sounds fine.

As I'm looking down,
I see your guilty face,

The tacit words on your lips,
Make me even more amazed.

I really really line this part, although another word other than tacit may be better

If I were there,
I'd wrap myself in your arms.
I know you're getting to me
With all your charm.

Nice stanza, I like the sense of how you're upset about the whole thing then say how that charm is ruining those feelings.

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,
All the while
You're sparing my heart,
I wish you'd let me go,
I wish I'd let you go.

---


Good song, could some work with flow and other wording to solidify it. The title reminded me of a song I recently wrote but havent put up yet.


if you would crit mine, its in my sig "slipping away"
#4
in not trying to diss your song im just saying that the AABB rhyming pattern (which i use as well) tends to sound more sing songy. its not that its a bad thing. also i really liked your flow, and your rhymes wernt forced, which is good. You did a very good job, and i think the AABB pattern actually works well with this song
#5
Thanks for the crit :] I use "just ink blots" because it sounds better when sung. Plus it rhymes :p I know that blots isn't good to end a line, but i use it for the sake of rhyme. Ha. Oh, slant rhyme ... "No longer just little blots of ink" would be too long for the song. And it wouldn't rhyme. Thanks, though, that was really helpful :] I'll crit yours when I get the chance (probably Monday). n_n
#6
Quote by acloudyforecast

I Want To Be Without You Because I'm Scared Of The Dark

And this song is a blank canvas,
For me to paint my thoughts.
The pictures in my mind
Are no longer just ink blots.
I liked the feel of this stanza, I think it should start without the "and." Also, i didn't like the flow of the last line, i think without the "just" would sound better.

Those little nonsense "pictures"
Swirl together in my head,
No longer just ink blots,
But a big black hole instead.
I love the emotion in this stanza, for the last line, i feel that it could do without the "big" I know what you're trying to show with it but to me, a black hole comes across as big. Sung it would be okay but I feel that even then, it would interrupt the flow.

Swallowing all my feelings
And my pride for me, too,
Along with all those memories, Of
Being with you.
I love the way this stanza paints a clear picture in my mind, perfect.

But as it turns out,
That black hole just swirling about,
That black hole just turning around,
That big black hole is you.
I don't like how you've repeated "that" three times, it works for the first two but the last line, no. I feel that "the" would work better and again I dislike the use of "big" to describe the "black hole"

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,
All the while
You're sparing my heart.
I wish you'd let me go,
But all you've left me with,
Quite cliche, but it works well. Great emotion.

Is my beating.
Throbbing.
Heart.
I don't like how in the previous stanza you use the word "heart" and doesn't make sense when you use it again. I do like how you've concluded the previous stanza though.

But you tore it out,
Trampled it on the ground,

You would have broke it,
But that wasn't allowed.
I'm trying to understand the emotion behind it but i don't think it's clear enough, I'm not sure if that's what you intended but I'm feeling an undercurrent of emotion, I can't tell if it's anger or something along those lines. If it's not that, then it would feel like they're just words describing the action from, what it seems by these stanzas, (no previous stanzas) a third party observer. I just don't understand it.

As I'm looking down,
I see your guilty face,

The tacit words on your lips,
Make me even more amazed.
I like the first part alot, nothing there. I feel like the last line of the second part, is a bit forced, I think the "even" makes it come across that way, but I don't think it would make sense without it, it's quite a tricky one, I think it would be okay sung though.

If I were there,
I'd wrap myself in your arms.
I know you're getting to me
With all your charm.
Love this stanza, the "torn" emotion quite strong, great work.

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,
All the while
You're sparing my heart,
I wish you'd let me go,
I wish I'd let you go.
I like the link back to a previous stanza and the ending lines are really good, to me it seems like they fade into each other, they're haunting.



A very good piece, I do like the ending but I feel like it should share a link with the opening stanza. But the ending you've provided, as I said, is haunting. Great job
#8

And this song is a blank canvas,
For me to paint my thoughts.
The pictures in my mind
Are no longer just ink blots.

Strong start fot the song, sets it up nicely

Those little nonsense "pictures"
Swirl together in my head,
No longer just ink blots,
But a big black hole instead.

Not as strong as the first stanza, but still ok. I dont like the repeptition of "Ink Blots", and the words themselves are too 'sharp' and affect the rhythm slightly

Swallowing all my feelings
And my pride for me, too,
Along with all those memories, Of
Being with you.

Second line seems a bit forced, but i generally like this bit, you kept it simple

But as it turns out,
That black hole just swirling about,
That black hole just turning around,
That big black hole is you.

The last line works effectivley after the previous three which act as a kind of build up

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,
All the while
You're sparing my heart.
I wish you'd let me go,
But all you've left me with,

Plenty of emotion here, good rhythm too

Is my beating.
Throbbing.
Heart.

I dont like the word 'throbbing' here, just doesnt do it for me

But you tore it out,
Trampled it on the ground,

You would have broke it,
But that wasn't allowed.

As I'm looking down,
I see your guilty face,

The tacit words on your lips,
Make me even more amazed.

This section doesnt seem as strong as some of the previous parts

If I were there,
I'd wrap myself in your arms.
I know you're getting to me
With all your charm.

Last line ruins the flow a bit unless the word 'all' is said for longer

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,
All the while
You're sparing my heart,
I wish you'd let me go,
I wish I'd let you go.


Overall, not many problems, atleast not any particularly big ones anyway. My only gripe is that it starts off strong then it fades a bit afterwards. 8/10 good job. Thanks for the Crit btw
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#9
Sorry for the long wait on the crit, very busy week.

Not really much I can say on this that hasn't already been said.
Nice first stanza, the last line, as mentioned by others, does have flow issues when being read aloud though. Second stanza has good use of repetition. Never have liked the rhyming of "instead" and "head" really. Just me. In the third stanza the first 2 lines are either teatering on the edge of or are cliché, watch for that.
"Tearing me apart". Old cliché.
Overall, nice job. Just try and avoid those old staple clichés because they really stand out when the rest of the piece is fine 7/10
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#10
i think im gonna mess around with the phrasing here and convert it into a intro-verse-chorus-verse-solo-chorus-outro type song. This song has great potential if i can find a good chord progression. ill post back in a little bit.
#11
its ok, but kinda sounds like anything a creative frustrated teenager would write. angst-ridden and pretty standard imagery and immature in some ways. sorry, i really dont mean to put you down, i guess maybe i just in a bad mood. i just sounds like the kinda stuff i wrote when i was a kid. good luck and keep at it though

Hi I'm
Mr. JimBo R. Insane
#12
Thanks for the crit. I really enjoyed this, good ending, simple and to the point, good job man.
#13
Quote by acloudyforecast
Yay! An actual song of mine :] It was just going to be a poem but as I was typing it a rhythm came into mind. Heh. I was happy. Enjoy!

I Want To Be Without You Because I'm Scared Of The Dark

And this song is a blank canvas,
For me to paint my thoughts.
The pictures in my mind
Are no longer just ink blots.

Great. Don't change much, maybe just lose the "0and" in the start, a lot of poems start with and they drive me insane!!

Those little nonsense "pictures"
Swirl together in my head,
No longer just ink blots,
But a big black hole instead.

Find a synonym for ink blots, like "small dots". they will still get what you're trying to say. Nice though.

Swallowing all my feelings
And my pride for me, too,
Along with all those memories, Of
Being with you.

Change the line "be with you". Its way toooooo cliched. overused. maybe "what love could do" just change it, it doesn't matter to what.

But as it turns out,
That black hole just swirling about,
That black hole just turning around,
That big black hole is you.

Its good. like the repeating black hole thing.

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,
All the while
You're sparing my heart.
I wish you'd let me go,
But all you've left me with,

couple of cliched lines here. I dont really like this one, no offence. Those lines tend to be overused

Is my beating.
Throbbing.
Heart.

Not much to say except "have to hear how it sounds

But you tore it out,
Trampled it on the ground,

a little cliched, you know. stay away from the heart, EVERYONE likes to talk about the heart

You would have broke it,
But that wasn't allowed.

As I'm looking down,
I see your guilty face,

The tacit words on your lips,
Make me even more amazed.

these three stanzas are real good!! I like them. I like the adjective "tacet" you don't hear that every day.

If I were there,
I'd wrap myself in your arms.
I know you're getting to me
With all your charm.

ok, maybe cliched, but not bad. Doesn't need to be changed

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,
All the while
You're sparing my heart,
I wish you'd let me go,
I wish I'd let you go.

same as above
---

C4C :]
Please Crit Me



It was a good start. I'm the cliche police, so it bugs me when I hear lines that are overused too much. sry if I ragged on you for that. the structure was good. Nice one, man
#14
k, i've got some tab for it too... here are my adjustments tho
this song, is a blank canvas
For me to paint my thoughts.
These pictures in my mind
no longer just ink blots.

Those nonsense "pictures"
Swirl together in my head,
No longer ink blots,
But a big black hole instead.

Swallowing all my feelings
And my pride for me, too,
Along with all those memories,
.Memories of you

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,

All the while you,
You're sparing my heart.

I wish you'd let me go,
But all you've left me with,

Is my heart.
But you tore it out,
You trampled it on the ground
You tried to take it from me,
Go to hell
(solotime)
As I'm looking down,
I see your guilty face,

The tacit words on your lips,
Make me even more amazed.

If I were there,
I'd wrap myself in your arms.
I know you're getting to me
With all your charm.

You're breaking me down,
Tearing me apart,
All the while
You're sparing my heart,
I wish you'd let me go,
I wish I'd let you go.
Last edited by dkm at Feb 16, 2008,