#1
clair de lune
her fingers tread softly

the first three notes
then, a rest
a rush of breathlessness

the keys begin to shift again;
these are the moments before movements,
movements like a first hello
or a first touch,
moments like those found in a french romance
with hints of musk and age and perfect
love

she and i are the soul of clair de lune
she moves coolly
gently
like shades of moonlight
on a cafe table left out on the sidewalk,
i am the second voice;
we exchange phrases
my hand beginning
where hers ends

and i dream of our hands
wrapped together,
breaths in rubato--

but
she hasn't played piano in years
and i haven't finished learning
clair de lune
just yet
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Apr 22, 2009,
#2
woah... that was freaking awesome! i can't even put it into words, honestly, that was just amazing! it flows so well and i LOVE the story and the use of words is just spectacular.
#3
Sorry if I don't get that^ excited, but I did enjoy this, as I have everything else of what little you've posted lately. I wish you'd post more.

I don't have anything constructive to say. Just sharing my appreciation.

So yeah, nicely done.
#4
this is a winner. love the imagery and the use of musical terms. the imagery was really sensual. really great.

the only problem i had was how you broke up "and perfect love" at the end of that stanza. i don't know if i like it or not.

other than that stupid little thing, this was perfect. thanks.
#5
That was beautiful.

I agree with Arthur Curry regarding the "perfect love" line. I think "love" would work better on the line before it, unless there's a specific reason why you broke it up.

And I'm not sure about the word "coolly." It's not so much the way it sounds, per se, but rather the way it looks. It's just a funny looking word, to me. And that, in and of itself, takes away just a teeeeeeny bit of the pretty flow you've got going on.

But other than those minor things... I really, really enjoyed this piece. Kudos.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#7
i play the left hand as she plays the right
we exchange phrases
her hand finishes
as mine begins


That part kinda stuttered flow wise for me. Up until that point it was spot on, the content was great too, it progressed with effortlessness, saying just enough, leaving the rest to be formed in the readers mind.

and i dream of our hands
wrapped together,
with our kisses in harmony
and our breaths in rubato


This part kinda slows down image wise, and in fact I'd be as bold as to say it is slightly detrimental to the piece. Standard language is evident here, and the beautiful images from before are sounding slightly cliche. excluding the 'rubato' however.

Great ending too. I really liked this piece,very strong visually and verbally. I'm sorry this seems rushed, but it is only because I couldn't find anything bad to say. Nice stuff man.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
I think the imagry you used in this song is incredibly fitting of a love song. The first time I read the first lines, I thought of a blind black man I once saw doing spoken word poetry at a coffee shop. After attempting to remove that thought from my head, I really like this song. The only part that I think could be improved would be the second to last stanza. It seems like some of the imagry begins to go away at that point in the song. If you wrote the first parts of the song, then it should be easy to change those lnes to something with more meaning.

check out all they videos on youtube
they dead serious about thuggin like that
if you ask me they are fruity
an i hope one morning they drown in there fruit loops
#10
her and i are the soul of clair de lune
That's just lousy grammar. she and i ...

That's about all I have to say. ... and that I enjoyed this.
Meadows
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I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#12
I enjoyed this piece.... I just didn't like the first pieces of it. It seemed like a simple movement that was way slowed down, over-dramatized. I feel like you could speed things up and still keep the same feeling, and then go into the there are "moments before movements"

But once you get into the second half it really begins to pick up, and there's a lot more interesting ideas and things going on. There's a few unintentionally awkward lines (but that might just be me)

her hand finishes
as mine begins


anyway...probably just me. And I think you could have a WAY stronger ending, imo.

Thanks for the read.
what comes up comes out
#17
Wow man, this is your best piece so far

amazing flow, and great phrasing.
you used grammar and punctuation correctly which is always a plus =p
your comma before the word rest make you do exactly that, and make you read the line correctly which adds nicely to the piece, and its impact.

im not to fond of the ending, however.

it seems rather abrupt.
#18
I haven't read anything by you in a while. I don't remember what the last thing I read was, but I know I thought it was convoluted. this is pretty clear. I'm glad you got there; poetry should be clear.

you've set this up nicely. just as I'm thinking, okay this is some pretty corny romance stuff you get to the last bit. it's a good snap.

thanks for that.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in