#1
This song is going to change pace a lot.. but it's not progressive. Let's say it's artsy. And anyone who catches the Radiohead reference gets an e-cookie.

(starts with arpeggiated acoustic and maybe some guitar with delay in the background)
Your latest fabricated trauma
Falls upon my deaf ears
Our hostile thoughts resound
The disconnect is clear
My self-imposed deadlines come crashing to a close
A construct in my mind
They’re thoughts I’d never let you know

(it builds up to this point, and then there are 2 violins that play a harmonized line together)
Our love was a world apart
I would have walked as far

(a capella)
The filter is off


(still acoustic guitar, but rougher; keyboard joins in and drums pick up)
This place fails to register to my logic
The roads intertwine now I’ve lost it
My crown was there last time I checked
It’s a compulsory token; no sense to anyone but me
And yet I keep it
Near star quality

(piano with samples in the background.. possibly)
The android says ambition makes me pretty ugly
King of the world pushing me against the wall
(guitar builds up with tremolo picking)
Oblige, oblige, oblige
Back to earth, pretender
I can’t recall his name

(Solo!!)

(I'm thinking a meter change here, but I haven't decided yet)
Kiss me?
It’s lost in transit
Refresh, reload, reinvent
Improvise the romance
Connection is lost

(like the last one, but more ominous)
Our love was a world apart
I would have walked as far

(literally as much as emotion as possible here)
The picture says you’re beautiful
Let some thought shine through
Mind over matter
There’s no matter left
Don’t be silly, logic won’t work here
Heaven knows

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Solder fume huffer σƒ τλε τρπ βπστλεπλσσδ

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Electronic Audio Experiments
Last edited by stradivari310 at Feb 4, 2008,
#2
Quote by stradivari310
And anyone who catches the Radiohead reference gets an e-cookie.

The android says ambition makes me pretty ugly


Well, I'll claim my cookie, and crit this later when I have a bit more time


Quote by stradivari310

(starts with arpeggiated acoustic and maybe some guitar with delay in the background)
Your latest fabricated trauma
Falls upon my deaf ears
Our hostile thoughts resound
The disconnect is clear
My self-imposed deadlines come crashing to a close
A construct in my mind
They’re thoughts I’d never let you know

I like this opening stanza. It sets a very clear scene on which to build. Funnily enough I penned a line "The detachment is clear" last night, but I like the use of "disconnect" in this context.

(it builds up to this point, and then there are 2 violins that play a harmonized line together)
Our love was a world apart
I would have walked as far

This struck me as a contradiction at first, but on the second read through I saw what you mean

(a capella)
The filter is off
Sorry, but this line appears completely out of place/context.

(still acoustic guitar, but rougher; keyboard joins in and drums pick up)
This place fails to register to my logic
The roads intertwine now I’ve lost it I'm not sure what's been lost at this stage...
My crown was there last time I checked Unless it's the crown you lost
It’s a compulsory token; no sense to anyone but me
And yet I keep it
Near star quality

This runs nicely with the first stanza. Perhaps make the last two lines one

(piano with samples in the background.. possibly)
The android says ambition makes me pretty ugly
King of the world pushing me against the wall Sorry, missed the 2nd Radiohead reference too
(guitar builds up with tremolo picking)
Oblige, oblige, oblige Could you expand this to a similar thing to the "Refresh, reload, reinvent" line later? Off the top of my head (and a bit tentatively) "Honour, Oblige, Obey"
Back to earth, pretender
I can’t recall his name

(Solo!!)

(I'm thinking a meter change here, but I haven't decided yet) It does strike me as a good bridge
Kiss me?
It’s lost in transit
Refresh, reload, reinvent Nice use of re- words. Sorry can't remember the proper phrase for that
Improvise the romance
Connection is lost

(like the last one, but more ominous)
Our love was a world apart
I would have walked as far

(literally as much as emotion as possible here)
The picture says you’re beautiful
Let some thought shine through
Mind over matter
There’s no matter left Others may call it cliche, but I like the repeated us of "matter".
Don’t be silly, logic won’t work here Silly does't work that well for me here
Heaven knows


I can't see what the Radiohead reference/homage brings to the song. I assume your musical directions are heading towards something akin to Paranoid Android?
Last edited by osbourd2 at Feb 4, 2008,
#3
Quote by osbourd2

I can't see what the Radiohead reference/homage brings to the song. I assume your musical directions are heading towards something akin to Paranoid Android?

Basically it's from the perspective of whoever Thom is singing to in Paranoid Android.. whoever he says is "first against the wall." Since he makes little mention of singing to someone except in a small case, I figured I could take some creative liberties. I didn't think about this until now, but I could take the reference even further and say something about my head being chopped off. You did actually miss the third reference, "I can't recall his name."


Thanks a ton.. I'll get you a full crit done soon.

EDIT: Crit's done. I hope it helps.
And also I forgot to mention that stylistically I guess it will be similar to Paranoid Android, but a bit more in your face as far as the arrangement is concerned. I'm in one of those progressive-but-don't-like-being-called-that bands, mainly because we've finally started deviating from a more mainstream sound but at the same time still stick with our pop-punk roots, if only a very little bit.

╠═══════╬═══════╣

Solder fume huffer σƒ τλε τρπ βπστλεπλσσδ

╠═══════╬═══════╣

Electronic Audio Experiments
Last edited by stradivari310 at Feb 4, 2008,
#4
Bump (and an update)

Well I've finally put together the song itself. The keyboards aren't present as much as I had originally planned, but I'm still getting the atmosphere I'm looking for. Hopefully the band will be recording this soon... we're debuting an acoustic version live on Wednesday at school.

╠═══════╬═══════╣

Solder fume huffer σƒ τλε τρπ βπστλεπλσσδ

╠═══════╬═══════╣

Electronic Audio Experiments