#1
In McDonalds, three days ago,
Whilst sitting at my table,
trying to achieve beatification
by going through the
odious process
of eating one of their
odious burgers
I came across a vaguely scribbled
light poem in between the packaging.

It talked about love,
lost loved ones
lost loved living ones
and lost keys, to lost
doors and misplaced windows.

It bored me. Poor bastard
is probably fired by now.

I hope.
#3
Quote by confusius
In McDonalds, three days ago,
Whilst sitting at my table,
trying to achieve beatification beatification sounds wrong here - and in McDonalds
by going through the
odious process
of eating one of their
odious burgers
I came across a vaguely scribbled
light poem in between the packaging.

It's probably way out of your genre, but this reminded me of Ken Livingstone's monologue in Ernold Same by Blur (on their Parklife The Great Escape album)

It talked about love,
lost loved ones
lost loved living ones This line doesn't work for me - sorry
and lost keys, to lost
doors and misplaced windows.

With the omission of the middle line I like this stanza a lot, especially "misplaced windows"

It bored me. Poor bastard
is probably fired by now.

I hope.


Overall, and with the exception of the middle bit, this reads like a monologue and not as a poem - it's just too rough around the edges (for want of a better phrase ) and seems to stumble from place to place with an abrupt end. But then I'm no fan of this kind of writing (not just yours )

Just my two pence/cents
Last edited by osbourd2 at Feb 5, 2008,
#4
Generally, I enjoyed it.

Beatification has too many ties to religious contentment (with the whole pope declaration thing) to be used in the context you used it, I think.

You then say that you are trying to achieve that beatification by eating an "odious" (detestable) burger which is an odious (detestable) process. Maybe you were going for some kind of intellectual contrast or something, but it just comes across as confused. For me, once again, your sesquipedalianistic approach ruins what could have been a cute opening stanza. If you want to go for the whole "I'm writing about something simple with big words" kind of appraoch, put more research into exactly what those words your using mean, and the imagery they bring up, because I got an image of someone trying to recieve religious enlightenment by eating a disgusting burger, which is too absurd to work.

"lost loved ones" didn't work and "lost living loved ones" was awful. I loved the misplaced window part.

The ending worked well, but was worded a little unpoetically (I'm aware that this was perhaps the purpose - breaking the style for comic effect) but it was just too plainly said.

You have these great ideas, and are, I'm convinced, a highly talented writer, but sometimes things just don't work for me.

Nothing that a quick revision couldn't sort out, though. That is, if you agree with me (which, of course, may not be the case). Opinions are opinions, and that is myn.
#5
On the beatification, lot's of people that go through the process, were martyrs and you have to firmly believe in something (the taste I suppose) to be able to bring yourself around to physically eating the burgers. I thought it was a nice comparison. Maybe too obscure.
#6
Ah, I see that now.

Of course, I would presume that the number of people that would have used that logic to explain your wording could be counted on one hand.

I think it's a fun piece. Certainly worth revising.
#8
Quote by confusius
In McDonalds, three days ago,
Whilst sitting at my table,
trying to achieve beatification
achieve beatification... trying to achieve... beatification. Doesn't exactly roll of the tongue for me. I think if it can be said effectively without "forcing" that in there. It may be a nice comparison but if it doesn't work rhythmically, I consider revising it and searching for a new wording or at least considering this in the future. In mcdonalds three days ago Whilst sitting at my table isn't the most graceful opener either to be honest. It just doesn't get my attention. It's more of an eh... ok? feeling (pardon the harshness).
by going through the
odious process
of eating one of their
odious burgers
Ok. I agree with alex about the "bigger" words being unnecessary given the rest of your diction. It seems like you are letting the words you want to use control the meaning you want to achieve.
I came across a vaguely scribbled
light poem in between the packaging.
Ok. This idea might just be ambiguous enough to work. It got my interest but I think it was too wordy here. light poem? between the packaging? There seemed to be too many awkward questions left hanging in space here. Think about what your trying to say then reassess this. Then reassess how your audience might take it assuming this is written to be read by average people and not by you.

It talked about love,
lost loved ones
lost loved living ones
and lost keys, to lost
doors and misplaced windows.
choppiness was ok until the last 2 lines for me. Bit of a tongue twister with lost loved living ones though. Idea was good in the first two but i got a little out of the connection with the writing there for reasons a bit hard to explain. Clicheness was not too great but not terrible since it was about the other poem. Lost keys, doors and misplaced windows was nice but why does it say "to lost doors"? You dont make the comparison here (like saying from lost keys to lost doors). It's wayyy to clumsy. You should try and reconstruct this I think.

It bored me. Poor bastard
is probably fired by now.
despise the line break. I don't like poor bastard standing alone like that. I've written the exact two words like that and didn't like it by itself. Given the colloquial nature of most of this, I'd consider making the is into a contraction with the noun that comes before it to help keep the flow.

I hope.

Loved the I hope thing. You hoping they got out of here and somewhere better by now is a pretty strong ending for just two words if you ask me


Potential still killed by a few little things for me. Your ideas could be pretty decent with some development but much too forced for my taste. You lose the personality you start to create with word dropping (whether intentional or not, that's what I got from it) and awkwardness.

Hopefully that made sense

I want to like some of your stuff but it just doesn't feel very cohesive like some of the better writers around here. That's what you should work on if you ask me.

Hope that helped some

peace
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Feb 6, 2008,
#9
This was pretty brilliant.

I love the repetition of "odious," for some reason. It adds a dramatic-yet-comedic essence which is great.

Kudos.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.