#1
Trying to get a little structure in my life...a little harder than I thought it would be, especially those last two lines.

***
That night, from the back door, escaping all trust
In tune with the fables your father pleads.
The chain-length fence I climbed chalked my hands in rust
Collapsed within where all my senses feed.
I could have sworn you would have seen me first
The freshly mown grass, soaked by the rain
Yearning a smile that could capsize or burst
Expectations you've had will soon seem plain.
The tail of Capricorn and horns of Taurus
Sleep on my arm as stars fly across
I stroke your hair while crickets sing the chorus:
"Can't learn to throw not knowing how to toss"
Soon I will leave you until another day
Through the back door, escape the exact way.
#2
I'll be honest: I don't like it.
I rarely enjoy sonnets, as they are most difficult to pull off.

So there's my take on the structure.

I did think some of the lines had a particular flow that could have been more appreciated if not for the limitations you set for yourself; they contained enjoyable and euphonious prosody.

"Can't learn to throw not knowing how to toss"
-- Didn't like anything at all about this line: it came across as a feeble attempt to grab a larger context.

I think you could have built a better image with the whole Capricorn and Taurus if not limited by structure. Here I just found it insubstantial.

The third line would have had reasonable alliteration, but something seems off about the syllable count and the way it reads; it's kind of a mouthful, and doesn't flow with its surroundings.

That's all I can muster at this point sir-- I'm sure you can understand why..
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
tough format here man...certainly something I would like to see done more around here. I realize how it really limits you ideas and really a lot of times consolidates them which I enjoyed cause it sure was a challenge.
#4
That night, from the back door, escaping all trust
In tune with the fables your father pleads.
The chain-length fence I climbed chalked my hands in rust
Collapsed within where all my senses feed.
I could have sworn you would have seen me first
The freshly mown grass, soaked by the rain
Yearning a smile that could capsize or burst
Expectations you've had will soon seem plain.
The tail of Capricorn and horns of Taurus
Sleep on my arm as stars fly across
I stroke your hair while crickets sing the chorus:
"Can't learn to throw not knowing how to toss"
Soon I will leave you until another day
Through the back door, escape the exact way.

I'm all for the experimentation, I really am. But perhaps this was too large a step from your usual stuff.

I felt like each line was a single entity, rarely did they read into each other to build up a single image, so reading it felt like it was a list rather than creating a piece. I mean after a few reads the full image of the piece began to shine through and I did like the idea.

The rhymes were nice, they worked and they seemed natural enough, so that is a plus.

In tune with the fables your father pleads.
The chain-length fence I climbed chalked my hands in rust
The freshly mown grass, soaked by the rain
Yearning a smile that could capsize or burst
The tail of Capricorn and horns of Taurus
Soon I will leave you until another day
Through the back door, escape the exact way.


Were the lines to me that felt natural and unaffected by the restrictions you put on yourself. I wouldn't want to put you off doing this again I think you have to work on the way the sentences are built so they don't sound guided around how they should end, i.e. in rhyme. It's just practice.


Still a very nice attempt.

Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Really appreciate the input steve. You hit on a key thing here which is practice. I was surprised at how much this tests your ability, and I really enjoyed that. I don't know if this was as much experimenting as it was just trying to expand my skills, but I know what you mean.

I'm really glad that you took a look at it and I would love to read one of your sonnets if you have one.