#1
I'm feeling a little messed up so these are pretty random. I will edit this sometime, depends on my mood next week or something. I might turn this into a song one day, Kevin Devine's "Cotton Crush" is in my head and I think it will go well with that kind of sound. C4C, of course

Carts

I've been gliding all through life
With my body and my mind
Heading somewhere i can't recognise,
To places undefined.

Symbols to suicide to equations and resentment
Solitude to exclusion and wrong decisions made
The fight that brought you here is breaking all your bones
Your old values and your new worth is tearing, tearing up your soul

And I thought I've found the perfect waste of time
I can still smell the excitement of the bases underground
It still lingers in the lost hope when reality sinks in:
The crown isn't really mine to keep.

(How could you want something you know you dont deserve?)

There's always time to learn but not for me, no not this time.

(If there's a good side to everything, why cant I find even one?)

You're just a trolley they keep pushing, but they won't push you off the edge
Don't you know that I don't care?

Everybody's running cause it makes them better
They keep holding you behind
Said, "It will make you worse."
Well how much worse , I wonder?
You can't get much worse than me.


I am the most honest thing that you can find
because my whole life is a lie.

Edit: Grammar fixed! Please let me know if I missed anything.
Last edited by xxemo_kittyxx at Mar 17, 2008,
#2
Returning the favour..
Quote by xxemo_kittyxx

Carts

I've been gliding all through life
With my body and my mind
Heading somewhere i cant recognise,
To places undefined.

Symbols to suicide to equations and resentment
Solitude to exclusion and wrong decisions made
The fight that brought you here is breaking all your bones
Your old values and your new worth is tearing, tearing up your soul

Thankfully, something worth critiquing. Touch up on the grammar, third line first verse should be corrected to '..I can't recognise'.
That aside, there's a leap from the first to second verse in terms of word arrangement and depth of explanation. The first meanders around the same idea without broadening it, setting a vague, uncertain start to the song.

The second verse cuts forward with wordy statements, mildly metaphoric at first glance. It seems deep and part of a bigger picture, but judging from the first verse, it could just be a vague torrent of words. New idea introduced, however.
Quote by xxemo_kittyxx

And I thought I've found the perfect waste of time
I can still smell the excitement of the bases underground
It still lingers in the lost hope when reality sinks in:
The crown isnt really mine to keep.

(How could you want something you know you dont deserve?)

There's always time to learn but not for me, no not this time.

(If there's a good side to everything, why cant I find even one?)

A return to the first stanza. Less metaphors, more in-the-face description. Correct the line to 'The crown ISN'T really..'

It still lingers in the lost hope... is a poser. Not sure what object you're referring to, but the phrasing (almost) convinces me that you know what you're doing and I don't.

Correct your grammar, though.
Quote by xxemo_kittyxx


You're just a trolley they keep pushing, but they wont push you off the edge
Dont you know that I dont care?

Everybody's running cause it makes them better
They keep holding you behind
Said, "It will make you worse."
Well how much worse , I wonder?
You can't get much worse than me.


I am the most honest thing that you can find
because my whole life is a lie.

Finally. The best part so far. Fantastic phrase with the trolley part, then a snappy interplay where 'Everybody's running..' contrasts brilliantly with '..holding you behind'.

A bit of a leap to the ending, but it's a beautiful ending. Great job.
#3
Quote by xxemo_kittyxx
I'm feeling a little messed up so these are pretty random. I will edit this sometime, depends on my mood next week or something. I might turn this into a song one day, Kevin Devine's "Cotton Crush" is in my head and I think it will go well with that kind of sound. C4C, of course

Carts

I've been gliding all through life
With my body and my mind
Heading somewhere i cant recognise,
To places undefined.

I really liked this opening stanza, it's very death cab Good flow, interesting word choice (gliding) and the introduction of a clear theme make this a strong intro.

Symbols to suicide to equations and resentment
Solitude to exclusion and wrong decisions made
The fight that brought you here is breaking all your bones
Your old values and your new worth is tearing, tearing up your soul

The first two lines play off each other well. The whole stanza seems witty and nicely written, however i'm not sure if the last line fits with the flow... That could just be because I don't know which rhythm it's set to though.

And I thought I've found the perfect waste of time
I can still smell the excitement of the bases underground
It still lingers in the lost hope when reality sinks in:
The crown isnt really mine to keep.

I absolutely loved the first line, maybe because I can relate to it hehe... I like the way this stanza is written. I'm thinking the last line might hinder the flow a little, but as I said before, I have no idea which tune it's set to. Also i'm not exactly a master of flow myself, so don't take my word for it

(How could you want something you know you dont deserve?)

There's always time to learn but not for me, no not this time.

Nice paradox in this line.

(If there's a good side to everything, why cant I find even one?)

You're just a trolley they keep pushing, but they wont push you off the edge
Dont you know that I dont care?

I liked the metaphor, it's incorporated nicely without seeming too pretentious as well...

Everybody's running cause it makes them better
They keep holding you behind
Said, "It will make you worse."
Well how much worse , I wonder?
You can't get much worse than me.

The first line seems a little juvenile in the way it's worded. Apart from that it's a solid stanza. The repetition of "worse" helps to emphasise your point.

I am the most honest thing that you can find
because my whole life is a lie.

Brilliant ending, for some reason it stood out for me. I think I just like the use of paradox heh...


Reading over what i've just written, i'm thinking I might have chosen the wrong piece to crit, simply because I haven't added much criticism whatsoever.... sorry about that. I really liked this piece though which might have something to do with that... If you could crit "A farcical blind shot laced full of temptation" I would be most grateful. The link's in my sig. Thanks
Gord