#1
Song Whose Title is the Name of a Girl

I'll mark your words
I know they left their mark
The spotlight is never too bright
When you're afraid of the dark

How many big words
Can you shoehorn into one sentence?
Your best attempt to patronize me
And I pale out of significance

An object of such beauty should not be seen in the state you're in
Good to see you could muster up enough strength to cut me down again
A clearing of the throat before the final shunt
Who would have thought, a sharp tongue that could be so blunt

In all her sophisticated glory
The eponymous is mean and nasty
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words will just near kill me

An object of such beauty should not be seen in the state you're in
Good to see you could muster up enough strength to cut me down again
A clearing of the throat before the final shunt
Who would have thought, a sharp tongue that could be so blunt

So now I know
Time spent was not well bestowed
Wordy ostentatious remarks
It's time to get this showboating show on the road

One-way conversations
With a cunning linguist
Such beautiful use of the English language
Will not any time soon be missed

An object of such beauty should not be seen in the state you're in
Good to see you could muster up enough strength to cut me down again
Head slightly tilted to the left, closing in on the hunt
Who would have thought, a sharp tongue that could be so blunt

You wouldn't know she died inside
In mid-October of 95


The Three States of Mind

www.myspace.com/scottnoband89
#2
Oh my god this is good. Filled with metaphors, but still laid down clear enough so you understand it. I think. or.. actually i don't get the whole picture, but the puzzle pieces are coming.

This should be published into a song and put on a demo. This could really be a wondersong
#3
A well written pieces, good ideas, not wholly original but it is concise and solid.

I'll mark your words
I know they left their mark


The double mark is a bit meh, I was always taught that unless you plan on making a structure from it, do not repeat words without reason. Your trouble here is, kill the pun, or kill the rhyme. I'd choose the first.

How many big words
Can you shoehorn into one sentence?


Nice use of shoehorn, seriously. But the first line wasn't strong, 'big words' is a bit ironic, plus it is an ugly phrase, perhaps consider reworking that part...

A clearing of the throat before the final shunt

You're catering to the rhyme with that line and it hurts what is a pretty strong chorus. Shunt is an ugly word.

Time spent was not well bestowed
Wordy ostentatious remarks
It's time to get this showboating show on the road

One-way conversations
With a cunning linguist
Such beautiful use of the English language
Will not any time soon be missed


This read more like a list than a part of a song. It has little to no flow for me, perhaps it would work with music, but on paper you need to find a more poetic refined way of saying what you want to, sure the content is good, but if it reads bad the audience just doesn't care for the ideas.

Showboating show was a bit weird for me, just a personal thing me thinks.

Overall it is a good piece content wise, you need to work on your voice and the way the piece is conveyed to the reader.

If you get the time the short story 'One in a Million Dead' in my sig could do with another pov.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
Song Whose Title is the Name of a Girl

quick question is this the actual name of the song, or are you protecting the identity of the girl?

I'll mark your words
I know they left their mark
The spotlight is never too bright
When you're afraid of the dark

I don't know if you are trying to do the repitition of the word mark, but to me, it feels like that disrupts the flow. otherwise, this is a good start

How many big words
Can you shoehorn into one sentence?
Your best attempt to patronize me
And I pale out of significance

i read this verse a bunch of times. sometimes i could feel your flow, sometimes i couldnt. maybe its because im tired right now. i like the wording. of the second line

An object of such beauty should not be seen in the state you're in
Good to see you could muster up enough strength to cut me down again
A clearing of the throat before the final shunt
Who would have thought, a sharp tongue that could be so blunt

it feels to me that there are too many words in the second line. the last line is sooo amazing and just a great phrase. a sharp tongue that could be so blunt? i love it!

In all her sophisticated glory
The eponymous is mean and nasty
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words will just near kill me

i like how you took the sticks and stones nuresury rhyme thing and flipped it around. im not sure that this is completely origional, but you made it your own

An object of such beauty should not be seen in the state you're in
Good to see you could muster up enough strength to cut me down again
A clearing of the throat before the final shunt
Who would have thought, a sharp tongue that could be so blunt

So now I know
Time spent was not well bestowed
Wordy ostentatious remarks
It's time to get this showboating show on the road

i think the flow would be better if you changed the third line to "ostentatious remarks" and the last line to "lets get this showboat on the road" or something like that

One-way conversations
With a cunning linguist
Such beautiful use of the English language
Will not any time soon be missed

i dont like this verse as much as the others, i think it detracts from the piece. the rhyme seems forced

An object of such beauty should not be seen in the state you're in
Good to see you could muster up enough strength to cut me down again
Head slightly tilted to the left, closing in on the hunt
Who would have thought, a sharp tongue that could be so blunt

You wouldn't know she died inside
In mid-October of 95

this is very good i like it a lot. it just needs some minor edits in my opinion
#5
Thanks for your critiques. Your insight is appreciated. The Hurt Within, I read your short story and liked it. I don't understand it all fully but I'll try to crit it sometime, it will take me a while. I agree with a lot of what you said about my piece. "Shunt" is a bit ugly. It's better than the other word I might have used. I could go with "can't" or something I suppose.

The "sticks and stones" part may have been used in another song that I'm not familiar with. I so frustrating when something I think is original turns out to have already been used.

The song is called "Song Whose Title is the Name of a Girl". I'll hopefully have a demo up on my myspace soon. As for the double mark at the beginning, that's pretty much where this whole song started from. I thought it was pretty good when I first thought of it but I value your opinions.