#1
Right, so here's a piece I wrote this week, hoping to earn back any respect that I may have lost from anyone who read "Dashed Hopes, Devastation". Comments, crits, all appreciated. This one is actually a song and it sounds a little like, I don't know, maybe Radios In Heaven by Plain White T's. But only a little, not to worry. Wow, this is getting to be a really long intro, so here it is. Also, any creative song title suggestions are welcome.

Smoke and Mirrors

The strings of time are taut,
the tension keeps increasing.
The clock is counting down
and to you I’m losing

myself, I’m losing myself.
And you know it
because I wear
my emotions alongside my heart.

And so I’ve heard
“love is blind,” but no,
love is the silver smoke that blinds me.
Swirling madly,
just like I for you.

And I’m so mesmerized
by your captivating eyes.
I can’t look away,
no, I can’t see where I am heading.

My mind is starting to blur,
I know my vision’s already gone.
And as each moment passes by,
I know that it won’t be long until

I am swept away
by your masquerade
of compassion,
of devotion,
of any sign of emotion.

And so I’ve heard
“love is blind,” but no,
love is the silver smoke that blinds me.
Swirling madly,
just like I for you.

And I’m so mesmerized
by your captivating eyes.
I can’t look away,
no, I can’t see where I am heading.

As this cloudy veil disperses
I see I’ve gone too far.
As reality emerges
I see you for what you are:

nothing more than just an image
of who you wish you were.
You’ll never be anything more than
smoke and mirrors.
#2
Quote by live_for_music
Right, so here's a piece I wrote this week, hoping to earn back any respect that I may have lost from anyone who read "Dashed Hopes, Devastation". Comments, crits, all appreciated. This one is actually a song and it sounds a little like, I don't know, maybe Radios In Heaven by Plain White T's. But only a little, not to worry. Wow, this is getting to be a really long intro, so here it is. Also, any creative song title suggestions are welcome.

Smoke and Mirrors

The strings of time are taut,
the tension keeps increasing.
The clock is counting down
and to you I’m losing


decent opening


myself, I’m losing myself.
And you know it
because I wear
my emotions alongside my heart.

i really like the separation between the last line of the first verse, and the first of this one, very nice

And so I’ve heard
“love is blind,” but no,
love is the silver smoke that blinds me.

Swirling madly,
just like I for you.

nice job taking a common phrase and turning it on its head, so to speak


And I’m so mesmerized
by your captivating eyes.
I can’t look away,
no, I can’t see where I am heading.

ties in alright with the last verse, but seems a bit cliche


My mind is starting to blur,
I know my vision’s already gone.
And as each moment passes by,
I know that it won’t be long until

nothing to complain about here

I am swept away
by your masquerade
of compassion,
of devotion,
of any sign of emotion.

definitely nothing to complain about here

And so I’ve heard
“love is blind,” but no,
love is the silver smoke that blinds me.
Swirling madly,
just like I for you.

And I’m so mesmerized
by your captivating eyes.
I can’t look away,
no, I can’t see where I am heading.

As this cloudy veil disperses
I see I’ve gone too far.
As reality emerges
I see you for what you are:

digging too deep into his personality? i like that line


nothing more than just an image
of who you wish you were.
You’ll never be anything more than
smoke and mirrors.


nice job, maybe it could use a bit of cleaning up, but it could be good just as it is.

take a look at mine?


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=12648559#post12648559
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
Last edited by 12epi345 at Feb 3, 2008,
#3
And I’m so mesmerized
by your captivating eyes.


As this cloudy veil disperses
I see I’ve gone too far.
As reality emerges
I see you for what you are:


of compassion,
of devotion,
of any sign of emotion.


^ I really like those lines. The way they rhyme, and the way they flow.

but as for the rest of the piece, it feels a bit disjointed and I think it's because you don't really stick to any particular rhyme scheme. it's just my opinion, but I just..... a lot of it doesn't flow. I like the idea behind the song, but like the guy above me said, it probably needs a bit of cleaning and re-organizing.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#4
Quote by live_for_music
The strings of time are taut,
the tension keeps increasing.
The clock is counting down
and to you I’m losing

Nice start, can't really say anything else

myself, I’m losing myself.
And you know it
because I wear
my emotions alongside my heart.

I like the different use of "losing" in this stanza, i.e. different to the usage in the first stanza

And so I’ve heard
“love is blind,” but no,
love is the silver smoke that blinds me. Especially like this idea
Swirling madly,
just like I for you.

Another strong stanza

And I’m so mesmerized
by your captivating eyes.
I can’t look away,
no, I can’t see where I am heading.

ditto - I can't see it being too cliched as suggested elsewhere

My mind is starting to blur,
I know my vision’s already gone.
And as each moment passes by,
I know that it won’t be long until

I don't think "until" is needed here, personally I think it flows better without - it also brings it back to you rhyming scheme

I am swept away
by your masquerade
of compassion,
of devotion,
of any sign of emotion.

Seems good, although the rhyme sounds too close together for me - perhaps swap the "devotion" and "compassion" lines?

And so I’ve heard
“love is blind,” but no,
love is the silver smoke that blinds me.
Swirling madly,
just like I for you.

And I’m so mesmerized
by your captivating eyes.
I can’t look away,
no, I can’t see where I am heading.

As this cloudy veil disperses
I see I’ve gone too far.
As reality emerges
I see you for what you are:

Another good stanza, although the rhyming scheme doesn't appear to be consistent across the whole piece

nothing more than just an image I think "just" is one word too many
of who you wish you were.
You’ll never be anything more than
smoke and mirrors.

I don't like the ending - sorry. I'd restructure this stanza:

nothing more than an image;
smoke and mirrors,
of who you wish you were.
and you’ll never be anything more.



I don't think it needs restructuring as much as others have said - it seems like a logical progression. The rhyming scheme seems a bit hit and miss, but where you've followed it it seems to work well.

Thanks for the crit on mine - hopefully this will be equally as useful
#5
Quote by live_for_music


Smoke and Mirrors

The strings of time are taut,
the tension keeps increasing.
The clock is counting down
and to you I’m losing
myself, I’m losing myself.
And you know it
because I wear
my emotions alongside my heart.
^Having read the rest of the lyrics, it seems to me like you were trying to have a certain sense of narrative. Overall it works well, but I'm not sure if the clock/time metaphor you started it out with is fitting. Obviously this is personal so perhaps I got this way off, but the song seems to be about falling for someone who is very fleeting, never there, or someone who's never returned the affection. Everything else seems to fit - the smoke, light, blindness, etc. but time? I don't know, seemed a little out of place which is why, I think, the others here didn't like the beginning. In my opinion, just reinforce your metaphor with something, change some lines up there to make the clock/time thing fit.

And so I’ve heard
“love is blind,” but no,
love is the silver smoke that blinds me.
Swirling madly,
just like I for you.
^You're probably sick of hearing this, but that's some great imagery you got there, not to mention the whole turning the meaning around. Really liked this part.

And I’m so mesmerized
by your captivating eyes.
I can’t look away,
no, I can’t see where I am heading.
^Also really good, can't really add much here.
My mind is starting to blur,
I know my vision’s already gone.
And as each moment passes by,
I know that it won’t be long until

I am swept away
by your masquerade
of compassion,
of devotion,
of any sign of emotion.
^Alright, this is one of those things that I've always enjoyed in songs, so I'm probably a little biased, but whatever. The continuation of last sentence from the first stanza into the first sentence of the next is great. Takes some insight to pull something like that off well, and it looks like you got away with it. The last five lines are really good, although I'm not sure how you'd sing them.

And so I’ve heard
“love is blind,” but no,
love is the silver smoke that blinds me.
Swirling madly,
just like I for you.

And I’m so mesmerized
by your captivating eyes.
I can’t look away,
no, I can’t see where I am heading.
^Covered this already

As this cloudy veil disperses
I see I’ve gone too far.
As reality emerges
I see you for what you are:

nothing more than just an image
of who you wish you were.
You’ll never be anything more than
smoke and mirrors.
^Interesting way to end this, reminded me of Bright Eyes and that whole Fevers and Mirrors thing, but thats just cuz I listen to that band way too much. Anyway, it seems to me that you've thought of the whole smoke and mirrors idea and wrote the song around it, and it fit really well until the last four lines. The metaphor seems stretched, like you're trying too hard to finish the song off on a certain line that you've predetermined. Am I making any sense? Probably not. I agree with a few people before me, though, that the last stanza could use some work, it just doesn't seem to flow well. Of course I can't hear the music, so pardon me if I'm a blabbering idiot haha



Overall I really liked this. Could use some polishing and a few minute changes here and there, but very impressive! Let me know if you ever record this, I'd love to hear it.[/
Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown,
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time,
Watching her, these things she said,
The times she cried,
Too frail to wake this time.
Last edited by shamu1001 at Feb 7, 2008,
#6
Thanks a lot for all the crits everyone. Especially shamu1001, I get what you're saying. You got it right on. I was watching the musical Wicked and I heard the witch say something about 'smoke and mirrors' and I was thinking, "Oh, well I really like that phrase. I think I'll write something about that when I get home." All of the crits were really helpful and I'll try to edit this when I get some time or something. I'd record this and put it on my profile but I don't have a recorder with a USB thing. Thanks again!