#1
I decided to strap that capo on the neck,
placing it firmly in position, third fret.
As i began to place my finger tips on rusty strips,
shapes came plainly; digits sailed along dull tired wire.
As i began to form letters in my mind progression flowed
and weary metal sang. Those tiny vibrations alien in the
small hours of the night wrought feeling and thought
encompassed in strums and their tones.

I was malnourished. But now i began to feast
upon this serving of the arts. Upon a serving of my art
and however mediocre my art is on a grander scale,
to me, it has worth and it has purpose. It is when all is said
and when all is finally done, mine.

Yes, i'll visit timeless renowned galleries’
and listen to countless hours of the critics
favourites; pour days into the words set
printed on pages and give up nights to digest the
works of cinematography’s beacons of greatness.
Yet sometimes, C G C on my lowly guitar or
the 100 odd words i clumsily crafted to form some
concept of verse, mean more to me than anything else
ever will.

Well i guess i, i live
to create.



04/02/08 mw
#2
its nice to see the mold broken, instead of the constant "i cant breathe without you." well done.
Last edited by deathpidgeon at Feb 5, 2008,
#3
I've seen your writing before, and I liked it much more than this. Really, it's just because I love stories. This piece is relatable, it flows well, is well-written, I have no reason to dislike it, I just can't say I like it.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#4
Thanks for your comments guys.

Can anybody be entirely critical and show me where this is lacking and needs improvement?

There is always room for improvement.
#5
this has a good flow to it

i kinda imagine the melody from "its allrigth ma (im only bleeding)" when i read it
#6
Quote by bowl of oranges
Thanks for your comments guys.

Can anybody be entirely critical and show me where this is lacking and needs improvement?

There is always room for improvement.


the strength is in the flow and u could use more rhymes to make it flow better
#7
I decided to strap that capo on the neck,
placing it firmly in position, third fret.
The slant rhyme here is really strong. Good intro, it's blunt, and it works.
As i began to place my finger tips on rusty strips,
shapes came plainly; digits sailed along dull tired wire.
No complaints so far. Maybe just the 'as i began to' bit seems off to me... Idk. Very nice language so far.
As i began to form letters in my mind progression flowed
and weary metal sang. Those tiny vibrations alien in the
small hours of the night wrought feeling and thought
encompassed in strums and their tones.
Hm. I'm in two minds here. Nice language again, but it seems too wordy Imo. I don't like 'progession' in the first line. There should be a comma after 'vibrations' too.

I was malnourished. But now i began to feast
upon this serving of the arts. Upon a serving of my art
and however mediocre my art is on a grander scale,
to me, it has worth and it has purpose. It is when all is said
and when all is finally done, mine.
The repetition of 'I began' is weak. Repetition should only be used to add power and emphasis, I don't feel like this does. The style has changed here too. I'm not too keen on the bluntness of the first sentence - it worked the first time, not so much this time for me.

Yes, i'll visit timeless renowned galleries’
and listen to countless hours of the critics
favourites; pour days into the words set
printed on pages and give up nights to digest the
works of cinematography’s beacons of greatness.
This is back on track. Beautiful descriptions. So easy on the tongue.
Yet sometimes, C G C on my lowly guitar or
the 100 odd words i clumsily crafted to form some
concept of verse, mean more to me than anything else
ever will.
Lovely ending.

Well i guess i, i live
to create.

Lovely very ending.

I noticed there weren't too many crits here, thought I'd throw you one. I'll look at the rest of your pieces and see if I can offer anything on them. I like this a lot, you took an unoriginal idea - the whole talking about writing songs and playing guitar thing - and made it your own. Good job. Crit mine if you could? Last link in my sig... I can't even remember what piece it is now... I'll be putting a new one up tomorrow most likely, so if you wanna wait 'til then feel free. Assuming you plan on returning the crit. It's up to you.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.