#1
there's about 40,000 dollars worth of damage in this place
piled in distorted intervals; the broken placed on that corner
the fractured in the other
the shocked roar from the audience brought tears to the lighting and a twitch to my script. of course the actors knew something was going on but they didn't know what it is.
"jigsaw puzzles for eyes that camouflaged in the dim, who could have done this to him?" this was the real murder scene, that drew no emotion to the audience
i was wasting my time, i threw away the scales. I didn't care if my epic brought noise to them; when it played something they liked they cheered if it didn't it was worst.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 3, 2008,
#2
Firstly I am gonna say I am not sure about the structure of this piece, I feel it wastes a lot of the content and distracted me from the words. This could be made to seem more accessible to the reader.

there's about 40,000 dollars worth of damage in this place
piled in distorted intervals; the broken placed on that corner
Wasn't clear on the 'placed on that corner - it didn't read that well to me, 'in' is the more obvious choice, on somehow implies that the corner is 2D, but since you use 'in' next it is contradicting things for me - I might be missing something though.
the fractured in the other
the shocked roar from the audience brought tears to the lighting and a twitch to my script.
Nice lines.
of course the actors knew something was going on but they didn't know what it is.
What it is...perhaps 'what it was'?
"jigsaw puzzles for eyes that camouflaged in the dim, who could have done this to him?"
Didn't like ending that clause on an adjective...'dim' what?
this was the real murder scene, that drew no emotion to the audience
i was wasting my time, i threw away the scales. I didn't care if my epic brought noise to them; when it played something they liked they cheered if it didn't it was worst.
end on 'worst'? I didn't really like that tbh. Perhaps say 'BUT if it didn't it....' would be better, I still want it to say 'worse' though. idk.

Overall this had good ideas, painted a nice Tableau but there's nothing else to it, the catchy lines are lost with nothing more substantial to be a part of. It seemed like a excerpt from a larger piece of writing, once with characters and background. As it is, I'm not that big of a fan, nice writing but...



peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
theres a lot here at work behind the scenes here than is creditited, it is centered around a beautiful lyrical line, I'm assuming its the musician in the story's pride, and he hates that it draws no reaction from the crowd, so hurt he throws away the scales, quitting music, maybe, or maybe a refernce to syd barrett, and the truth's that he uncovered. It just goes to show, when people think your insane, they tend to listen more