#1
Holy God. The memories.

I got a bad case of food poisoning a while back--was driving merrily to work (a three-hour drive--long story), and opened a bottle of Odwalla juice ("unpasturized: drink this quickly before it rots! Quicker, that green part is moving!"), then forgot about it while it sat there in the drink holder and became pure fruity malevolence in the hot sun. I idiotically chugged it down as I arrived at work three hours later (while running with scissors).

Later that day while sitting at my desk I was overcome with cramps and gurgling that sounded as if I had a rabid badger in my pants. Quickly sprinting to the bathroom, I collapsed on the throne and ran the gamut o' **** beginning with injection-molded rock hard log to wildly-spraying 500 mph geyser of brownish water in about 30 seconds (and lost about 10 pounds).

Whew. I feel better. Wait. No I don't.

*stands up and spins around frantically, spraying a still feebly squirting ****-mist in an arc along the stall wall and door, and vomits uncontrollably into the ****pit of darkest hell*

This sort of entertainment occured for the next couple of hours between attempts to keep **** and puke off of everything in the immediate vicinity, as my temperature began to rise and I began to sweat like all hell.

Finally, things seemed to ease off slightly, and I began to contemplate making the long drive home. I grabbed a couple of rolls of TP and staggered to the car.

Set the stage: Driving up I-80 at about 11 at night. Along about Oakland or so . . . oh sweet chrome-plated Christ, here we go again. I swerved the car quickly to the side of the interstate, fumbled at the door handle, lurched out and began puking. Hard. Stomach contents (pretty much just liquid by now) coming out of mouth and nose. I have learned from this that you can indeed keep puking long after you should have nothing left in your body. I would not have been surprised to see Play-doh I ate as a child coming back out of my body. And then, the best part, here come the everloving frenzied ****s again. Still puking, I fumbled with my pants with one hand while gripping the side view mirror with the other, dropped them, and spewed with ass-tonishing force from both ends at once.

Everybody and their mother****ing dog apparently was driving along on I-80 that night and merrily proceeded to flash their lights, honk, cheer and generally offer encouragement, though, so it wasn't so bad.

I couldn't make out any individual bits of advice over the noise of my own bodily functions, but I'm sure they were comedy plutonium.

Left my befouled undies and pants by the side of the road and drove home bottomless the rest of the way, sitting on a pile of ****-smeared trash from the back seat, had one more feeble dying crapattack when I got home, and then slept for two days.

Yay for me.
#2
That's one of those moments that just seems like a bad day, but you to, you want to die. Right there. Painfully.
#3
0_o /clap
Sometimes the only friends you have are guitars n beer =D
#5
That's the funniest thing I've read all day. Laughing my arse of in the middle of work isn't good
#8
that sucks, my aunt had the same thing, she became very ill on her way home from work and puked and shat all over her car, but my uncle was the one who had to clean it all up. I felt bad for him
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You are so going to hell, but that is hilarious.


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Idiot
#10
that makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it
goddam odwalla juice.. that's what happens when hippies try to make drinks

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#12
i know i shouldn tbe laughing at some one else's missfortune but that is damn funny
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#13
damn man that sux, i can relate, if only slightly

i decided last night that i would say im sick todya and get out of going to school, well no problem not going to skool, but seeing as karmas a bitch, i no have the ****s

at least i can toke at home tho
#14
Wow....
And what is more, there's been a bloody purple nose and some bloody purple clothes that were messing up the lobby floor. It's just apartment house rules so all you 'partment fools remember : one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
#15
That is Funny, and horrible Humiliating at the same time. Great story! thats one good thing you got from it.
#19
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Great storywriting UberNoober! Seriously!


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