#1
Hey I'm starting to write a song for our band and I just finished it... The first verse is supposed to be sung slow. After the song picks up. Constructive critisism and Ideas for more of the song would be great.

Confession of the Left Out

The wind blows through the trees
Carrying leaves to the ground below
Snow landing on blades of green
Which quickly fade to yellow
And silence carries on the breeze
While concern floats in the air
Feelings of grief form a blanket
No other sensation can compare

Cold burns away heat
The air vaporizes stone
The structure of life
Simply thrown away
What was to be
Is no longer there
Life growing bleak
Caused by this decay

What have we caused but more regret
Killing or dying to win a bet
And what do you pray for at this time
The end of ends tolls like a chime

No! Damn this error in life
A last exploding cry for help
As every joyous minute
Turns into a violent scene

All we ever needed was one last chance
But denied that delicacy were we

What have we caused but more regret
Killing or dying to win a bet
And what do you pray for at this time
The end of ends tolls like a chime

Now smoldering under the flame I fed
Ashes build a tomb around all I loved
Only to know that this could have changed
With a single voice shouted strong

All we ever needed was one last chance (One last Chance)
All we ever needed (needed)
Was one (one)
Last (last)
Chance (But denied that delicacy were we)

What have we caused but more regret
And what do you pray for?
Last edited by N.O.T.H. at Nov 14, 2008,
#2
If this is a song its kinda strange that you only have two rhymes in here... trees and breeze; air and compare..

This seems more like a descriptive poem than a song... Its just hard for me to imagine somebody singing this with some power chords in the background...


something postitive:
The line
and silence carries on the breeze...

I love it... I believe it to be the best part of this whole "verse"
Promises meant a lot back then.
#3
the idea i was thinking of was this verse was played with a light acoustic strumming... then the power chords come in and the song hopefully picks up
#5
I hate to be as straight forward as I'm about to be, especially here, simply because it's more fun but seriously, people.

1) If you're going to comment on how there are only ___ rhymes in a verse, because it looks like there's only ____ rhymes in the verse, please go rhyme your verse and 2) If you're going to critique on how it sounds, do make the attempt to read it aloud - see how that rhymed when you spoke it, because you should have, but it doesn't look like it did?

This is poetry on the internet - two things that are too often taken for silence - poems are meant to be read and spoken aloud so that the world can HEAR them, and if the internet is simply something we see and only the tips of our fingers display our emotions, we're doomed - because this form of communication (which all things will be eventually based on) will not realize it's potential - and in this very eventual world, that makes the communicators and the communicatees (you and I) silent.

And that, as writers, we are not. Can not be. Will not be. So why are we, again?
#6
I like the internal rhyming that you use, 'trees' and 'breeze', and 'below' and 'snow'. 'Fades' in the fourth line should be 'fade', I think. Nothing really bad to say about this but the second to last line sounds like it's missing a syllable or two. I agree with ninja monkey, this seems a little more like a poem.
#8
directed to: spike_8bkp

ha... FYI, I'm wasn't even morally obligated to comment back on this...
so here you are... wasting time bitching at some kid... when you could of put that effort into giving this guy a crit.


BRW: if you were to add some more... tell me and I'll give you a full crit.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#9
It's not bitching, my friend. Don't be morally obliged to do anything. It wasn't even directed towards you, but if you wish to play "arrogant little American twit," please; it is within your custom to do so. Objectivity is a good thing - try to use it.

It's a good poem, one that should be read aloud - as should yours, Mr. Monkey.

But respect is rare these days.
#10
I'm finally done=D

Hope u guys like the rest of it
Last edited by N.O.T.H. at Feb 6, 2008,
#11
1st verse starts strong. 2nd verse makes a valiant attempt...but no cigar.

after that, it gets back to the sweet spot of the 1st verse and keeps up to the end. Nice Job!!

I like it 'cause it freaks me out. Don't know why. it just does. But its cool like that.

Write on, man.
#12
Ok, i read this about three times and i'm confused about what you're trying to say here.

Before i go into something else entirely i think it's very cleverly written, and for the most part the song has a very strong rhythm to it. But like i was saying i was a bit confused. i will elobrate:

The wind blows through the trees
Carrying leaves to the ground below
Snow landing on blades of green
Which quickly fade to yellow
And silence carries on the breeze
While concern floats in the air
Feelings of grief form a blanket
No other sensation can compare

Leaves are falling to the ground, and snows falling. Leaves are turning colours. people are concerned and grievous. That's the feeling i get from this verse. It's fall going into winter.
Based on that the second verse makes me think this is about something else but it could go with my inititial thought. However the third verse on seems to be about how we as people or a group of people have caused something undesirable in this world, and we need another chance to right what was wronged.
I suppose my point is that the first part and second are conflicting, and I'm wondering what the song is all about, because you don't really come out and say it. You kind of flirt with the idea you're trying to present.
Ok there's my 2 cents.
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#13
Quote by N.O.T.H.
Hey I'm starting to write a song for our band and I just finished it... The first verse is supposed to be sung slow. After the song picks up. Constructive critisism and Ideas for more of the song would be great.

Confession of the Left Out

The wind blows through the trees
Carrying leaves to the ground below
Snow landing on blades of green
Which quickly fade to yellow
And silence carries on the breeze
While concern floats in the air
Feelings of grief form a blanket
No other sensation can compare
nice rhyming, with below and yellow especially. Also i like the way you described the grass.

Cold burns away heat
The air vaporizes stone
The structure of life
Simply thrown away
What was to be
Is no longer there
Life growing bleak
Caused by this decay
the cold and heat thing was cool, and if the stone represents the structure of life i like it, if not i dont understand.

What have we caused but more regret
Killing or dying to win a bet
And what do you pray for at this time
The end of ends tolls like a chime
Very nice verse

No! Damn this error in life
A last exploding cry for help
As every joyous minute
Turns into a violent scene

All we ever needed was one last chance
But denied that delicacy were we
i dont like the wording of the second line, maybe you could move denied to the end.

What have we caused but more regret
Killing or dying to win a bet
And what do you pray for at this time
The end of ends tolls like a chime
again, nothing to change here

Now smoldering under the flame I fed
Ashes build a tomb around all I loved
Only to know that this could have changed
With a single voice shouted long and strong
the last line is my least favorite of this verse, but the rest is nice.

All we ever needed was one last chance (One last Chance)
All we ever needed (needed)
Was one (one)
Last (last)
Chance (But denied that delicacy were we)
i just cant get past that last parenthesized line, otherwise its alright.

What have we caused but more regret
And what do you pray for?
very good ending


i like your writing style also, unique and interesting. thanks for the crit, ive changed that first verse so many times, i just haven't found anything for it yet!
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#14
Quote by Burenen
Ok, i read this about three times and i'm confused about what you're trying to say here.

Before i go into something else entirely i think it's very cleverly written, and for the most part the song has a very strong rhythm to it. But like i was saying i was a bit confused. i will elobrate:

The wind blows through the trees
Carrying leaves to the ground below
Snow landing on blades of green
Which quickly fade to yellow
And silence carries on the breeze
While concern floats in the air
Feelings of grief form a blanket
No other sensation can compare

Leaves are falling to the ground, and snows falling. Leaves are turning colours. people are concerned and grievous. That's the feeling i get from this verse. It's fall going into winter.
Based on that the second verse makes me think this is about something else but it could go with my inititial thought. However the third verse on seems to be about how we as people or a group of people have caused something undesirable in this world, and we need another chance to right what was wronged.
I suppose my point is that the first part and second are conflicting, and I'm wondering what the song is all about, because you don't really come out and say it. You kind of flirt with the idea you're trying to present.
Ok there's my 2 cents.



I can kind of see what your talking about. The whole song is supposed to be a very vague description of the end of the world. The whole first verse is kinda like a sudden change in the life on earth lol. I have always wanted to write a song on this topic but coming straight out doesn't always sound the greatest.


All we ever needed was one last chance
But denied that delicacy were we
i dont like the wording of the second line, maybe you could move denied to the end.


I think im starting to agree with u.. thanks for that
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