#1
crit for crit, obviously. wrote this when i was in NYC for winter break. tell me what you think, as all feedback is greatly appreciated

Title: "New York In Lights" (Acoustic) by Eldar Chamoukhamedov
Date: 31/12/07
Capo: 3rd
Intro/Verse: C Am Em F
Chorus: F G C Em Am / F G C C
Bridge: C Em Am Am / F F G G

"The sun came up to find me wide awake,
I shut the blinds for both our sakes.
And though I know I sound naive,
Well, you are waking up alone,
And I can't get to sleep.

With patient eyes I search for subway signs,
To keep this distance off my mind.
But there's a troubling thought that dwells in me,
None of these trains can take me,
To where I need to be.

And I know that it's hopeless,
I just can't quite figure out
Why I keep seeing your face among the crowds.
And I'm sure that New York's full,
Of romantics just like me,
Seeing faces where they shouldn't be.

The stars lit up to find me outside,
Pacing the streets alone at night.
These New York lights that never dim,
Will have me stumble blindly into,
Your recurring dream.

And I know that it's hopeless,
I just can't quite figure out
Why I keep seeing your face among the crowds.
And I'm sure that New York's full,
Of romantics just like me,
Seeing faces where they shouldn't be.

Yeah you say that you need someone strong,
To help you carry this along.
But I am weak, I get swept up by every breeze,
That's how your storm came in and knocked me off my feet.
And I know,
That you don't want to be alone.

The sun came up to find me wide awake,
I shut the blinds for both our sakes.
And though I know I sound naive,
Well, you are waking up again,
And I can't get to sleep.

And I know that it's hopeless,
I just can't quite figure out,
Why I keep seeing your face among the crowds.
And I'm sure that New York's full,
Of romantics just like me,
Seeing faces where they shouldn't be."
Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown,
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time,
Watching her, these things she said,
The times she cried,
Too frail to wake this time.
#3

"The sun came up to find me wide awake,
I shut the blinds for both our sakes.
And though I know I sound naive,
Well, you are waking up alone,
And I can't get to sleep.
This is a really strong opening, to me. Nice, smooth flow. 'Both of our sakes' sounds kind of strange, though. I'm not quite sure what you could change it to, sorry. Since I'm just reading this and there's not really any music, it sounds like the last line is missing a syllable. Maybe add in 'seem' after seem. And also, change 'get' to 'fall'. I like the internal rhyme in the third line.

With patient eyes I search for subway signs,
To keep this distance off my mind.
But there's a troubling thought that dwells in me,
None of these trains can take me,
To where I need to be.
First two lines are good but the third line breaks the flow a little bit and, you can't rhyme 'me' with 'me'. The flow of the last three lines isn't very consistent and rhyming 'me' with 'be' is a little overused, I think. Maybe 'dwells in me' to 'dwells inside'? Other than that, sorry, no suggestions.

And I know that it's hopeless,
I just can't quite figure out
Why I keep seeing your face among the crowds.
And I'm sure that New York's full,
Of romantics just like me,
Seeing faces where they shouldn't be.
This is an alright stanza but I would change the last line. A little repetitive and like I said before, rhyming 'me' and 'be' is a little overused.

The stars lit up to find me outside,
Pacing the streets alone at night.
These New York lights that never dim,
Will have me stumble blindly into,
Your recurring dream.
The fourth line isn't worded well but otherwise, this is quite a nice set of lines.

And I know that it's hopeless,
I just can't quite figure out
Why I keep seeing your face among the crowds.
And I'm sure that New York's full,
Of romantics just like me,
Seeing faces where they shouldn't be.

Yeah you say that you need someone strong,
To help you carry this along.
But I am weak, I get swept up by every breeze,
That's how your storm came in and knocked me off my feet.
And I know,
That you don't want to be alone.
This is a little cliche and the flow is inconsistent. The idea behind the first few lines is good but it just doesn't flow well.

The sun came up to find me wide awake,
I shut the blinds for both our sakes.
And though I know I sound naive,
Well, you are waking up again,
And I can't get to sleep.

And I know that it's hopeless,
I just can't quite figure out,
Why I keep seeing your face among the crowds.
And I'm sure that New York's full,
Of romantics just like me,
Seeing faces where they shouldn't be."



I liked this song a lot. Flow was really strong in the beginning but tapered a bit as it went on. There were only a few things in here that I would change, but besides that, I thought this was a really good piece. Good job and I hope that this critique helps you. Crit "Smoke and Mirrors"? Link below.
#4
Thanks for the detailed crit, it did help quite a bit. Always good to have an outsider's perspective. I'm going to go crit ur work now.

2we have sound: hahaha not sure what that was all about, but thanks anyway
Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown,
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time,
Watching her, these things she said,
The times she cried,
Too frail to wake this time.
#6
this song is amazing. It flows very well and sounds beautiful!
i would be very honored if you would let my band play it sometime and of course we would mention that this is YOUR song
#7
Quote by RHCPman202
this song is amazing. It flows very well and sounds beautiful!
i would be very honored if you would let my band play it sometime and of course we would mention that this is YOUR song


Thanks man, and were you being serious? I guess that's fine by me, as long as you don't record/sell it or anything like that
Oh, I'll break them down, no mercy shown,
Heaven knows, it's got to be this time,
Watching her, these things she said,
The times she cried,
Too frail to wake this time.
#8
Quote by shamu1001
Thanks man, and were you being serious? I guess that's fine by me, as long as you don't record/sell it or anything like that

yup, im totally serious and no i wont sell it or anything that would just be wrong :P! ill just be like, "THIS SONG IS WRITTEN BY SOME GUY!" if you could record and post it up on ur account that'd be great so i could learn how it goes.