#1
C4C
This is a Ska based song that's a work in progress for my band (Twelve 19). Based on a couple of people that I know whom have messed up what they had through drugs, alcohol, and the like. I hope you all enjoy it.

Sure life wasn't all that great
but it could have gotten better
Then the Drikns came in
now that hell goes on forever

She didnt have it all
but what she had she threw away
nothing more
for her to do today

Now life has gone to pot
all she wants is to make it stop
but she's to far in
all she can do is sit back with that doped up grin

She didnt have it all
but what she had she threw away
nothing more
for her to do today

She doesn't remember yesterday
even she thinks she's to far gone to save
She has thrown in the towl
signaling defeat in this long drawn out game

She didn't have it all
but what she had she should have saved


-Ryan
#2
Quote by Jared R. Boyd
C4C

Sure life wasn't all that great
but it could have gotten better
Then the drinks came in
now that hell goes on forever

It's good, flows aside from the 3rd line which messes it up. too few syllables. IMO

She didnt have it all
but what she had she threw away
nothing more
for her to do today

first two lines are good aside from the second line may be slightly long. this stanza could use some work though. maybe add "there is" before 'nothing' on the 3rd line.

Now life has gone to pot
all she wants is to make it stop
but she's to far in
all she can do is sit back with that doped up grin

I like it quite a bit but the last line, doesnt seem to fit well unless of course when its being sung theres something thats not coming to my mind that will make it fit fine.

She didnt have it all
but what she had she threw away
nothing more
for her to do today

She doesn't remember yesterday
even she thinks she's to far gone to save
She has thrown in the towel
signaling defeat in this long drawn out game

Good stanza even though the last line throws off some of the flow its cool because for this point to be put across it has to more than the others.

She didn't have it all
but what she had she should have saved
love the ending



Each stanza starts out anywhere from pretty strong to very strong but the last line normally is the killer. A little bit of retooling and it can be a great song. Just work on those last lines. The first lines being strong makes people listen but the last lines make them remember.


if you want to crit one of mine its called "Shadows in a dark room" and the link is in my sig.
#3
Quote by Jared R. Boyd
7-8-5-8
Sure life wasn't all that great
but it could have gotten better
Then the Drikns came in
now that hell goes on forever

This has a good flow and a decent rhyme, but its subject seems unspecified. Later verses use "she" a lot, whereas this one doesn't

6-8-3-6
She didnt have it all
but what she had she threw away
nothing more
for her to do today

Seems a perfectly reasonable chorus, but personally I'd make the last two lines one


6-8-5-12
Now life has gone to pot
all she wants is to make it stop
but she's to far in
all she can do is sit back with that doped up grin

Although I can see where your headed with "pot" and "doped" I found the "pot" and "stop" rhyme was a bit too harsh and off the general rhyme scheme you've used. The numbers I've marked at the top of each section are the syllable counts for each line. I find this very useful when I'm writing as it helps me keep the beat and flow running while I'm writing. My problem with the last line is that it's a 12, whereas the same line in the first verse is only an 8, which to me suggests you're trying to say too much. The 6 and 7 on the first line is easy enough to fix - if you chose to have a fixed pattern in the verses that is.


6-8-3-6
She didnt have it all
but what she had she threw away
nothing more
for her to do today

Ditto the previous instance of this

9-10-6-11
She doesn't remember yesterday
even she thinks she's to far gone to save
She has thrown in the towl
signaling defeat in this long drawn out game

Back to the syllable count: this one seems all over the place(!) compared to the first two verses, so I can't decide if it's a 3rd verse or more of a bridge


6-8
She didn't have it all
but what she had she should have saved

A nice change of chorus for the end - personally I like it when the final chorus is changed as it stands out to the reader/listener. I don't know if this technique has a name, but I refer to it as "lyric inflection"


-Ryan


Your message is clear although it offers the reader no solace or empathy to the characters situation. I don't really mind the occassional cliche so I'm not going to pick them to pieces (I'll leave that for others on these forums ).

I would look at the flow of the second and third verses though as a ska song is going to have a fairly structured beat to it.

Thanks for the crit on mine - I hope this hasn't come across as too harsh.
#4
Thanks for the responses guys

I really appreciate the time y'all took out to look over this and crit.

If anyone could give me a clue as how to put up a GP5 file then I would love to put one up for this song. (if you think its worth me posting )
I think that way you would be able to see rhythm and how it works out some of the akwardly phrased things (granted some of them are still akward and need work)

THanks,
-Ryan
#5
Let me start by saying I really liked this. I liked the ending couplet, the way it was similar to previous lines in the piece but with that last little twist in wording. I don't have anything to complain about this, the rhythm was good, the rhyme wasn't obtrusive or forced to me. There are only a few minor things I think could improve this. The last line of the third stanza seems just a bit too long, too many syllables. What it says is good, but I think it would work better if it was condensed some. Also, longer would be great, mostly just because I want to see more Lastly, if you could somehow find a way to give the reader a stronger emotional attachment to the girl who's the subject of this piece, it would do wonders to make it even more powerful. All in all, great work. Keep it up, and thanks for the crit you gave me
#6
Nice. I like the hell goes on forever. It has a nice flow. Not too complicated. Sometimes less is more.