#1
Let me tell you something about me,
I like…
“No, that’s too obvious try again”

Suicide takes more courage,
Than riding a horse onto a field.
“Nope, too emo.”

Honor is a figment of the imagination,
And I think mine is on vacation.
“Nah to corny.”

“Ahh fuck it, no one is going to like it anyways.”

Let me tell you something about me,
I’m interested in honor and suicide,
And the element that combines the two
I call it courage,
Some call it cowardice.
Cowardice pulls on courage like
Canoes vying for the boundary waters.

I dreamed I was in heaven,
Knowing it'll never happen,
So I enjoyed it while it lasted,
Spent all my time searching after jesus,
But all I found was joseph, mary and reason.

Courageous men die once,
Cowards live dead lives.
Pretenders play the queen of hearts
That policeman monitor during the darkness.
I reach for the light switch and
Hesitate for a second,
Then without blinking,
I reach for the safety.

“If only I had finished what I started. Then I might’ve written something better than this pile of shit”
#2
I'll gladly tell you why it sucks
Quote by bluesybilly
Let me tell you something about me,
I like…
“No, that’s too obvious try again”

keep this

Suicide takes more courage,
Than riding a horse onto a field.
“Nope, too emo.”
Like the war idea

Honor is a figment of the imagination,
And I think mine is on vacation.
“Nah to corny.”
I like how your thoughts are in quotes, you could get away with practcly anything before it

“Ahh fuck it, no one is going to like it anyways.”
so far so good, im a sucker for self deprecation, what can i say?

Let me tell you something about me,
I’m interested in honor and suicide,
And the element that combines the two
I call it courage,
Some call it cowardice.
Cowardice pulls on courage like
Canoes vying for the boundary waters.
don't really like the canoe metaphor, but that;s prob just my opinion

I dreamed I was in heaven,
Knowing it'll never happen,
So I enjoyed it while it lasted,
Spent all my time searching after jesus,
But all I found was joseph, mary and reason.
just when i thought it was going nowhere with the dreamer in heaven, you took it up a notch, cool verse.

Courageous men die once,
Cowards live dead lives.
Pretenders play the queen of hearts
That policeman monitor during the darkness.
I reach for the light switch and
Hesitate for a second,
Then without blinking,
I reach for the safety.
i don't completely understand this verse, maybe im slow? explain?

“If only I had finished what I started. Then I might’ve written something better than this pile of shit”

Great ending, again cool idea to use the qoutes.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#3
I really don't know what to make of this, parts bored me, like the cowardice/courages lines. Parts made me mutter "wtf" at the screen, i.e. the canoes and the policeman. Then there are parts that I enjoyed, like the opening little vox pops.

I don't know, it seems you had a great idea but fell slightly short trying to put it on paper. I wouldn't know how to help on that front either, it's really not my style of writing.

Sorry.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Note: the double post was for bumping only, otherwise I would have edited... don't mod me.. PWEASE...

Quote by bluesybilly
Let me tell you something about me,
I like…
“No, that’s too obvious try again”

I like this... except your first line. It's kinky... in a good way. It has a good tone and idea. However... spice up your first line. You never want the first line to be bland and for lack of better terms, bull****. Sure... you wanted blunt to give a "madman rambling" feel, but this is still a poem... and you still want it to be a good enough introduction to keep the attention... add some spice.


Suicide takes more courage,
Than riding a horse onto a field.
“Nope, too emo.”

Meh, don't really like this comparison... I think I like the idea, but it just doesn't click with me. Personal opinion, becuase I've always seen suicide as the easy way out... so this just doesn't click. I don't like this also, because it doesn't relate back to the "let me tell you something about me..." in the same direct way the others do. Sure, we can infer you are suicidal, but the other stanzas are much more direct which can make the reader wonder whether this is just you musing about suicide since it isn't directly about "you." I hope that makes sense.

Honor is a figment of the imagination,
And I think mine is on vacation.
“Nah to corny.”

I love the cheesy rhyme and the the fact you used corny. Nothing wrong here. as far as I can tell.

“Ahh fuck it, no one is going to like it anyways.”

I say drop the quotes... By this point, we get its you narrating... you don't need to quote this, we know its your thoughts and the quotes take away from the strikingness of the thought because the reader is wondeirng who you are saying it too, instead of soaking in the thought.

Let me tell you something about me,
I’m interested in honor and suicide,
And the element that combines the two
I call it courage,
Some call it cowardice.
Cowardice pulls on courage like
Canoes vying for the boundary waters.

Didn't like the repetition, makes it seemed like you were forcing it to connect. Other than that, this read a little too "novel" like for me... almost like a diary. The water comparison also seemed forced. I like it, but it simply doesn't fit. Find another way.

I dreamed I was in heaven,
Knowing it'll never happen,
So I enjoyed it while it lasted,
Spent all my time searching after jesus,
But all I found was joseph, mary and reason.

I wish there was more detail on "it." I assume you mean life... but its not clear, which leaves the reader once again wondering... and considering this is one of the stanzas with the most substance in the piece... I'd say you owe the reader a LITTLE clarity, just be sure to not write it straight out too. Love the last two lines, but I'd say Cap Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Courageous men die once,
Cowards live dead lives.
Pretenders play the queen of hearts
That policeman monitor during the darkness.
I reach for the light switch and
Hesitate for a second,
Then without blinking,
I reach for the safety.

I liked the first two. The middle two, 3 and 4... meh, they were too abstract for what you were going for... much like the canoe thing. Sure, they sound neat... but they also have to fit the poem or they are going to reach their potential. These don't. They don't relate to everything before... and are seemingly not too connected to the 4 after. This is also why I don't like the last 4... they just don't connect enough to warrant them being there. I'd drop from pretenders through the end of this one and tack your last line (below) on after dead lives, with the quotes to set it off... its a more striking ending that doesn't leave the reader wondering... what the hell just happened?

“If only I had finished what I started. Then I might’ve written something better than this pile of shit”



I liked it... but it needs a lot of work. Great ideas, just some of them got lost in the execution.

C4C on the engineer in sig if you get a chance.

-zC