#1
girl rises with the burning sun
boy waits for something that just wont come
child anxious to be born,
not realizing its name will just be scorned


girl sits in the morn on the bathroom floor
shes in pain, but he thinks his'll be more
walks back to her room on shaky legs
mother stares at her coffee dregs

ohh they just cant lose
ooh cause they got nothing else to choose

they sit together on the front steps
her in is arms, and him jumping the fence
he thinks about it when he sees his car
lifes much too close, and deaths too far

ohh he just cant lose
ohh cause its something she just wont choose

father walks out, they see loss in his eyes
wishing he could say it was a big surprise
she holds tighter to her lovers arm
he gets farther, and farther gone

ohh they just cant win
when theres no prize left but sin

he remembers when his worst problem of all
was who would drive him to the mall
while looking at pictures of the time they shared
the suitcase leaning on the wall is looking scared

child finds the exact right time
to become a burden is 5 of nine
boy sees his fear start to be unpacked
he takes the nearest exit to make his way back

boy arrives just in time
to see new life begin to unwind
girl cryin in the arms of a nurse
boy dies quietley in his remorse

ohh they just cant win
without something left worth remembering

thanks for reading
real crit for real crit
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#2
Really emotional song, I enjoyed reading this, Is this part of a concept you have created or something that has really happened in your life?
#3
thank you . I was inspired by "the river" partly, just my attempt at a springsteen/dylan writing style.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#4
I still thought it was a pretty good song, take a look at my latest song titled Welcome To Hell here on the forums, I think I did pretty good
#5

girl rises with the burning sun
boy waits for something that just wont come
child anxious to be born,
not realizing its name will just be scorned
The flow of the second and fourth lines isn't that smooth and the rhyme of 'born' and 'scorned' in the last two lines sounds a little forced.


girl sits in the morn on the bathroom floor
shes in pain, but he thinks his'll be more
walks back to her room on shaky legs
mother stares at her coffee dregs
The wording of the first line is strange, I have a feeling it's like that to rhyme with the second. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what this is about but I can't come up with anything. Why is she in pain? Is she pregnant or..? Also, flow is a little inconsistent in this stanza as well.

ohh they just cant lose
ooh cause they got nothing else to choose
The second line seems too long and the way it's worded makes it sound slightly incomplete. Sorry, I can't think of any suggestions.

they sit together on the front steps
her in is arms, and him jumping the fence
he thinks about it when he sees his car
lifes much too close, and deaths too far
Did you mean 'her ARM is in arms' or 'SHE is in his arms'? The wording and the tense is completely off in the second line. Change it to 'she's in his arms and he's jumping the fence'. Rewording it shouldn't change the flow. This stanza pretty much makes no sense to me. Why is he jumping the fence, what is he thinking about, and why does seeing his car make him think that 'lifes much too close and deaths too far'?

ohh he just cant lose
ohh cause its something she just wont choose
Not really sure what this is about still...

father walks out, they see loss in his eyes
wishing he could say it was a big surprise
she holds tighter to her lovers arm
he gets farther, and farther gone
Okay, now it's sounding like I was right about this being about the girl being pregnant. The flow of this stanza is smooth and the rhymes don't sound forced.

ohh they just cant win
when theres no prize left but sin
Flow isn't that smooth in these two lines.

he remembers when his worst problem of all
was who would drive him to the mall
while looking at pictures of the time they shared
the suitcase leaning on the wall is looking scared
Rhyme sounds extremely forced and the idea in the first two lines isn't that original. In the third line, I would change 'time' to 'times' and the last line is two syllables too long, I think.

child finds the exact right time
to become a burden is 5 of nine
boy sees his fear start to be unpacked
he takes the nearest exit to make his way back
Again, rhyme is forced, especially when you use the word 'unpacked'. The first time I read it, I thought you were saying that he started unpacking but then I realized, no, you put it there to rhyme. 'Unfold' seems like a better word than 'unpacked' to describe his fear. Flow isn't too smooth here, either.

boy arrives just in time
to see new life begin to unwind
girl cryin in the arms of a nurse
boy dies quietley in his remorse
Rhyme sounds slightly less forced but still sounds a little forced, if you know what I mean. 'Quietley' in the last line should be 'quietly'.

ohh they just cant win
without something left worth remembering
This is a pretty good ending, the flow is alright and the rhyming is alright.


This was really confusing for me. I think you should make the topic a little clearer, smooth out the flow (unless that's how it goes with the melody), think about the rhyme, and use caps. Was it supposed to be like that for a reason or are you just lazy? I know this crit is probably pretty harsh, but I'm just being honest. Thanks for the crit on my piece and I hope that this helps you.
#6
yep thanks for the help, thats without any revision, most rhymes are there to progress the story , i figure i can make them better after i get the story i want down.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
Last edited by 12epi345 at Feb 3, 2008,