The opening chords of the song didn't seem to fit with the overall mood. I enjoyed the [21-27] part, but the other parts felt really random. Like you just put in chords that sounded okay next to each other, but didn't really fit after all.

It could work out, though, if you apply Steven King's tip (okay, he's a writer, but the tip really goes for anything) for making songs: remove the bad parts. Those four words should inspire you, and hopefully help you =)

well, the first thing i have to say is that the droning 8th notes were driving me crazy. try adding a little bit more creativity with your rhythms.

the song also never really went anywhere. it kinda felt like the same thing over and over. was a bit repetitive too.