#1
please leave any comment on how this song sucks, or even you see it not as a song or a poem.... I'm just beginning song writing and maybe you can give feedback that can make it a little bit better

lot of people argue
but few of them do
they never try
for they fear they will die

bread taste nothing when full
water taste nothing when quenched
blood fills every space between man
pain seperates them from humanity

Is it so dumb to question?
Is it so wise to kill?
Are you always right when,
all of us are dead?

Children cry for freedom
Men kill for liberation
Women weep for redemption
Souls ponder upon the last brink of death

Am I one of them?
Am I willing to kill?
For something that I have felt
Do I even deserve to live?

it is for the terrorist who have done nothing but kill......(i don't even know wheres the chorus, verse, bridge, just let me know if it can even be fit in a tune)
#2
I think it's good, but like you, I've just started songwriting!

I think it's all fine, except the last 4 verses, I don't really see it... I don't know why though!!!

IF you want, you can check mine (C4C), it's in my sig!

Thanks, and keep writing!
#3
Quote by renaissancedude
please leave any comment on how this song sucks, or even you see it not as a song or a poem.... I'm just beginning song writing and maybe you can give feedback that can make it a little bit better

Me too, so please don't be put off by anything I say

lot of people argue I'd make it "a lot" or "lots"
but few of them do
they never try
for they fear they will die

the 3rd line here seems a bit short to flow nicely for me

bread taste nothing when full
water taste nothing when quenched I like what you're saying here, just not the way you've phrased it
blood fills every space between man
pain seperates them from humanity

Is pain the right word for your message? Isn't it their numbness that separates them from humanity?

Is it so dumb to question?
Is it so wise to kill?
Are you always right when,
all of us are dead?

Children cry for freedom
Men kill for liberation
Women weep for redemption
Souls ponder upon the last brink of death

I think this is the strongest stanza. Personally I'd put the Women line first - but I can't explain why.... I'd also drop "of death" and change "the" to "their" and allow the reader to decide if death is what you are alluding to

Am I one of them?
Am I willing to kill?
For something that I have felt
Do I even deserve to live?

Part of me wants to question why you end like this. It's like you have sympathy for their cause, or are you questioning if killing is something we are all potentially capable of doing?

it is for the terrorist who have done nothing but kill......(i don't even know wheres the chorus, verse, bridge, just let me know if it can even be fit in a tune)


I wouldn't worry about the chorus and verses etc. I've been slated on here for trying to arrange a poem in to a song. IMO you just need to capture what you're trying to say - it's a steep learning curve. No doubt someone will come along and go through any cliches you've got in there
#4
thanks dude.... but is this lyrics and the one you edited deserves to be a song? and if so, it takes so much imagination to make tunes... can you help me?
#5
Quote by renaissancedude
thanks dude.... but is this lyrics and the one you edited deserves to be a song? and if so, it takes so much imagination to make tunes... can you help me?


I hear what you're saying about the music side of things being difficult. I'm not such a great guitar player, but I know most of the basics and have started to read about the theory. I've put a few chord progressions behind some of my poems and it does start to sound better after a while.

Stick at it