#1
we speak that second language:
drugs, dollars,
drugs,
and dollars.
don't we care?
we don't care.
smoke alarms are lullabies and
we're too weighty for wings.
fuck man,
i'm too heavy for heaven.

because life as i've learned is a ferris wheel.
and all those crew-cut straight-shooters,
those job-juggling go-getters,
they'll go full-circle before realizing it's just a ride.
#2
i love the ending. well, i love the rest too, but the ending... whew.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#3
I really like it. Dude you have honestly said something I have been trying to voice for a while but couldn't think of how to say it without being lost in translation. I really like it. And also could you maybe take a look at the thing I just wrote I'd appreciate it.
Due what you want as long as you vote Due!
#5
nice.


though personally i'd like a middle passage in there, to give the end more oomph.

it feels like a short round trip, whether i think it would reflect the ending more if you had a meaty middle in there, maybe something not ultra-related to the piece, in a way, to really show how it all comes back round again, to go the full circle.

good read.
#6
I agree with the above comment - it would be good to have a middle section to flesh it out a bit and give the ending a bit more gravitas. The ending is good and its directness conveys the message well.

Take it or leave it, but I've got "we live that illusive dream:" in my head as a hook in to a second stanza.

Unspoken Tides is what I'm looking for comments on
#7
On the contrary, i like the short length, you don't get lost.

I think the alliteration is trying way too hard, cringed a little when i got to the "too heavy for heaven" bit.

But it was still refreshing and interesting to read, the lack of any real sort of structure made it hit harder paired with it's length than i think it would if you fleshed it out.

The alliteration just irks me still. I guess the thing that really matters is that the point came across loud and clear, so for that, nice job.
#8
i probably did get carried away with the alliteration, it wasn't intentional though, so i can't see how it seems forced.

thanks everyone.
#12
Alliteration is great. I use it in practically everything I ever write. But perhaps it's an acquired taste.

I liked this, though, Geoffie.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.