#1
sorry to those I didn't c4c.
i can't promise it no more.
comment for comment, though, if you wanna take that up.


there was that cocoon, soon
gone and lost, forgotten
smashed (or smushed, whatever)
into oblivion.
we surfaced from the sea
of pure cotton panties and socks,
boxers, shirts and sleeves
glistening in residue, yours and mine
and hers.
it was gooey, like a molten caramac,
too heavy in sugar for most
but bursting with flavour.
there wasn't another girl, that was just a spanner in the works,
a bug in the cola bottle;
if you want to complain, well, write.
it was just the two of us, in that shell
of what? ah, i'll tell.
cocoon was just a joke, a jest, jew
think i'd live like a flutterbye?
we were in bed (finally off the floor, my knees
sore and hers, well, biodegraded)
and our hands were taking turns.
her chest turned red, a colour of great taste
and she screamed as she came.
and later, heads together and arms
laced like... laces, she turns to me,
breathes and blows in my eyes,
sniggers and coughs a little, itches the back of her neck
with those well-bitten nails,
subconsciously shows the innocent pain in those
scars and
says softly like she's never spoke before
that i'm sweet.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Feb 4, 2008,
#2
This opened a bit strange for me..

there was that cocoon, soon
gone and lost, forgotten


I really wasn't keen tbh, "there was that" sounded very wrong to open a piece with, I don't really want to suggest a change, just show my dislike for it.


there wasn't another girl, that was just a spanner in the works,

Content wise I can see why that is there, but really why would you included it, a piece about you and a lover...I see no need for it unless it is on a personal level, something outside the piece we are not aware of, otherwise it serves little purpose to me.

cocoon was just a joke, a jest, jew

Jew? really? I could really like this piece were it not for the little narrator mumbles that invade it every so often.

we were in bed (finally off the floor, my knees
sore and hers, well, biodegraded)


Nice lines. Blowing your own trumpet eh?

s******s

Just, lol.

subconsciously shows the innocent pain in those
scars and


Wouldn't it be "showing"? - The line just doesn't read right to me. Perhaps begin it with 'and'. idk.

I've gotta say I was kinda digging this piece all along, a few things disturbed it for me, but as far as everything went it was an enjoyable read. I guess you kinda lost the quirky lines towards the end which could be something to look into, the insect theme vanished.

Still a nice little piece.


peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
hopefully you got jew/d'you/do you in that line. playing around with sounds. likes to be read.

i agree the end could be worded better, but i wanted to make it less surreal and get to the humanity of her actions in the last coupl eof lines. the whole ting is supposed to sort of echo a rollercoaster relationship, it goes here there and everywhere, twists and turns (spanner in the works) and then comes up to this simple, soft saying.

idk. thats where i wanted it to go. there's other stuff in there too.

thanks for your time as always, steve.