#1
OTS
I might work on the ending.


I tried to be a writer,
but I couldn't even finish a sentence.
They said I just scribbled on a page,
but I loved it, more than anything.
I still see the words,
like graffiti on a bathroom stall,
smeared, vulgar.
To me, ever-so-beautiful.

I once saw something in the sky,
like a single lightbulb
in an empty room.
Swaying, back and forth.
They said there was nothing there.
So I took a picture, and showed it
to everyone that I met.
They said it was blank,
and maybe, I knew that it really was,
but I kept it up.

I once met a girl,
she fit in the curve of my arm.
She never left my bed.
One day, she told me
"I see it too."
and then she was gone.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Feb 7, 2008,
#2
thats pretty cool. i can see the lightbulb, and i also like "she fit in the curve of my arm".
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#3
Awesome-O sig.


I tried to be a writer,
but I couldn't even finish a sentence.
They said I just scribbled on a page,
but I loved it, more than anything.
I still see the words,
like graffiti on a bathroom stall,
smeared, vulgar.
To me, ever-so-beautiful.

Ahhh I've missed your stuff, it was always refreshing and had a clean feeling for want of a better phrase. The flow here is great, the content great, I really liked this. The last line just captures it perfectly.

I once saw something in the sky,
like a single lightbulb
in an empty room.
Swaying, back and forth.
They said there was nothing there.
I took a picture, and showed it
to everyone that I met.
They said it was blank,
and maybe, I knew that it really was,
but I kept this up.

Just a couple of things that tainted this stanza for me. Firstly was - I'd add 'so' to the line 'I took a picture...' It just has a little bit extra flow to it. Secondly, the last line, I didn't like "this" in there. I dunno, I expected it to say 'it'. Both pretty trivial in hindsight. Another strong stanza, great imagery.

I once met a girl,
she fit in the curve of my arm.
She never left my bed.
One day, she told me
"I see it too."
and then she was gone.

This took me a couple of reads to really get my thoughts in line with what I thought you were saying, but when I did I really loved the thought it left me with. It makes me kinda sad, but hey that's a good thing as far as poetry goes. I remember why I missed your stuff, this is a prime example.

bootiful.

peACE

If you get time a little comment on the short story I have up would be great, not asking for a crit.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 5, 2008,